Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Officer Nico Haylen to be featured in upcoming issue of Diabetic Cop Weekly

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Diabetic Cop Weekly

Officer Nico Haylen, the disgraced local cop best known for constantly blaming his overly-antagonistic approach to law enforcement on diabetes, will be featured in the upcoming issue of Diabetic Cop Weekly, the monthly magazine that caters to those who have sworn to protect, serve, and repeatedly monitor their blood glucose levels.

The exclusive interview, which will be available in the August 2009 issue of the highly regarded magazine, will cover Haylen's life from his early childhood to his later years as the most notorious, and often hilarious, diabetic cop Quincy has ever seen.

But not everyone is excited by the news of Haylen's inclusion in the extremely-specific-to-one-very-small-demographic magazine, as some readers have sworn to cancel their subscriptions if Haylen's cover shot makes it's way to the shelves.

"We're talking about someone who murdered over thirty people at his own surprise party," barked Chip Rodgers, an ex-cop and part-time diabetic dishwasher at the Early American on Hancock Street. "He makes diabetics look like they're all psychotic warmongers, it's ridiculous. That guy can't even get a cat out of a tree without someone taking a bullet. The only reason he's still on the force is because he's diabetic and they feel bad for him. The diabetic community will not stand for this, not one bit. Diabetic Cop Weekly can kiss over a hundred subscriptions goodbye if they release this next issue with Haylen on the cover, that's a promise. We already have the signatures. We're one envelope and one stamp away from writing the angriest letter that magazine has ever received. The ball is in their court from here. I just hope they make the right decision."

But Officer Haylen, who is no stranger to being forced to offer his side of events, disagrees, and sees the magazine spot as a chance for a new beginning. "I understand that people are mad," Haylen said. "But what most people have to realize is that they're just jealous. My entire life, people have wanted to be me. I was cursed at birth with these sterling good looks and this magnetic personality. That was my cross to bear. But everytime I catch a break, people wanna shoot me down. Do they seriously think that the only clip I have is the one in my gun right now? There's plenty more where that came from, trust me. This is a new door for me, and people are gonna finally be able to see what I'm all about, and I like that. If people wanna run their mouths about me, that's their choice. I can't stop them from thinking what they're gonna think. But let me ask you this---who's the one on the cover a magazine?"

Haylen's interview with Diabetic Cop Weekly is expected to hit the shelves on July 25th, and has so far not been cancelled or postponed.


sweden said...

Unless it's the cover of Rolling Stone I'm not interested--I know lots of diabetics-it's a cross to bear--they could cover up any abuse-but they're honest and tell you they take the needle because they have to to live..they're heroos in there own minds.

sweden said...

Mr. Wilder--you fill a void in some lives--nice job--Mr. Edwards also.