Friday, January 29, 2010

Local activist demands justice for Kim Market vandals, personally funds investigation

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i870 cell phone

Local public activist and bumbling billionaire, Dino Bland, has made it his personal mission to unmask those responsible for the recent vandalism on the Hunt Street side of Kim Market in North Quincy.

As reported by Quincy Police, the words "Stay Free" had been spray painted on the brick side of the building at some point over the weekend.

Bland, who is no stranger to embarking on crazy adventures, was last in the news after defeating a Bengal tiger at Boggle during a cystic fibrosis benefit that ended with three dead and over $30,000 in property damage.

Bland will assemble his own team of detectives, and has stated that he will finance the mission entirely with personal funds.

Alison "Alley Chick" O'Relly, Bland's personal assistant and head confidant, promised swift justice to any, and all, who may have been involved.

"Bland Capital and Investment Consulting and Corporate Demutualization Firm for Mergers and Acquisitions of Northeastern America will not rest until the culprits of this action have been brought to justice," O'Relly said. "The B.C.I.C.C.D.F.M.A.N.A. has stood around and watched the seedy underbelly of this city do as it pleases for far too long. And we are not going to take it any longer. We are going to stand up and unite against those who are set to destroy this beautiful city. For without unity, we are not united. But with unity, we are. But we must not lose hope. Hope is what will bind us together as one. I read somewhere that, without hope, man is but an animal. And I'm not sure if that's true, but it certainly seems to be."

There is no word yet on if O'Relly realizes that she was, in fact, quoting White Trash Rob lyrics, which, in turn, were actually quoting someone else.

As of now, there have been no reported developments in Bland's investigation, although he has stated that he will be offering a reward of "unknown riches beyond your wildest fucking dreams" to anyone who has information leading to the arrest of those responsible for the malicious defacement of Kim Market.


Tacky said...

If anyone can get to the bottom of this, it's Dino Bland.

Anonymous said...

Dino Bland? It looked and sounded more like Hunter S, sans rambling screed...