Friday, April 24, 2009

Bruins sign free agent deals with Spanky and Jimmy Flynn, hilarity ensues

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Just after advancing into the second round of the playoffs for the first time in ten years, the Boston Bruins have made a bold move, signing free agent contracts to Quincy locals, Spanky and Jimmy Flynn. It was as unexpected as it was celebrated among fans, as it became increasingly clear that the Bruins would not only never lose a fight again, but have absolutely no problem getting their friends' hardcore bands booked at the Cambridge Elks Lodge.

Spanky and Jimmy joined the Bruins on the bench for the first time two nights ago, refusing to wear the standard issue uniforms they were provided. "I'm a Quincy kid," Spanky explained. "And when I go on that ice, I wanna look like a Quincy kid. Their uniforms are ridiculous. They have no pockets. I need a place to keep my butts. If they don't like it, they can pay me to sit on a fucking bench for the season. Doesn't matter to me. I just wanna take people, smash their fucking faces in, and get paid."

Jimmy Flynn had a more thankful outlook on the situation. "I'm just glad to be playing in Boston," he said. "I've been a Bruins fan for years. It'll be good to be able to play on the same ice as some of the greats. Boston is known for some really amazing and influential players, from Bobby Orr, to Ray Bourque, to Cam Neely, Adam Oates, and even Anson Carter. Just being in the same stadium that bands like Slapshot, Blood for Blood, and Brawlpark have played is an amazing feeling, and I'm looking forward to getting out there and learning how to play."

Spanky and Jimmy are expected to be a starting center and defenseman in the upcoming season, and have already completed a good portion of one practice. It was during this practice that Spanky was ejected on multiple grounds of checking, roughing, and bottling, which, until now, had never occurred before in the game of hockey. "It was insane," one Bruin commented. "This Spanky kid was skating around, picking a fight with anybody that even looked at him weird. And I'm talking about his own team members. We're trying to get psyched up for the second round of the playoffs, and this kid's breaking bottles off peoples' heads and spitting on them. And this Jimmy kid's no better. From what I could see, the kid just sat on the bench the whole practice, drinking Crystal Clear Pepsi and making B.U.M. Equipment jokes." There is no word yet on if the B.U.M. Equipment jokes were funny, or not.

Whether the decision to take on Spanky and Jimmy will be beneficial to the Bruins, only time will tell. But, until then, we can at least know that, whatever happens, it's going to be exciting stuff. If you ask me, I think it will be new and different, and definitely something worth trying. It will be old time hockey.


Burt McGurt said...

I thought it was very strange to see two people on the ice wearing adidas shelltoes and zip up jackets. But I thought it quite natural to see multiple copies of Sam Black Church records scattered all over the rink.

Beak Wilder said...

There's definitely gonna be mixed reviews about changing the official Boston Bruins puck to Sam Black Church 7-inches, but I think that, in time, people will learn to deal. In the meantime, anyone who has a problem with can feel free to take it up with Spanky.