Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Mayor Koch to replace Warren G as municipal finance director, vows to regulate City Hall

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mayor Koch has shit-canned the city's first municipal finance director and named former school committee member, Nicholas Puleo, to replace him.

Puleo, 26, will replace Warren G. Sproul in the $100,000-a-year position starting February 8th, and is expected to fall for almost every rookie prank thrown his way throughout his first day on the job.

"It is time for us to regulate City Hall," Koch said, as he sank his teeth into an overstuffed meatball sub. "But you can't be any geek off the street. You gotta be handy with the steel, if you know what I mean. You gotta earn your keep!"

Koch hired Warren G back in November of 2008, having created the municipal finance department shortly after taking office, most likely as a way to distract people from his "personal finances," such as luxurious carpeting, Bose stereo systems, hi-definition flat-screen televisions, and countless trips to Papa Gino's.

Designed to centralize the city's financial operations, which were previously spread out among several departments, the municipal finance department has so far been extremely successful. Aside from the fact that its director has already been asked to leave, that is. But, other than that, everything has been pretty smooth.

As reported, Quincy has an annual budget of about $226 million.

Nicholas Puleo, who most likely didn't finger too many chicks in high school.

Before taking the finance director job, Warren G worked as chief financial officer for the city of Salem, which most likely entailed using calculators and burning witches.

Puleo's new position is a mayoral appointment, which is up for renewal every three years, however, does not have a contract or require approval from the city council.

Puleo, who resides in Wollaston, started his career in government in 2005, just after graduating Northeastern University. Since then, he has maintained multiple jobs regarding budget analysis and restructuring, as well as serving as chief of staff to state Senator Stanley Rosenberg, who is rumored to be Jewish.

The infamous Warren G, back when he still had a job with the city.

"This is a fucking joke," declared Warren G, as he purposely finished his fountain drink as loudly as possible. "This Puleo kid is too young and inexperienced."

Puleo, however, disagrees with Warren G's assessment of him, stating that he plans to improve the city's budget by adding "clearer explanations" and "more graphs," which, according to local graph experts, may be exactly what this city needs.

As for the remark about his age, Puleo chose not to comment, although this reporter finds it funny to think of the fact that this city's new 26-year-old municipal finance director has most likely taken Ecstasy no less than six times.

"I say let the mayor give the little guy a shot," remarked Victor Parcheesi, a known supporter of change. "It can't be any worse than that guy he brought in from New York to go over the books after he first took office. What was his name again, Bill the Butcher? That guy was fucking brutal. I don't even think he ever once looked at the books. All that guy did is run around throwing knives at people."

Bill "The Butcher" Cutting, posing in front of City Hall upon his arrival in January 2008.

"Bill the Butcher was a mistake," Koch admitted, as he did everything in his power to hide the giant marinara stain on his TJ Maxx tie. "He was from the old school and his methods were outdated. I won't even try to deny that. A lot of innocent people got hurt during his stay here, and, for that, I sincerely apologize. Better luck next time, right? You win some, you lose some. Know what I'm sayin'?"

Puleo will start his new position at City Hall in just under two weeks, and is expected to sit on his ass and watch Comcast's FEARnet On Demand until then.

There is no word yet on how Puleo plans on hiding the mayor's reported $300-a-day meatlover's pizza habit, although it is assumed that he will merely pin the wasted funds on the city's controversial East Quincy Zoning Board department.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Another triumph!