Thursday, January 21, 2010

Extremely bored Quincy residents actually take time to cover old "Phelan for Mayor" stickers

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i870 cell phone

In a shocking turn of events, a group of unknown Quincy residents have been actually taking time out of their fun-filled lives to cover old "Phelan for Mayor" stickers with extremely lackluster "Your Guy Lost, Get Over It!" stickers.

While authorities have no idea who is behind the anti-Phelan stickers, some residents have already begun to form their own theories.

"This heinous act has Father Bill's Place written all over it," claimed Hal Doopis, an "I wear Hawaiian shirts all summer long" type of guy from Merrymount, last in the news after invoking his right to party at Quincy District Court in the middle of disputing a traffic violation. "Everyone knows that the mayor eats an insane amount of Papa Gino's meatlover's pizza. If you live in this city, it's no secret. The dude can take a few slices down, to say the least. But, if you're really fresh on your recent facts---which I just so happen to be---you may also know that he never eats the crust. My theory is this; the homeless in this city are staunch Koch supporters, but not for any political reason. It's because they know that, with him in office, the City Hall dumpster will always be filled to the brim with endless boxes of pizza crust."

Stopping briefly to finish a game of croquet, Doopis continued. "Phelan is a redhead. And, if anyone knows anything about redheads, it's that they always eat their crust. I don't think anybody is gonna attempt to dispute that one. No fucking way."

Doopis then quickly crossed the street and proceeded to beat an entire group of high school kids with a croquet stick. And the croquet stick he used was bright pink.

As to who is responsible for the anti-Phelan stickers, no one can be sure.

Authorities have stated that they have exhausted all available resources at this time, which are said to entail three ready-to-retire beat cops, six kiss-ass North Quincy High School ROTC kids, and one chain-smoking female police dispatcher.

Knowing this information, many city residents have stated that it has become increasingly clear that this mystery may never be solved.

As to how the homeless people of Father Bill's Place could actually afford to have these stickers made, as they clearly spend all of their "assets" on boxed wine and prescription painkillers, remains the biggest mystery of all.

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