Friday, January 15, 2010

Local idiot to perform daring acts on rooftop

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Controversy is abound throughout Quincy Point today, as William Sardonowicz, a carpenter's assistant from Sumner Street, has announced his intentions of flying from the rooftop of the Quincy Point Fire Station to the Pizza Hut parking lot below.

Sardonowicz, who may, or may not, be mentally retarded, has never before completed such a bold and daring act, although expresses great hopes that he will succeed in his attempts, which will be taking place this Saturday.

While most residents of the area couldn't care less about Sardonowicz, others have expressed concern, some of them even claiming he has autism.

"William Sardonowicz is autistic," commented Dr. Stanley Rubberstein, who claims to have a professional relationship with Sardonowicz. "His friends and family have referred to him as 'Autistic Bill' ever since the first grade. Trust me, he is a patient of mine. In fact, he is my only patient. Taking care of William is a full-time job, which requires many assistants. Whether he is capable of making a decision on his own is not up for debate. Don't let him do this."

Autistic Bill, posing for a Quincy Police mugshot after a January 2008 arrest for lewdness.

An amateur stuntman at best, having never actually performed any previous stunts whatsoever, Sardonowicz hopes to clear a distance of approximately 25-feet before landing, using nothing but a makeshift flying device, which consists of rope, duct tape, two mismatched ceiling fans, and an old bedroom door.

"I think he's gonna make it," remarked Jerry McPlough, a spicy little pickle from Curtis Avenue, last in the news after getting slapped a record nineteen times in one night by girls at Cagney's. "Autistic Bill can do anything he puts his mind to. He's one of the bravest people Quincy has ever seen. If I had to guess, I'd say that Autistic Bill just keeps on going, even past Pizza Hut, maybe even as far as Lube Lab. It will be an honor to watch that little guy soaring through the air, free as bird, with nothing between him and the ground but an autistic head full of dreams."

Autistic Bill is expected to perform his daring act tomorrow at noon, on the rooftop of the Quincy Point Fire Station, where he will reportedly attempt to fly all the way to the Pizza Hut parking lot, stopping in after for a hot slice of cheese.

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