Tuesday, July 28, 2009

City's elderly rejoice as daring new business venture hits Quincy Center strip

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Elderly residents from every walker of life rejoiced this morning as Forever 71, a new clothing store in Quincy Center, catered to those in the dusk of their golden years, was opened by Quincy native, Julie Cunty.

"I really love old people," said Cunty, or "Julie Unruly," as she has become known to her friends, most likely due to her most tragic and commonly ridiculed last name. "I just wanted to do something nice for them for once. Everywhere they go, they're always getting pushed to the side, stepped on, and just left to die. It's so horrible. Some of these elderly people would do anything to feel young again. And to them, seventy-one is young."

Forever 71 opened at 5:30AM this morning and celebrated their grand opening with an early bird breakfast, courtesy of the Granite Street Cafe, who was most recently in the news for donating over a hundred dollars to the "Keep Magic Johnson Healthier than People Who Don't Have AIDS" fund.

Offering a great deal of variety to what appears to be a somewhat dying demographic, Forever 71 presents the finest in elderly fashions, ranging from revealing incontinence wear, sensually scented moth balls, bedazzled check book holders, and orthopedic Adidas shell toes. In addition to these fine products, what seemed to impress customers most was "Antiquated Ensemble," a limited edition clothing line, which features a colorful assortment of pre-faded, and often ironic, jerseys with an array of business and product logos, such as Hearth n' Kettle, Tums, Depend®, Mercury Grand Marquis, and Polident Dentu-Creme Denture Toothpaste.

"I'm so glad to have a store where I can finally buy my wife something that makes her feel young," remarked Fred Parsons, a retired car salesman from Hough's Neck. "Back in my day, this area used to be a thriving business community. We had Sears, Milton's, Remick's, and whole slew of other fine, respectable establishments. And then Braintree took them all away from us by opening up that fancy new mall up the way. Seeing my wife look sexy again gets me excited."

Mr. Parsons then collapsed and was immediately attended to by Forever 71's on-site doctors, who later explained that his heart simply exploded.

Artist's depiction of Mr. Parsons as he was carried away and brought somewhere else.

"He was just too old," said Dr. Juan "Bleeding Gums" Fernando, a controversial OB/GYN with a knack for picking up a little extra coin when it's available. "His heart looked like a grenade had gone off inside it. I've seen some disgusting things in my life---believe me---but that one takes the cake."

Forever 71 will be open seven days a week at the convenient hours of 5:30AM to 2:00PM, and will be closed only during holidays observed by Irish Catholics.

"I'm really happy about this place," said Audrey Baloney, a saucy little biscuit who recently acquired a decent hunk of land in the Merrymount section of Quincy. "It's just a really neat place, I love it. They have the greatest things here for this old lady I used to work with. She's seventy-nine now, but she was quite the pistol a few years back. I bought her these skimpy, little shorts that release a shot of floral aroma every three minutes, just in case she craps. She's a good shit, but sometimes she's also taking a good shit, if you know what I mean. And you think Blanche Devereaux was a whore, you should have seen this lady ten years ago. She was very social, I'll say that much. She definitely liked meeting new people, if you catch my drift. Seriously though, it's just good to see somebody trying something different in Quincy Center these days. I really like the idea, and I hope it all works out. And the fact that they observe all Irish Catholic holidays is gonna be something that really impresses these old-timers. Quincy is an extremely Irish Catholic city, and probably more highly regarded by Ireland than, let's say, Northern Ireland. I'm one hundred percent Irish. My last name might be Baloney here, but it was pronounced [unable to convert] back in Ireland. I wish this place the best of luck. 'Adh mór ort,' as the Irish say."

Seven more customers dropped throughout the day, however, aside from five of them leading to immediate deaths, no one else was seriously injured.

Forever 71 will be open again tomorrow morning at it's normal time and has promised to have so much oxygen pumping through that place, you'll think you were in fucking Foxwoods. As usual, Julie Unruly will be offering her delicious medley of elderly treats, clothing, and accessories, all of them offered at a fair and reasonable price that even the elderly couldn't complain about.


MOBmfA said...

Oh Julie Unruly, patron saint of the way-too-olds. Someday, I hope someone half as awesome will take me through my confused golden years dressed to the nines. As soon as Brophy claims mayordom of this spectacular city his first order of business better be to declare everyday unruly day. 50 cent Natty Ices and awesomeness for everyone.

sweden said...

I know I said I wouldnt' comment but I can't help myself--That's one place I'm staying away from. I do think it's a good idea to keep the elders in one place as much as possible, but can you imagine the parking problems...

Baloney No. 8 said...

I'm thrilled to see you are back on the scene Sweden!

Kudos to Julie Unruly for marketing to an all-too-often forgotten demographic! I hope Forever 71 blossoms into a thriving business.

And I must also give the Scallion journalist a thousand thumbs up for this excellent example of fine reporting.

The Quincy Sun ain't got shit on the Scallion!!!

Thrilled to be literate,
Baloney No.8

Anonymous said...

I dont even consider my 71 yr old patients old...they know how to change their own depends w/o my help!

Moisture02171 said...

I'm gonna tell my nana about it. Any kitty t's available in xxxxxL? her birthday is coming up. :)