Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Image of Craigslist Killer caught on camera above Quincy Center skyline

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Elizabeth Longfur

In what may be the absolute weirdest fucking shit this city has ever seen, a photograph was taken yesterday evening of the Quincy Center skyline with what appears to be the image of the Craigslist Killer in the top left portion.

Scientists are baffled by what may be the first sign of evidence that the Craigslist Killer is not a man, but an omnipresent being, or possibly even a god.

"There's no scientific way to explain this picture," remarked Matty Hammers, a local scientist from the mean streets of Allston. "I've been working in the field of science for quite some time now, and never before have I seen anything like this. This is literally the most mind-blowing, jaw-dropping, face-smashing, ball-grinding shit I have ever seen. It makes me rethink what science has taught us, and I don't like that."

The photograph, which was taken at approximately 6:30PM last night, was presented to us by Elizabeth Longfur of Squantum, who insanely rambled her side of the story to us in between brief moments of vomiting and spasms. "I was up on the rooftops," she explained. "Obviously getting fucked up. Why else would I be on a fucking rooftop, right? I'm up there, just thinking some shit through, and I'm just drilling cans of Natty Ice. And I mean I was literally drilling them. Chug, chug, bam---how ya like that shit---right to the fucking face. And I'm starting to get a little fucked up, I'm not gonna lie, there's no use. That's when I decide to switch to the the bong. I don't have any water on me, so I toss a little Natty Ice in there, pack that shit, and I just start slugging bong hits like it ain't no thing. One hit, two hits, three hits, four---right to the face---fucking whatever, dude. Go fuck yourself. Don't really care. I'm just getting ripped apart, sliced up, fucking annihilated. I'm thinking I better slow down at this point, so I sorta make a pact with myself to pack the thing one more time, then call it quits, right? One more hit, then another one, and another one after that, you know the deal. I'm getting ruthless up in that piece. Fucking ruthless. That's when I look over and see some dude's mug all up in Quincy's shit. I'm thinking it's just something in my mind, you know? Wouldn't be the first time I hallucinated something crazy, that's for fucking sure. This one time at the Squantum school yard, I saw Abe Lincoln shooting free throws with fucking puppies, it was hilarious. Acid was so fucking good back in the day, seriously. Where's that shit been lately, right? So, whatever, moving along. I end up taking a picture of this shit and I head home, not really thinking much of it at all. Anyway, I wake up this morning and take a look at the picture and the dude's still there. That's when I called the press. Not much more to say, to be honest. It was some dead serious shit though, I'll tell you that much."

At this point, no independent researcher or institution has been able to provide any evidence that Longfur's photograph has been falsified in any way. Programs such as Adobe Photoshop and Microsoft Paint have been ruled out, as Longfur swears she does not own a personal computer.

Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst, Audrey Baloney, arrived on the scene shortly after this sighting was reported. "Honestly, this is a little out of my league here," she claimed. "Basically, I was called in because the word 'rooftop' was mentioned. That's what I do. That's my thing. Anything supernatural, unexplained, or even borderline mystical, I'd much rather hand it over to someone else. Knowing what I know about the Craigslist Killer, however, I'd say that everybody is probably pretty safe, for the most part. Aside from prostitutes, that is. Anybody out there sucking dudes off for coke money should probably take a quick glance at the sky first, if you know what I'm saying. Or, just for the sake of offering new ideas, stop sucking dudes off for coke money. There's always that option."

In a not-so-shocking turn of events, Elizabeth Longfur was rushed to Quincy Medical Center almost immediately after her interview with the Scallion. She was diagnosed with extreme bong hit poisoning, making it the first ever recorded case of such a seemingly ridiculous ailment. Authorities have stated that they will remain at Quincy Medical Center until Longfur regains consciousness, at which point they will apprehend her for a series of charges and "set that bitch straight once and for all."


Anonymous said...


sweden said...

This is creepier than Uncle Sams Bilboard. What next??? Koch's gonna be jealous.

lizabeth said...

I wasn't just getting absolutely fucking annihilated on that fucking roof, I was working on my tan.