Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Philip Markoff charged with seventeen counts of being a really bad fiancé

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Philip Markoff, 22, of West Quincy, Mass., was known by his Boston University contemporaries as "a quiet man" and "a good kid". But little did they know about the madness that lingered just beneath the surface. For days, he had been sneaking behind his fiancé's back, robbing and stealing from members of the local Prostitution Union. It was these actions, as well as a series of well placed mishaps, that led to the murder of "aspiring masseuse", Julissa Brisman, causing local police and the general public to dub him as the "Craigslist Killer".

Prior to living in West Quincy, Philip Markoff was a normal, everyday citizen, the son of a dentist, living in upstate New York, with no criminal record. He was engaged to his college sweetheart, ready to start a new and exciting phase in his life. A phase which may have actually happened if he hadn't gone absolutely insane. It has been said that living in Quincy drove him into a state of madness, where money was there for the taking, and prostitutes served no purpose other than unleashing his unrelenting fury upon. "I can't fucking believe it," one man said, outside Markoff's Highpoint apartment community. "He seemed so normal, so clean-cut." But stories of gambling debts and possible drug addiction have plagued the news for the past day, as it seems Philip Markoff may not have been so perfect after all.

Markoff's arraignment was held on Tuesday, April 21st, at the Boston Municipal Court. He is to be tried for multiple counts of kidnapping, robbery, being a really bad fiancé, and one count of murder. Mixed reactions are still abound in regards to Markoff's controversial decision to enter the courtroom to the hit Scorpions song, "Rock You Like a Hurricane". "It was either that or Bon Jovi's 'Wanted Dead or Alive'," the defense stated. There is no word yet as to why entrance music was needed in the first place, or as to why there were only two songs to choose from. "We plan to take this to trial, and expect nothing less than a full acquittal," the defense added. "Murdering prostitutes is a completely normal way for young men to relieve tension these days, and it's views like these that we plan on taking to court, and using to convince a jury to let this very ordinary looking man go back home to his fiancé. Everybody makes mistakes, and everybody deserves a second chance."

Markoff is being held without bail in an undisclosed warehouse, most likely in the long-since-forgotten town of Dighton. He will await trial, which is scheduled for one hundred and fourteen days from now, in a guarded cell. "We have blocked Craigslist from being viewed on the laptop computer in his cell," said Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis. "We do not expect that the suspect will know about, or attempt to use, any other social networking site, or attempt to communicate with anyone via the internet. We have blocked Google, Ask Jeeves, and Yahoo!, as well as most instant messaging programs, such as Windows Messenger and AIM. The suspect will have absolutely no way of contacting the outside world, aside from the appropriate visiting hours that have been provided to him."

But trouble seems to be on the horizon, as nine out of the twelve jurors have openly stated to the press that they are still unsure as to whether they are trying Philip Markoff or Bernie Madoff. "The last names are just so similar," commented one juror. "It's all a bit confusing to me." In a possibly related event, Bernie & Phyl's warehouse was burned down in a misguided act of mob rage. Until further information is available, stay tuned as this developing story unfolds.


  • When meeting someone from Craigslist, always make sure to schedule the meeting in a public place, such as a coffee shop, a food court, or Tully's Cafe on Cottage Ave.
  • Always tell a friend or family member where you are going, and what time you expect to be back. This will ensure that somebody at least notices that you are missing.
  • Never underestimate who you are dealing with, and assume that their intentions are not only creepy, but highly impure. The internet is a scary place, and the people that use it are even scarier. There are people out there that would like nothing more than to hack you up into little pieces and walk around wearing your face. It's fucking insane.
  • Make sure you are armed to the teeth, and that all backup ammunition is easily accessible at all times. It's better to have too much ammunition and not need it than it is to need it and not have it. This is a general rule of thumb, but it especially applies in these types of situations, as it very well could save your life.
  • If you begin to feel uncomfortable, strike your opponent directly in the nose, using a fast, upward swing. This will cause his, or her, eyes to fill up with tears, giving you the necessary time to escape to a point of safety and call the authorities.

    Anonymous said...

    I am at the edge of my seat waiting for the next installment of this news ditty. Is it true Mr. Wilder that Philip's alleged fiance, despite all charges intends to marry him anyway????? This certainly takes "Stand By Your Man" to a whole new level! This has inspired me to write songs again.
    Susan Boyle UK

    Beak Wilder said...

    Several reports have stated that local reporters have reported that this alleged fiance does, in fact, intend to go through with the wedding. As to how this story will unfold, nobody knows, although most people have speculated that it can only get more hilarious from here.

    Anonymous said...

    thank you 4 getting back to me so bloody fast chap........should be interseting to see what happens.
    Ta Ta

    MsTanya said...

    Hey Dan, This is Tanya, your mother's friend from the Deac! Love the blog!!!! OMG! Let's just say you heard this from me first. I have a feeling that the fiance may have some knowledge of what her man was up to! After all, she was busted with him on the way to Foxwoods. She had to know something was up just by watching him gambling away a lot of money!!!!! UGH, and DO NOT get me started on that whole Miss USA crap! When in the (bleep) did a beauty pageant become a place for politcal conversation? I thought it was all about the T&A? Toodles!


    Anonymous said...

    FYI Dan that blog that comes up when you click my name is wrong!!!!!!!!!! I have to find out why this is happening! UGH

    Tanya Tillman said...

    The correct one Dan. I need to work on it a ton!