Sunday, July 5, 2009

Squantum celebrates 100th annual 4th of July parade by hosting two days of non-stop madness

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Absolute madness broke out this weekend in the Squantum section of Quincy as residents of the area were given two days to celebrate the 4th of July holiday in which everyday rules did not apply.

As far as the eye could see, Squantum habitants could be seen trading in their boring weekday facades for a much more enjoyable demeanor of comicalness, resulting in multiple acts of binge drinking, intense partying, public dry humping, and good old fashioned joshing around.

Friday night's activities included a large bonfire, in which partygoers were given the opportunity to drink in public, urinating wherever they saw fit, all while police officers and firemen gathered around to watch the party unfold.

"Those cops were extremely forgiving," commented Partiana Tarter, a debaucherous motherfucker from the Tedeschi's section of Squantum. "There's something about slugging whiskey right in front of cops that makes it so much better. Everywhere you looked, people were just flooding the streets and screaming. It was like a scene out of 28 Days Later, it was awesome. Then I had everyone at my house and it just got even more disgusting from there. I almost had a Maggot's Nest on my hands. I had to start swinging a fucking pickaxe just to get everyone to leave. Even as of this morning, there were still people slithering out from under the couch cushions, it was insane. I don't even fucking recognize half of these people."

Saturday's activities included the 100th annual 4th of July parade, which included many top-notch acts, such as a military-esque drill team that used lawn chairs instead of rifles, grown men wearing nothing but diapers, and live music performed by Jacia Hearn, "Gorgeous" George Camaro, and Tom Elong.

The "Man Baby" staring directly into the camera, creeping me the fuck out.

"When I saw all those grown men dressed up like little babies, that's when I knew the shit had hit the fan," remarked Tailora Hearn, a known drifter whose Squantum roots go deeper than that black guy your wife says she's just friends with. "One of the dudes was nailin' butts the entire time, too. And I'm pretty sure that another dude was drinking a Miller High Life with a fucking coozy. There's something about watching grown men in diapers and bonnets while they're slaying beers and chain smoking butts that just weirds you out. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's just not normal behavior. It's downright insane. That didn't stop me from cracking up though. I never said I was opposed to that type of shit, I just know when something isn't right, and this was one of those times. I hope that I can be on a float like that someday, I really, really do. I think I'd be right at home on that float."

Parade goers were then in for quite a surprise as candy was passed out from the floats, resulting in quite a few mishaps when "Gorgeous" George Camaro went into the wrong pocket and began tossing psychedelic mushrooms into the crowd.

Men and women throughout Bellevue Road were then forced to experience an overwhelming blend of unstoppable laughter and mind-bending anxiety, causing authorities to begin re-reading the "no rules" contract they had drawn up just days before, frantically searching for a possible escape clause.

An escape clause was soon discovered as Jacia Hearn's signature was found to be missing from the contract, as he simply wrote "Squantum Rules!" with what appeared to be a "Blizzard Blue" Crayola crayon.

"Fuck the police!" screamed Camaro, as he was escorted away from the parade into the Quincy Police Department's brand new armored Cadillac Escalade. Camaro was then taken into police custody where he was almost immediately allowed to return to the parade on the grounds of being "too shitfaced to detain." Camaro will plead "seriously ridiculous" to a fistful of crimes, some of which include possession of a hilarious substance, public drunkeness, and aiding and abetting to the hilarity of an already out-of-control crowd.

The Lawn Chair Drill Team, doing their thing on the corner of Bellevue and Middlesex.

The show was not over there, however, as a group of Squantum residents known as the "Lawn Chair Drill Team" arrived on the scene and performed their artistically interpretive act to the awe of spectators.

"Those people were intense," remarked Andrea Whitman, a Southie resident whose grandmother has lived in Squantum for the past fifty years. It was just like a military marching unit, but they used lawn chairs instead of their weapons. I thought it was pretty crafty, although I'm sure the fact that I was already twelve beers deep helped out, too. What a fucking weekend."

The level of overall craziness then ballooned astronomically, as the parade ended and people began filling the streets in search of what was next. No matter where one stood, the ever-building doom of anarchy could be sensed as if it were a tangible force. And all throughout the sky, the sight of escaping birds could be seen, eclipsing the sun, causing a general sense of absurdity to fill the air.

Martial law was then declared as the one exit from Squantum was barricaded using boxes of Great One cups from the Dunkin' Donuts on Quincy Shore Drive. This martial law did not last long, though, as all military personnel quickly abandoned their posts and began pounding Natural Ice in a can, some of them wearing Squantum Grease Pot shirts, which were made available during the parade.

"We've exhausted all options," addressed Mayor Koch in his emergency cable access broadcast. "We're gonna have to line the Causeway with dynamite and blow that thing right the fuck outta there. That's about the only way to make sure these people don't make it back into the city. I really wish there was another option, but there doesn't appear to be. We're just gonna have to blow that thing and watch Squantum float away. Let it be Boston's problem, y'know?"

At this point, there is no scheduled time as to when Mayor Koch plans on exploding the Causeway, although theorists have concluded that it will presumably take place in the daytime, when residents of the area are more likely to be sleeping.


Anonymous said...

LOOK.......I am just glad that nothing happened to you Mr Wilder because your Quincy Scallion articles are the high light of my poor pathetic life. Stay safe sir and keep writing

lizabeth said...

Good Work Beak.

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Darth Vader said...


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Anonymous said...

Dude I went to that that bitch Partijana's party. Sucked, she tried kicked me out after about .2 seconds of my arrival. She was fucking wrecked. When I told her I lived there so she techinically couldnt kick me out, she didnt know what the fuck to do. Butterbump Biscuit Bitch what sort of tongue twister are you trying to pull here? Cause i like it.

3F1L4ZDN0M41D said...

I was on the wrong penninsula..I was wondering around GermanTown looking for everyone. Sometimes I get them two mixed up

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