Tuesday, July 14, 2009

City gamblers rejoice as game of chance is introduced to already risky convenience store


Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a bold and daring business move, the Quincy Center Station convenience store has finally agreed to dabble in the world of Keno, the lovable, but sometimes devastatingly bank-breaking, Mass Lottery game, in which there is no possible way of losing, unless, of course, you do not choose the correct numbers.

Red line commuters will now be able to risk it all with a thrilling game of Keno before and after their boring, urine-scented train rides, leaving some locals so excited that they can barely contain it.

“I’m gonna win hundreds playing this game,” claimed Freddy Dunka, a Merrymount legend known for constantly making people smell his fingers after Germantown parties. “Maybe even thousands. I'm gonna take one of those little pencils and bet on every fucking number there is. Easy as cake!”

Risk takers from all walks of life, more often than not, the lowest of the low, can now try their luck at the store in the hopes of achieving the American dream: to win insane amounts of unearned money in a split second. But the lure of easy money may prove to be too much for some, as evidenced by the blood-curdling screams of Tito “The Fake Indian” McGarnigle, a legendary Quincy Center Station character who lost his entire life savings of forty-three dollars in the blink of an eye.

The store, located directly across from the ill-reputed, now defunct, Donut & Donuts coffee shop, has threatened commuters with a good time since the game of Keno was invented, but never actually followed through with having the gambling game available in the store until now.


The hilariously incorrect "Play Keno On Here" sign / Photo courtesy of Moranzo Llamas

”I don’t really understand what’s going on here,” commented Charlene “Labia Face” Tucker, an unfortunate looking woman from the bowels of Quincy Point. “I'm glad that they're trying to keep up with the times, but, from the looks of those signs they have hanging up, it appears that the Keno section is located on the roof. It’s like Quincy Center is starting some sort of rooftop gambling racket. It's very confusing.”

This is not the first time a sign in the store has led customers astray. Two summers ago, a monumental error in grammar offered consumers “Free Cigarette Puppies.” This was only remedied after staff thwarted repeated attempts by high school kids to add copious amounts of Camel Lights to their frozen fountain drinks.

"This is a classic example of utilizing the rooftop loophole," remarked Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "You see, a lot of people don't realize this, but local police have no jurisdiction on rooftops. That's why people always act the fool when they're on one. If this convenience store is actually trying to start a Keno gambling ring on the roof of Quincy Center Station, there's really nothing anybody can do about it. All I can do is analyze the crime, I can't stop it. I'm a 9-to-5 girl, I'm not getting all involved in that. What do you want from me, it's not like I'm Bruce Willis, or anyone like that. Write a complaint letter if you want, I've already got plenty. I'll put it right in the bottom of the pile. It don't matter to me."

So far, the seemingly unnamed convenience store has denied all allegations of attempting to start a rooftop criminal gambling enterprise, nor do they appear to even realize the horrid solecism that has occurred.

16 comments:

Moran said...

The actual name of the store is "New Store on the Block".

Anonymous said...

sol⋅e⋅cism  [sol-uh-siz-uhm, soh-luh-]
–noun
1. a nonstandard or ungrammatical usage, as unflammable and they was.
2. a breach of good manners or etiquette.
3. any error, impropriety, or inconsistency.

sweden said...

Thanks annonymous,now I don't have to look it up.

Anonymous said...

Maybe someone should volunteer to open Charlene's folds so she has a clearer picture of what's going on here.......poor thing

Baloney No. 8 said...

Dear Scallion reporters,

While I look forward to reading the Quincy Scallion every morning, I must say that today, I was very disappointed. It seems as though the "reporter" that interviewed me regarding the potential gambling circus atop the T convenient store, has made a grave error in transcribing my quote.

I have known the Scallion to be the most trustworthy news source on the South Shore, but today my enthusiasm and love has been cruelly dashed.

