Friday, June 26, 2009

West Quincy's prayers are answered as cigarette prices drop to state minimum

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Riots have broken out in the heart of West Quincy as residents have finally had their prayers answered for lower prices on cigarettes, or "ciggs," as they are referred to in the notoriously plebeian community.

Tino's Gulf Station, former hangout spot of first generation, metalhead "t-rats," such as Rick Sinner, Bill Beastly, and Greg "Basset Hound" Düdemankid, announced yesterday in their weekly press conference that they will now be offering cigarettes at state minimum prices. It is this state minimum that will offer customers a savings of nearly thirty-five cents per pack, leaving smokers with the general feeling that, while they still might be getting raped in the ass, at least there's lube involved.

"Needless to say, I'm fucking ecstatic," commented Chris Mandukes, a mid-level coke dealer from Town Hill Street. "If you ask me, the government has been far too involved in the price of ciggs for far too long. Every time I buy a pack, I feel like I just got my fucking face fucked by Deval Patrick himself. Which, let's face it, is fucking disgusting. But it's businesses like Tino's Gulf that make it a little easier on the pocket."

Employees of Tino's Gulf Station, who have built a strong relationship with residents over the years due to their fair prices and "no questions asked" policies, were just as excited to celebrate the recent price change. "I been workin' here for over a month," said Shamika Johnson, an aspiring reality television star. "And believe me, I done seen some dead serious shit. People come in here all the time, I don't ask questions. You want gas, but you ain't got no car wit'choo, I ain't be askin' shit. That ain't none of my business. Just gimme somethin' to put it in and go about'cha day. Next day, read the paper, dead hooker, bitch be found all on fire and shit---ain't no thang but a chicken wang, know what I'm sayin'? You feelin' me? I ain't be givin' a shit. You want gas, I sell ya ass some gas. Sell ya ciggs real cheap, too. Dirt cheap. State minimum all up in this bitch, ya hear?"

Shortly after the press conference, Tino's Gulf hosted their first annual "Bigg Ciggs Shindigg" party, which included live music and games for any West Quincy resident who smokes cigarettes. Games at the event included a cigarette smoking contest, in which the winner of the contest was awarded one free quart of 5W20 grade semi-synthetic motor oil, as well as a "cigg toss," where participants would stand behind a line and flick cigarettes as close as they could to a pool of spilled gasoline, all while trying to avoid a fiery blaze.

Musical performances were provided by the Ciggnificant Others, Ciggmund Freud and the Snipes, and Tino's own hip-hop artist, Ciggie Smalls.

Food was then served as Tino's unveiled their brand new "Cigg Newtons," which as far as anyone could tell, were nothing more than cigarette butts wrapped in a flour-based pastry, baked on top of a 6.4 liter turbocharged diesel engine's intake manifold.

It was upon hearing this information that residents of the area went completely berserk, resulting in massive pile-ups on Copeland Street, multiple beatings, uncomfortably long rapes, and thousands of dollars in property damage. Authorities are still on the lookout for an unknown man who literally drove his vehicle through the service bay door of Tino's and began devastating the living shit out of people in a manner that was described by onlookers as "just like that skinny karate dude in Alpha Dog." At this point, there is no known information as to the suspect's whereabouts or identity, however, based on one spectator's photograph of the amazing getaway, it is presumed that he is a huge fucking Guns N' Roses fan.


MOBmfA said...

Shamika's my fave!She also spearheads the Bic lighter State minimum - You try paying for a lighter with a $20 and you get a free lighter cuz she ain't making change.

sweden said...

Smoking has been around forever-the government's way to involved in our lives-a person wants to have smokers in they should be allowed to-don't even get me going I know this is suppose to be fun--

Stephanie said...

wish i was there, i just may be the fastest cig smoker in the city.

Anonymous said...

As opposed to those comfortable, short rapes that usually go down