Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Last-minute mix-up triggers premature celebration by Coakley campaign on night of defeat

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Coakley campaign celebrated a bit too early yesterday afternoon at their headquarters in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, where the previously-thought-to-be shoe-in for the senate seat and her followers danced around and cheered, prematurely claiming victory over underdog Scott Brown.

The issue which is said to have caused the misunderstanding leading to the untimely festivities was when local City Hall employee, Joe Schlopp, who performed copying and scanning duties for the campaign, overheard a rumor that Scott Brown had previously beaten the shit out of R&B artist Rihanna.

Upon hearing this false information, Schlopp immediately took Martha Coakley aside and informed her of the news, which ended up resulting in one of the craziest and most intense parties the Democrats have seen in a long time.

It wasn't quite as crazy as a Teddy party---with all the cheap beer, hard liquor, cocaine, and dead chicks---but it was a good time to be had for all.

It wasn't until Quincy mayor and R&B aficionado, Tom Koch, barged in with news of the misunderstanding that Democrats began to realize their fatal error, some of them even resorting to taking their cocaine and leaving.

"I guess there was an incident with this Rihanna girl a while back," claimed Sol Shrewdman, an obviously Jewish attorney who has been representing the Coakley campaign for the past two months. "Somebody beat the bag outta the girl last year, and everybody got all up in arms about it. The mix-up is that, as it turns out, it wasn't actually Scott Brown who abused her. It was some guy named Chris Brown, who, from my understanding, is some sort of entertainment guru. Either way, the names are so close that this is a mistake even top officials in law enforcement could have made. These are both quick, two-syllable names, that, when said quickly, basically sound the same. Ninety-six percent of death row inmates are innocent men and women, who are only where they are because their name happened to sound like somebody else's. This kind of thing happens all the time."

Shrewdman's death row statistics were immediately proven to be drastically incorrect by a passing Easter Nazarene College student, who then dismissed the shamed attorney with a fierce headbutt and several well-placed shots to the ribs.

Shrewdman was later brought to Quincy Medical Center, where he condescended doctors and nurses repeatedly by constantly mentioning his status as a lawyer during conversations that had nothing to do with law, and was eventually told to wait in a nearby utility closet, where he still remains at this time.

The photograph of a beaten Rihanna, courtesy of TMZ, a website for whores.

"I'm glad Martha Coakley lost," remarked Kip Van Chutney, a man who hasn't voted for a Republican since he was charmed by the cool and confident demeanor of Ronald Reagan. "That old bag of bones didn't stand a chance. It's funny that she thought she had it for a little while, though. I would have liked to have seen her face when she realized she didn't. From what I hear, it was the first time her face showed any sign of human emotion. To be honest, I'm surprised the thing didn't shatter the second she frowned. What a fucking worthless piece of shit."

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