Faneuil Hall's Quincy Market relocated to Hough's Neck, Craigslist Killer among leading suspects

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Market, the historic building near Faneuil Hall in Downtown Boston, was relocated to the Hough's Neck section of Quincy last night.

While Faneuil Hall has yet to make any official comment on the matter, it remains an excellent location for suburban whores and douchebags to waste their entire paychecks doing the exact same thing they could have done in their own town, all while unnecessarily dressing up, as if there is actually something classy about assimilating yourself into a lifestyle of shitty music, unwarranted cover charges, overpriced mixed drinks, and inevitable date rape.

Authorities discovered this unexpected occurrence when they received an anonymous tip that an out-of-place building had been spotted on Labrecque Field.

"As soon as I saw that building, I knew it didn't belong there," said Rodney Jefferson, the Hough's Neck resident who placed the anonymous call. "I've always had a very keen eye for detail. I tend to notice things that others might miss."

Hough’s Neck Neighborhood Watch founder, Ernie Spindoctor, alerted several members of the community to the building after Mr. Jefferson’s observation.

“Nothing gets by Rodney," Spindoctor said. "He was right on the ball this time. I know for a damn fact that building did not occupy that space yesterday. I spent the better part of my lunch hour flying a model airplane around in that field. How could I have done that if Faneuil Hall was there?”

Calmly chewing an entire pack of Wrigley’s brand gum, wrappers and all, Spindoctor fumbled for the right way to address the situation.

“The fact is, I couldn’t," he added. "You see, I don’t know if you know this, but model airplanes don’t lie. They cannot fly through buildings, historical or not. They are the ultimate test of what is real on this Earth. You think I enjoy skipping lunch and flying those damn things? Not for one minute. I do it to prove a point.”

As to what point Mr. Spindoctor was trying to prove, it remains unclear.

Acting on a hunch, Quincy Police interrogated Philip "The Craigslist Killer" Markoff, who, according to reports, claimed to be in prison at the time of the relocation, making it virtually impossible for him to be involved.

"It's all pretty convenient," said Officer Nico Haylen, Quincy Police Department's 37th best looking employee, not including mechanics, part-time volunteers, or custodians. "A little too convenient, if you ask me."


The Craigslist Killer, who denied any involvement in this crime.

Although common sense tells us that Markoff could not have been responsible for the relocation of Quincy Market, many residents still believe that he is.

"Ever since that kid came to Quincy, it's been fucking chaos," claimed Sally Cider, a spicy little biscuit from Adams Shore. "We don't need people like the Craigslist Killer in our city. Before he came here, this city was beautiful. We oughta stick that kid in one of those piece of shit towns off of Route 24, like Taunton or Bridgewater. That'd be a good punishment. Let's see how long he can handle living among those toothless bastards with their 1985 IROC-Z Camaros and those ladies with acid washed jeans, hi-top Reeboks, and unflicked cigarettes. If you ask me, that's a fine punishment."

At this time, there is still absolutely no evidence of Markoff's involvement.

When reached for comment, Zander Bellacherbo, an 89-year-old nursing home resident with very little knowledge of the incident, would only cryptically add that he had "very little knowledge of the incident.”

While Philip Markoff awaits further interrogation as to his alleged involvement in the Quincy Market switcheroo, many wonder what could possibly happen next.

Speculation abounds on the subject, with wild theories circumventing the area that this is just the beginning of famous landmarks appearing in Hough’s Neck.

Odds-makers, operating illegally out of resident Larry “Chin Music” Hyland’s basement, say the leading bet is a 2-to-1 shot of the Notre Dame Cathedral appearing somewhere on Sea Street before the end of April. If the stunning example of French architecture is found on the even-numbered side of the street, the payout will be quite handsome, indeed.

Local man takes on city over battle to preserve notorious Quincy Center watering hole

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local man went berserk last night over Quincy Center's ongoing development project, which announced in a press conference yesterday that it will be requiring the demolition of Tully's Cafe, a beloved watering hole, which has attracted the attention of the seedy underbelly of Quincy since it's very beginnings.

