Monday, January 18, 2010

Domino’s Pizza’s new recipe inspires locals to voice opinions

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Domino’s corporation’s revamped pizza recipe has inspired local food eaters to weigh in with their meaningless opinions.

A mob of hungry people swarmed the North Quincy Domino’s location in order to sample the new pizzas and then spew out ill-informed and oft unasked-for reviews.

Bogart Belmont, a 61-year-old amateur bird watcher, was the first to review said pizza. “I gotta say…it’s good. Plenty of asparagus went into this dough. There is definitely a hint of leather, too, I believe.”

Belmont then spent several minutes listing off various ingredients he could taste, not one of which was actually used in the food.

“It’s awful. Too much rice and not enough potassium,” declared Curtis Matcher.

Matcher, owner of Matcher’s Auto Body Shop, the only auto body shop in Quincy that works exclusively on remote control cars, then slipped on a banana peel to the comical sound effect of a slide whistle.

He was taken by Cataldo Ambulance to Quincy Medical Center, where his neck was pronounced “all fucked up” by a Dr. Desmond Shaw.

Cataldo Ambulance, whose tucked-away North Quincy location has remained unknown for years.

A more positive review was given by Monty Listovitch, a self-described “lunchtime libertine.” Listovitch declared his slice of pepperoni pizza “exemplary” before dashing off to the men’s room to take a quick bath. Upon returning, it was noted that Listovitch had not paid for his meal and was subsequently placed under citizen’s arrest by Arthur “Two Eyes” Donoguary.

Donoguary, next in line, ordered nine slices of cheese pizza with a side of mushrooms. He deemed his meal to be “adequate.”

Owner of a nearby exotic pet shop, Dino Murphy, expressed concern that a new recipe would affect his daily life. “What am I going to do? Why don’t they consider the working man? There’s no way I can feed my animals this new recipe. I don’t know what new spices they’re using now. The digestive system of a North Syrian Sand Snake may not react well to organic oregano.”

The racially diverse staff of the North Quincy Domino's location, taking quick photo break.

"I think our new recipe is gonna do a lot of good for business," claimed Manuel Featherstone, a 2nd-shift supervisor, who currently resides at a Dysart Street halfway house. "Our pizza was some of the worst pizza the world had ever seen. It tasted like a mix between cardboard, ketchup, and vaginal discharge. Now, with this new recipe, we'll be able to compete with some of the big names in the business. DiGiorno, Totino's, Tombstone, you name 'em. They got another thing coming, that's for fucking sure. Nobody fucks with Domino's. You hear what I'm saying? I don't care if it's the world, society, your family, or a fucking high school keg party. If somebody or something says something against Domino's, you do everything you can to hit back. And that's exactly what we're doing with this new recipe."

There is no word yet on if Featherstone realizes his blatant thievery of White Trash Rob lyrics, nor has there been any confirmation on exactly how long you will shit your guts out after coming into contact with Domino's new, mysterious spices.

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