Monday, June 29, 2009

City stunned as Dairy Freeze sign mysteriously predicts celebrity deaths

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The entire city of Quincy was left stunned as a mysterious sign outside a local Dairy Freeze on Adams Street has once again accurately predicted a celebrity death. The sign, which has predicted the exact date of Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and now celebrity pitchman Billy Mays’ deaths, has shocked all who have witnessed it’s awesome power.

Adding to the eerie nature of things, staff of the business claim that no one has admitted to placing letters on the sign, which has been unused since 1993. Apparently, the managers of the Dairy Freeze suspended employees from using the sign after a late night prank advertising “Butt Cream Sundaes” and “Hot Fudge Cancer” for “$5,000.00 Dollars” brought in numerous complaints. Since then, the sign has been left bare until recent events.

“It’s definitely spooky,” remarked day manager Tommy VonGatton, “I don’t really feel safe working here anymore. I mean, I guess the Hollywood community should feel even less safe than I do, considering the fact that they’re the ones dropping like flies, but I still don’t like it.”

When questioned as to whether Mr. VonGatton had any idea who was putting up the mysterious messages on the sign, he stated that none of his employees were to blame. “No, there is no one doing it," he added. "I have watched all the security tapes and the letters just appear at midnight every night. It’s completely fucked up.”

The bizarre messages began appearing last year but were not taken seriously by management until the recent spate of celebrity deaths. Former employee and recent Quincy College dropout, Fletch McCarthy, worked at the Dairy Freeze last year and claims to be the first person to notice the odd messages.

“Yeah, it was nuts,” explained McCarthy between slugs of lukewarm Sam Adams Boston Lager. “I went out to crush some ales in the parking lot on my break and saw that there was shit written on the sign. Nobody is supposed to put anything up there. It’s the first thing they taught me in the training course. Well, right after they told me to put my beers away, but c’mon dude, that’s just childish. This kids tryin’ to serve some cold delights over here.”

McCarthy then paused to fire a box of empty bottles over a nearby fence before resuming his story. “The sign said something about ‘One Free Small Sundae When You Purchase a Large Ice Blizzard,' but then, below that, it said ‘Heath Ledger WILL Die on January 21, 2008.’ I mean, I thought that was kinda weird, but the small sundae thing made sense considering that was the special deal that week, so I just left it alone. I didn't really think much of it at the time."

While the prediction regarding Ledger’s death struck some as strange, it was not taken seriously, as it was one day off from the actor’s actual date of death. But not long after, things began to change, and the sign grew more and more accurate. Passersby began gathering around it and slowly, but surely, the sign became a tourist hotspot. Japanese-American tourists from as far away as Hingham could be seen taking pictures with the now infamous landmark. Many celebrities, including notorious shitbag Robin Williams, nervously wrote into Dairy Freeze’s upper management in the hopes that the sign might be taken down. When reached for comment, franchise owner “Dairy” Don Freeze explained that they would like to bow to the pressure from the Hollywood community, but the sign has been “one hundred percent accurate in advertising up-to-the-minute ice cream specials, thus making it the most competent worker Dairy Freeze has ever had”, and has even been the source of added revenue for the business.

“We’re going to miss Mr. Mays and his loud-as-hell sales pitches,” sighed Freeze. "But that doesn’t mean the ice-cream-loving public should miss out on the ridiculously low priced ‘Hurricane Blueberry Blizzard Shake’ that is being served this week! There's no better way to start off the summer.”

For now, the entire entertainment industry must hold it’s breath and await further morbid predictions from the sign, while the entire ice-cream-loving world awaits with equal anticipation for the newest deals and specials on delicious summer treats.

1 comment:

sweden said...

I remember when the dependable cleaners lost the R in there sign and it read "Shits as You Like Them"