Authorities were dispatched to the Quincy Center strip at 10:38PM, last night, with reports of a drunken man and his followers organizing what was referred to as "an impressive rebellion," which was allegedly aiming to march through the city streets and storm City Hall in an epic display of pride and intolerance.

Authorities arrested several bar patrons, including Rick Rambone, an out-of-work, under-the-table bartender, who was reported to have been "so drunk that he would have gone down on Amy Winehouse."

Rambone was then taken in for questioning, where he repeatedly attempted to fondle his sweaty, repulsive testicles while being finger printed. It was an act that Rambone was no stranger to, as he has apparently pulled the exact same move a total of nine times over the twelve months.

Rambone was charged with attempted uprising, acting like a dickhead, and exposing himself to a police officer. He will be arraigned Monday morning at Quincy District Court, where it is expected he will plead "not guilty" to all charges.

Tully's Cafe, which has been plagued with a reputation so bad that Quincy has not seen the likes of it since the glory days of the Sag, has made no official statement regarding this. It is expected that all interested parties are still pondering their next move over a table of Old Grand Dad whiskey and Roche Bros. finger sandwiches.

Rambone, trying to get used to the idea of a life without Tully's.

"Those cops violated my right to protest," claimed Rambone, as he soothed the pain away with a series of key bumps and room temperature beers. "Tully's is the best bar in the whole entire world. There are no rules in there. Anything goes. You can dance on tables, you can crank butts in the back, you can do whatever you want. You could even make out with a toothless hooker, if you really wanted to. Nobody in that place has anything to lose, and they all know it. It's like an episode of HBO's Deadwood in there. And they have that hilarious painting with the three dogs, who are all wearing shirts, but not pants. And they're all looking for a golf ball. I'm pretty sure it's called 'In the Ruff,' but I'm not positive. What's gonna happen to that painting if Quincy knocks down Tully's? What's gonna happen to me? Without Tully's, my sex life would be nothing. I'd be at a total loss. The mayor's gonna be hearing from me on this one, you can count on that."

While some admit that Tully's may be good for the city, as it has been known to keep the more unsavory characters of the city in one place, others have gone so far as to say they are glad to hear the news of it's demise.

"Tully's is a bad place," remarked Audrey Baloney, Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst. "A lot of really shady things have gone down there. It's definitely a no-questions-asked establishment, that's for sure. I remember when they found some Swedish nanny's torso on the roof of that place. Nobody would admit to seeing anything. They all just kept drinking their beers and sneaking off to the bathroom to do coke, it was disgusting. Some guy was running head-first into the jukebox for beers. And his girlfriend was getting dry humped by two guys who couldn't even keep their eyes open. It was a sad state of affairs. I've seen abortion clinic waiting rooms with more smiles than this place had. It's a dark place, even on an emotional level. I'm glad they're gonna be tearing it down. This city doesn't need a place like that. Good riddance."

Another perspective, which seems to be shared by a maximum of one resident of the area, is that this backdoor plotting against Tully's Cafe is the work of the enigmatic Craigslist Killer, the hilarious, bumbling psychopath who recently half-assed his way through a series of internet-related robberies and murder.

"The Craigslist Killer wants to make that entire street a black market prostitution zone," said Moranzo Llamas, a well-known day laborer from West Quincy. "The Craigslist Killer has had his hands in this city development project since the very beginning. He's been giving Mayor Koch secret orders from his prison cell. That whole street that Tully's is on is gonna be one huge Hookerville by the time he's through with it. And, if he ever gets out of jail, he's gonna go straight there and just lose his fucking mind. It's gonna be like a real life version of Grand Theft Auto III, except this time, there's gonna be shitload more dead hookers."

The Craigslist Killer, having a good laugh over Tully's, while putting on his signature war jacket.

