Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web
Heroin addiction was revealed to be significantly less glamorous than it has been made out to be in the hit songs of the Velvet Underground, a recent study shows.
The study, which was conducted by experts, shows that heroin addiction is, in fact, only half as glamorous as previously thought, making it only twice as glamorous as crack addiction, as opposed to four times as glamorous, as originally believed.
"This a groundbreaking moment in the field of useless science," said Dr. Wayne Jetski, who asked that his name not be mentioned in this article. "With everyday that passes, more useless information is gathered. Sometimes we do something with it, other times we don't. There is literally a whirlwind of information out there, just waiting to be used in studies, such as this. Through various acts of research, we have determined that there is almost nothing glamorous about being addicted to heroin, which, as many of you know, is considered by some to be the romance drug. For many years, bands such as the Velvet Underground and Depeche Mode have given their fans a false hope that, if only they did heroin, everything would be okay. This is actually nothing more than a half-truth. Everything will be okay---that much is most definitely true---but only at first. After a while, the stuff really ends up taking a toll on you. It's pretty ugly stuff, believe it or not. At least that's what I hear."
Dr. Jetski, the one-time recipient of the Merrymount Association's "Excellent Doctor" award.
Excusing himself for a moment to "take a shot of insulin," Dr. Jetski casually closed his office door, where, moments later, the Velvet Underground's "Venus in Furs" could be heard playing through his brand new Bose iPod docking station.
In a strange turn of events, Dr. Jetski was found dead only minutes later by what his fellow colleagues described as "natural causes."
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