Saturday, June 27, 2009

Tom Turkolio takes on Jeff Brophy in list of people doomed to fail in upcoming election

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the 2009 Turkolio for Quincy Campaign

Tom Turkolio, the Abington ironworker last in the news for flying off the handle at a local PTA meeting, announced this Thursday his intentions to take on Jeff Brophy in the upcoming Quincy mayoral race.

The announcement, which was made in the Quincy Scallion's own comments section (SEE HERE), was considered by many to be unofficial until last night when Quincy residents began spotting an online advertisement (above) in local message boards. The advertisement, which appears to be the beginning of an aggressive viral marketing campaign, has the entire city on edge, with most people wondering who Tom Turkolio has in his corner.

"I don't even understand what's going on," commented Chuck Tucci, an ordinary working man from Quincy. "I didn't even know that Abington residents could run for mayor in Quincy. That's news to me. I just wanna know who's helping him with this viral marketing campaign. I've met many ironworkers in my life, and most of them don't even know what the internet is, nevermind know how to use it. And I'm not trying to sound condescending, or anything like that, but do they even have internet service in Abington? It's like the fucking wild west out there. I'm pretty sure they still use Bell Atlantic for their phones. Plus, not to bring up old shit, but doesn't this Turkolio guy have a pending trial going on?"

But while some had strong feelings about Turkolio's campaign, most Quincy residents were still unaware of who Tom Turkolio actually is, some of them claiming to have never even heard of him. "I have no idea who we're talking about here," claimed Taylor Greenstock, a public defender from Quincy Point. "Why doesn't he just run for mayor in Abington, that seems a lot more reasonable. Honestly, I'm not even sure they even have a mayor, or what their political system, if any, is set up like, but, either way, it all seems a little bit ridiculous. Couldn't he just run for sheriff, or something like that? That's seriously what I picture when I think of Abington, just one, lone sheriff on a horse, firing a pistol in the air. I dunno, it just seems so obvious to me that this race is between Koch and Phelan. I don't know who this Turkolio guy is, and I certainly have no idea who this Brophy guy is either. These people are making a public spectacle of what should be an ordinary election process. It's a disgrace to everything our forefathers built. It's just wrong."

But Turkolio and his entourage of three Abington kids disagree, and have promised to prove detractors of his campaign wrong. It is a promise that will most likely be left unfulfilled, but a promise, nonetheless.

"Ironworkers don't lie," said Turkolio in his one-on-one interview with the Scallion. "When you start eating lunch thirty-seven stories above ground with nothing between you and the pavement but a single slab of iron, you start to look at the world differently. Quincy is a beautiful city, and I would like nothing more than to be able to mold this city into the thriving community I know it can be. Jeff Brophy can't do that for you, mainly because the kid is a fucking dickhead, but also because the kid just straight-up sucks. Mayor Koch has proven to us that he cares about himself, and himself only. He disregards the interests of the city, always putting his own interests first. Just read the Quincy Scallion and you'll see what I mean. I'm not exactly sure who this Phelan guy is, but he seems like an all right dude. I have nothing against Phelan at all, I just think I could do a better job than he could. This is just something that I know I have to do, because I am 100% confident that I am the man for the job. No hesitation, no turning back. I gotta do it, I have no choice."

Turkolio's entourage of three Abington kids were unavailable for comment, as they were rumored to be drinking cans of Busch beer in the basement of a well-known Green Street whore. There is no word yet on whether, or not, Turkolio is aware that the last two sentences of his quote are exact lyrics from Madball's "Down By Law."


sweden said...

Quincy kids will never accept someone from Abington as Mayor,even though he has proven he can work high. He better give it up.

Beak Wilder said...

While I'll admit that it will be an uphill battle for Turkolio, one must also admit that the Quincy-Abington connection is a strong one.

Like the Providence and Boston mafia, Quincy and Abington have always worked together to provide a certain level of craziness in the streets, more often than not taking place at Tully's Cafe.