Llamas then grabbed the side mirror of a passing 215 bus and allowed himself to be dragged back to the west side of town, all while yelling, "Whatever it takes!" to the shocked and befuddled onlookers.

It is still unclear as to what particular drug Llamas had exposed himself to, but it is this reporter's opinion that it was a mix of raging barbiturates and mind-numbing downers.

Image of Craigslist Killer caught on camera above Quincy Center skyline

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Elizabeth Longfur

In what may be the absolute weirdest fucking shit this city has ever seen, a photograph was taken yesterday evening of the Quincy Center skyline with what appears to be the image of the Craigslist Killer in the top left portion.

Scientists are baffled by what may be the first sign of evidence that the Craigslist Killer is not a man, but an omnipresent being, or possibly even a god.

"There's no scientific way to explain this picture," remarked Matty Hammers, a local scientist from the mean streets of Allston. "I've been working in the field of science for quite some time now, and never before have I seen anything like this. This is literally the most mind-blowing, jaw-dropping, face-smashing, ball-grinding shit I have ever seen. It makes me rethink what science has taught us, and I don't like that."

The photograph, which was taken at approximately 6:30PM last night, was presented to us by Elizabeth Longfur of Squantum, who insanely rambled her side of the story to us in between brief moments of vomiting and spasms. "I was up on the rooftops," she explained. "Obviously getting fucked up. Why else would I be on a fucking rooftop, right? I'm up there, just thinking some shit through, and I'm just drilling cans of Natty Ice. And I mean I was literally drilling them. Chug, chug, bam---how ya like that shit---right to the fucking face. And I'm starting to get a little fucked up, I'm not gonna lie, there's no use. That's when I decide to switch to the the bong. I don't have any water on me, so I toss a little Natty Ice in there, pack that shit, and I just start slugging bong hits like it ain't no thing. One hit, two hits, three hits, four---right to the face---fucking whatever, dude. Go fuck yourself. Don't really care. I'm just getting ripped apart, sliced up, fucking annihilated. I'm thinking I better slow down at this point, so I sorta make a pact with myself to pack the thing one more time, then call it quits, right? One more hit, then another one, and another one after that, you know the deal. I'm getting ruthless up in that piece. Fucking ruthless. That's when I look over and see some dude's mug all up in Quincy's shit. I'm thinking it's just something in my mind, you know? Wouldn't be the first time I hallucinated something crazy, that's for fucking sure. This one time at the Squantum school yard, I saw Abe Lincoln shooting free throws with fucking puppies, it was hilarious. Acid was so fucking good back in the day, seriously. Where's that shit been lately, right? So, whatever, moving along. I end up taking a picture of this shit and I head home, not really thinking much of it at all. Anyway, I wake up this morning and take a look at the picture and the dude's still there. That's when I called the press. Not much more to say, to be honest. It was some dead serious shit though, I'll tell you that much."

At this point, no independent researcher or institution has been able to provide any evidence that Longfur's photograph has been falsified in any way. Programs such as Adobe Photoshop and Microsoft Paint have been ruled out, as Longfur swears she does not own a personal computer.

Boston's eighth highest regarded rooftop criminal analyst, Audrey Baloney, arrived on the scene shortly after this sighting was reported. "Honestly, this is a little out of my league here," she claimed. "Basically, I was called in because the word 'rooftop' was mentioned. That's what I do. That's my thing. Anything supernatural, unexplained, or even borderline mystical, I'd much rather hand it over to someone else. Knowing what I know about the Craigslist Killer, however, I'd say that everybody is probably pretty safe, for the most part. Aside from prostitutes, that is. Anybody out there sucking dudes off for coke money should probably take a quick glance at the sky first, if you know what I'm saying. Or, just for the sake of offering new ideas, stop sucking dudes off for coke money. There's always that option."

