Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
In a fit of misplaced, celebratory rage, the building that once housed Tullio’s restaurant was knocked to the ground by a group of angry blacks this morning.
Wielding baseball bats, Molotov cocktails, knives, and Nintendo Power Gloves, gangs throughout the city formed liked a scene from Michael Jackson's "Thriller," each of them with the ingrained knowledge that Tullio's must be destroyed.
"Tullio's never cared about the African Americans in this city," claimed Glenroyal Smoothshave, an outspoken former welterweight boxer, who is known for constantly being so angry and so black. "That place was the shittiest restaurant in North Quincy. Who the fuck wants their chicken grilled instead of fried? White people, that's who. Who the fuck eats red sauce these days? White people, that's who. But when I want a pulled pork sandwich and some fucking collard greens, I get to walk over to Nebraska's in Norfolk Downs and find out it's a fucking teppanyaki place. Who the fuck eats teppanyaki? Chinese people, that's who!"
Glenroyal Smoothshave, living up to his reputation of being so angry and so black.
"I'm not sure what destroying an already-out-of-business restaurant does, but it seems very strange to me," remarked Dr. Smitherly Shallot, a man who has had his medical license constantly disputed since he purchased it online three weeks ago. "Martin Luther King, Jr. was a great man, but that's no excuse to run around burning down old Italian-style restaurants. For every benefit Caucasians have been given, blacks have been given at least two. When white people were given the ability to do their own taxes, black people were given gigantic penises and humongous testicles. When white people were given Irish pubs to hang out in, black people were given barber shops and car washes. And when white people were given an immune system that makes it virtually impossible for them to get sickle cell, black people were given Barack Obama and the promise of a third Dr. Dre album, which, according to Wikipedia, should be coming out very soon."
As authorities and city workers sort through the rubble, no arrests have been made.
O'Malley Construction, who has already been paid to perform the demolition of the former Tullio's restaurant, was unavailable for comment at this time, although is expected to be more than pleased to find this task already performed.
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