Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Uncle Sam billboard on Newport Ave yet again fails to impress, causes lynch mob antics

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Yet another sub-par billboard has been put up on the corner of Beale Street and Newport Avenue by none other than Uncle Sam Rounseville, the borderline psychotic real estate agent known for having his name legally changed to "Uncle Sam" in a ridiculous attempt to become the most patriotic dickhead in Quincy.

"I'm getting pretty sick of looking at these things," barked Stina Bellcamp, a master of biomedical veterinary science, and occasional Miller High Life enthusiast. "And the new one just says 'I Shall Return,' and has some stupid Century 21 logo on it. I'm pretty sure that everybody in Quincy already knows that there's no risk of this dude ever going away. Some people just don't know when they're not wanted, and they just keep putting up stupid billboards, and then, even though nobody ever laughs at a single one of them, they just keep putting more up, and it really gets on my fucking nerves. I will never buy a house from Century 21, nobody should. Not after this shit."

Just last night, a lynch mob of sorts showed up at the dreaded corner with pitchforks and torches and attempted to burn the billboard down, releasing Quincy of it's overbearing grasp. Officer Nico Haylen commented on the situation. "As of recently, I've been stationed to this one particular corner, not for any big reason, just a few jams I've gotten myself in, but whatever. I have no idea what is going on with this billboard, or why anyone would actually change their name to Uncle Sam. I didn't ask for this corner, I just got put here until some shit that's going on in my life dies down a bit. I don't understand this Uncle Sam guy's methods, I don't know what his intentions are, I don't necessarily see eye-to-eye with his vague sense of humor, and anybody that disagrees with me is taking one in the kneecap. I know that probably doesn't sound like top-notch police work, but, trust me, it's the only way I know how to keep this city from exploding."

Hundreds of Quincy residents, as well as one ironworker from Abington, have mailed Uncle Sam Rounseville letters, all pleading with him to stop the madness, or, at the very least, make an actual attempt at being funny. All letters, however, have been ignored, making it far too apparent that Uncle Sam has no intentions of leaving, but more so has full intentions of an inevitable return.


sweden said...

Another one who's full of himself-he even wears that outfit out of Quincy-at least the signs not in chinese..

Anonymous said...

Is Sweden racist?

sweden said...

No,I just think if you live here you should speak and read our language- talk about early rising--4:02 AM?

Beak Wilder said...

Sweden, you out of all people should realize that 4:02 AM in Quincy is not an early rising. More than anything, it's a sign of a late night come to an end.

sweden said...

Hope it was a good one-

Anonymous said...

It was.