In a not-so-shocking turn of events, Elizabeth Longfur was rushed to Quincy Medical Center almost immediately after her interview with the Scallion. She was diagnosed with extreme bong hit poisoning, making it the first ever recorded case of such a seemingly ridiculous ailment. Authorities have stated that they will remain at Quincy Medical Center until Longfur regains consciousness, at which point they will apprehend her for a series of charges and "set that bitch straight once and for all."

Quincy maggot infestation plagues Cape Cod

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the Cape Cod Police

Multiple accounts of downright craziness have plagued Cape Cod for the past three days, making residents of the normally peaceful boating community wonder if the well-known vacation hotspot has seen it's last day.

The first reports of wacky behavior came through to the Cape Cod Police Department on Saturday afternoon, when residents of the area complained about what was described as a "Mexican looking man, driving around and listening to Faith No More too loud," although authorities were contacted back almost immediately to be informed that it was "actually Mr. Bungle."

The very next day, police were called again, this time with complaints of a strange man wandering the beach, jumping onto the backs of elderly power walkers and assaulting them with an empty bottle of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum. He was described as "dangerous looking" and "extremely lanky," and was reported to have razor blades tattooed on each wrist.

"Cape Cod is on red fucking alert," said Officer Steve Lobsterman, a seasoned veteran of the notoriously behind-the-times police force. "We haven't had this much unspoken tension since that 15-foot great white shark ended up in the estuary back in the summer of 2004. In my opinion, this is much worse. At least with the shark, you could just stay out of the water. With these kids, they could be anywhere. People don't even wanna leave their house."

Then, on Monday afternoon, things took a turn for the worse when Paul McGranite, a wealthy investor from the Quincy-Milton border, allegedly dressed up like the Craigslist Killer and began terrorizing girls in the street, apparently believing any girl in a two-piece swimsuit to be a prostitute. "It was horrible," said Sally Frappe, a substitute teacher from Beverly. "He picked up a piece of driftwood and just started chasing me through side streets, the whole time screaming things like, "I'm gonna get you, hooker!" and "You're not really a masseuse," it was insane. Nobody even did anything to help me, they just stood there and watched. He didn't even look like the Craigslist Killer. I've seen Philip Markoff on the news plenty of times, and I don't remember anything about him having a flawless pompadour."

Reports kept coming in through the night, as the mischievous residents of Quincy showed no signs of backing down. Most notably occurred on First Encounter Beach, when Meghan O'Brien-Manmohan-Singh, a vegetarian animal lover from South Quincy, purportedly killed an entire flock of seagulls with her excessive second-hand marijuana smoke, resulting in several outspoken animal rights activists to become so upset that they immediately went home to blog about it.

"I hate tourists," said Clif Hanger, a full-time custodian and aspiring musician from Dennis. "This happens every summer, some Quincy kids think it will be a great idea to come down here and act like a bunch of dickheads, and every single time, the people of the Cape freak the fuck out. It never changes. I hate Quincy kids---who doesn't, really---and they're everywhere right now. The only place where there aren't too many is in our local cemetery."

Megan McAllister declares herself single again, puts engagement ring up for sale on Craigslist

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In a very ironic turn of events, Megan McAllister, former fiancée of the Craigslist Killer, has announced that she is now a single woman, and has decided to sell her engagement ring on the popular San Francisco based networking site, Craigslist.

Toodies Fine Jewelry in Quincy has already guaranteed a quality ring for her next engagement, however, remained silent in regards to whether, or not, they could guarantee her next fiancé wouldn't murder anyone.

She is also in the midst of signing a deal with the Fox Broadcasting Company, who will tell the story of Philip Markoff in the upcoming made-for-television drama, Honey, I Killed the Masseuse, which they will produce, using a controversial new "go green" filming method, utilizing the energy generated from his electric chair to supply the necessary power needed for the movie's thrilling special effects.

