Monday, January 25, 2010

Mysterious pranksters take Quincy residents back in time with nostalgic gags of old

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A series of old and familiar pranks took place over the weekend, causing many Quincy residents to be forced to look back and realize that not much has changed.

Most notable is what happened at the infamous Kim Market, where the words "Stay Free" were crudely spray painted on the brick wall of the building's left side.

As many inhabitants of the area may remember, these exact words had been spray painted on that wall some decades ago, where they remained for many years.

"This is a disgraceful act," claimed Officer Nico Haylen. "But it's also kind of amusing. I'm not condoning vandalism, but, if you absolutely have to do it, you might as well do everything you can to make it funny. And I don't care what anybody says, this is pretty funny. Kim Market must think that they got stuck in some sort of crazy time warp. Chinese people almost never know what's going on, it's hilarious."

Kim Market, whose general disregard for proper grammar is no secret at all.

Next on the list took place at an abandoned storefront on Newport Avenue, between Beale Street and Brook Street, in the area of Village Driving School.

This storefront, which has been abandoned and unattended to for as long as most Quincy residents can remember, was once the home to a Clash's London Calling poster, which, according to a 1991 edition of the Black's Creek newsletter, was visible through a cloudy window of the former establishment.

As reported by authorities during a Sunday morning press conference on the rooftop of Fratelli's Bakery, the Clash poster has since returned, although, this time, is glued to the outside of the window.

The infamous Clash poster, back in action on the deteriorating Beale Street strip.

"I have no idea what's going on in that fucking town," claimed Silent Mike K., a Charlestown resident who declined to comment any further.

While authorities are baffled by these recent pranks, no arrests have been made.

Quincy District Attorney and early Beastie Boys enthusiast, Calvin Shoreshott, however, promised swift vindication to all those involved.

"People in this city have been doing what they please for far too long," said Shoreshott. "People are making a joke out of our law enforcement and traditional values, acting like life is a big commercial."

Stopping briefly to grab two girlies and a beer that's cold, Shoreshott continued. "We believe that we are looking for a young man, or possibly a group of young men. From my experience, Quincy girls are unable to perform even the most meaningless task without getting their disgusting period blood all over the place. Anyone who has been to either of these two locations since Saturday night can clearly see that there is no more blood there than usual. Plus, given the fact that every woman in the history of mankind has the exact same handwriting, we can clearly see that this is the act of a man. We will find who is responsible for these actions, and we will prosecute them to the fullest capacity. These motherfuckers are going down hard."

Until further information is known, no further information will be made available.

As usual, Kim Market will be offering illegal sex acts in the basement level of their establishment, which is said to include their world famous "Hi-Definition Handjob," a mind-blowing combination of old school techniques and new school technology.


Anonymous said...

Stay free!!!!!!

Patrick said...

who would've done such a thing.

Beak Wilder said...

The Quincy Scallion is asking that all those who have any information regarding the culprits of these hilarious actions please keep it to themselves.

Silent Partner said...

love it!

Anonymous said...

A la mode!!!!!