Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Female crime boss wreaks havoc on South Shore, gets passed off as "that time of month"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Maggino Brianalli, reputed female crime boss of Boston's La Chica Nostra faction, was reportedly seen murdering a Quincy man behind Ups N Downs, the notorious Boston bar formerly known as the "Pony Room," causing authorities to prepare for what may be the biggest gang war this area has seen since the late eighties.

"Talk about having a hissy fit," remarked Kevin Hammark, a Quincy local known for his ability to stir the pot. "This is what happens when you put women in charge, they start acting all catty and shit. Somebody better send this bitch a couple bottles of Midol before she starts taking this shit over the bridge. That's the last thing Quincy needs, some menstruating crime boss running around like a freak off it's leash, taking dudes out just because she has cramps and couldn't just settle down and deal with 'em like a normal chick would."

The gang war, which is being fought between organized crime syndicates in Quincy and Boston, has been going on for the past four decades, although was seemingly stagnant until yesterday afternoon, when authorities were dispatched to the scene after residents heard what sounded to be twelve shots fired at approximately 3:18PM. "Both cities are fighting for their right to use Ups N Downs as a meeting place for their gangs," commented Matty Hammers, a criminal scientist known for his constant use of hammers in situations that do not necessarily require them. "You see, Ups N Downs is right on the border between the two cities, and for years, these two factions have been fighting over the right to call it their own. A lot of people don't realize this, but the scene in True Romance with Christopher Walken and Dennis Hopper was actually loosely based on events that took place at that bar. Very loosely though. Either way, it's an excellent bar, with a charming interior, to say the least, so I can understand what all the fuss is about."

"I think we can all see what's going on here," stated Lynn Seagreen, a bartender at Murphy's Twin Shamrocks. "Once again, the men in this area are giving absolutely no credit to a woman who has worked her way up through the ranks of organized crime. Everybody walks around this town and praises Whitey Bulger like he's some type of god, but, when it comes down to it, Maggino Brianalli has achieved much more in a shorter amount of time. But every time she takes someone out, everybody just makes it sound like it was PMS-related. People should just give credit when credit is due, it's fucking ridiculous."

No further reports of violence have been linked to these events, however, it is expected that retaliation on Quincy's part will be implemented sometime before the coming weekend. Possible thoughts for a Quincy retaliation include having Germantown kids crash the wedding of a prominent Boston mobster, sending Brianalli a white Bic lighter in the mail, or possibly bombarding a known Boston mafia club with dozens of "Flaming Dunks," which are nothing more than Molotov cocktails made using a Dunkin' Donuts "Great One" cup. Until then, authorities have warned the public to watch out for any peculiar activity on the Quincy-Boston border, and have offered a $500 reward for any information leading to the location of whoever took such a clear and up-close picture of the shooting.

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