Philip Markoff charged with seventeen counts of being a really bad fiancé

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Philip Markoff, 22, of West Quincy, Mass., was known by his Boston University contemporaries as "a quiet man" and "a good kid". But little did they know about the madness that lingered just beneath the surface. For days, he had been sneaking behind his fiancé's back, robbing and stealing from members of the local Prostitution Union. It was these actions, as well as a series of well placed mishaps, that led to the murder of "aspiring masseuse", Julissa Brisman, causing local police and the general public to dub him as the "Craigslist Killer".

Prior to living in West Quincy, Philip Markoff was a normal, everyday citizen, the son of a dentist, living in upstate New York, with no criminal record. He was engaged to his college sweetheart, ready to start a new and exciting phase in his life. A phase which may have actually happened if he hadn't gone absolutely insane. It has been said that living in Quincy drove him into a state of madness, where money was there for the taking, and prostitutes served no purpose other than unleashing his unrelenting fury upon. "I can't fucking believe it," one man said, outside Markoff's Highpoint apartment community. "He seemed so normal, so clean-cut." But stories of gambling debts and possible drug addiction have plagued the news for the past day, as it seems Philip Markoff may not have been so perfect after all.

Markoff's arraignment was held on Tuesday, April 21st, at the Boston Municipal Court. He is to be tried for multiple counts of kidnapping, robbery, being a really bad fiancé, and one count of murder. Mixed reactions are still abound in regards to Markoff's controversial decision to enter the courtroom to the hit Scorpions song, "Rock You Like a Hurricane". "It was either that or Bon Jovi's 'Wanted Dead or Alive'," the defense stated. There is no word yet as to why entrance music was needed in the first place, or as to why there were only two songs to choose from. "We plan to take this to trial, and expect nothing less than a full acquittal," the defense added. "Murdering prostitutes is a completely normal way for young men to relieve tension these days, and it's views like these that we plan on taking to court, and using to convince a jury to let this very ordinary looking man go back home to his fiancé. Everybody makes mistakes, and everybody deserves a second chance."

Markoff is being held without bail in an undisclosed warehouse, most likely in the long-since-forgotten town of Dighton. He will await trial, which is scheduled for one hundred and fourteen days from now, in a guarded cell. "We have blocked Craigslist from being viewed on the laptop computer in his cell," said Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis. "We do not expect that the suspect will know about, or attempt to use, any other social networking site, or attempt to communicate with anyone via the internet. We have blocked Google, Ask Jeeves, and Yahoo!, as well as most instant messaging programs, such as Windows Messenger and AIM. The suspect will have absolutely no way of contacting the outside world, aside from the appropriate visiting hours that have been provided to him."

But trouble seems to be on the horizon, as nine out of the twelve jurors have openly stated to the press that they are still unsure as to whether they are trying Philip Markoff or Bernie Madoff. "The last names are just so similar," commented one juror. "It's all a bit confusing to me." In a possibly related event, Bernie & Phyl's warehouse was burned down in a misguided act of mob rage. Until further information is available, stay tuned as this developing story unfolds.

HERE ARE SOME HELPFUL TIPS FOR WHEN MEETING PEOPLE ONLINE:

When meeting someone from Craigslist, always make sure to schedule the meeting in a public place, such as a coffee shop, a food court, or Tully's Cafe on Cottage Ave.

Always tell a friend or family member where you are going, and what time you expect to be back. This will ensure that somebody at least notices that you are missing.

Never underestimate who you are dealing with, and assume that their intentions are not only creepy, but highly impure. The internet is a scary place, and the people that use it are even scarier. There are people out there that would like nothing more than to hack you up into little pieces and walk around wearing your face. It's fucking insane.

Make sure you are armed to the teeth, and that all backup ammunition is easily accessible at all times. It's better to have too much ammunition and not need it than it is to need it and not have it. This is a general rule of thumb, but it especially applies in these types of situations, as it very well could save your life.

If you begin to feel uncomfortable, strike your opponent directly in the nose, using a fast, upward swing. This will cause his, or her, eyes to fill up with tears, giving you the necessary time to escape to a point of safety and call the authorities.