How is it possible that one of the most brilliant journalists (and womanizers) of our time has become so jaded by the uneducated masses in Quincy, that he would allow the most outrageous error in relaying my thoughtful words?

For those readers who still aren't aware of what I'm so irate about, please read the following: "It don't matter to me." According to Mr. Beakwilder, this is what I said on July 14th, a Tuesday.

I am going on record to say that this is one of the most horrifying errors in the history of news, (besides the reporting in the Boston Globe). Never in my life have I committed such a lewd act of grammatical impropriety!

Please be advised, citizens of Quincy, that English was my minor in college, and I have studied the language quite extensively. Why else would I have been so enraged at the incorrect use of an apostrophe by the neo-Nazis on July 1st?

Furthermore, I take rooftop criminal analysis very seriously. Yes, it's true that I am unable to actually stop the crime, but I will report it with the utmost accuracy and sincerity.

I am disheartened, dismayed, and disillusioned, not to mention, disgusted. I demand a retraction! A notorized apology letter wouldn't hurt either.

Good day to you!

Regards,
Audrey Baloney

TURKOLIO FOR MAYOR!

Dink Lightning said...

I am always willing to help the Scallion out. If the Scallion needs a Notary; look no further!

Anonymous said...

We already have a New Store On The Block is in Savin Hill

sweden said...

Audrey, the minute I read that statement I thought,"that doesn't sound like something Audrey would say" kudos to you for callilng the Scallion on it.

sweden said...

Although I did notice in your writing you call him Mr.Beakwilder and I though it was Mr. Beak Wilder,anyone can make a mistake.

Baloney No. 8 said...

Dear Sweden,

I greatly appreciate the fact that you noticed this was a statement entirely out of character for me. And I thank you for your supportive comment and "kudos".

I do, however, wonder why you reprimanded me for mistakenly misspelling Mr. Beak Wilder.

As the old adage goes, "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones". Please refer to almost every one of your entries.

Mr. Beak Wilder and I have not only a professional relationship, but also a long standing personal plutonic relationship as well. I daresay he wouldn't mind the slip. If so, I believe he would have informed me immediately.

I suppose I must apologize to the reading public and Mr. Beak Wilder for this oversight, minor as it may be.

Thank you again Sweden, and happy blogging to you.

We will meet again on future Scally articles I'm sure.

Best regards,
Audrey Baloney

Dom said...

That filthy indian Tito is still walking the streets? I figured he would of been put in jail for casting spells on mangy high school kids.

sweden said...

I do notice my mistakes and it is usually my typing that errs more than my spelling. I also admit I read the Scallion to help better my english and grammar through fellow readers like you. You're lucky to actually know Mr. Wilder, he seems interesting.Missed your comments, glad you're back. Sweden

Baloney No. 8 said...

Dear Sweden,

Thank you so much for the wonderful compliments!

I'm sorry for neglecting the Scallion comment section for so long. I am happy to return!

And Sweden, I missed you as well.

Mr. Beak Wilder is indeed an intriguing and brilliant individual. I feel lucky to have him as my friend.

You also seem like a very interesting character. Will we ever have the pleasure of meeting you in real life?

I hope this meeting comes to pass. In the meantime, we shall congregate via the Scallion and continue this wonderful, sometimes spicy, adventurous verbal discourse!

Fondly,
Audrey Baloney

Beak Wilder said...

Wow, there was some serious foolishness going on in this comment section today. I like it.

And Audrey, I'm sorry to tell you this, but that was a direct quote. Maybe it was the three margaritas you had, or maybe it was just a freak error, but this reporter never makes mistakes.

Seriously, never. I've never once made a mistake. Ever.

sweden said...

Audrey, I'm sure knowing Mr. Wilder so well, which I assume means you have also seen him after a few margaritas, you must have seen him make a mistake. If not, maybe he is the perfect man.

Beak Wilder said...

I'm not sure if you just weren't understanding me the first time around, Sweden, but I had never make mistake.