Monday, January 11, 2010

Food Network visits City of Presidents for exclusive tasting of spicy Fat Cat treats

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Food Network visited the City of Presidents yesterday for an exclusive tasting of spicy Fat Cat treats, ranging from Bloody Marys, spicy boneless chicken tenders, barbecue pork nachos, and habanero pepper-infused ice cubes.

Dozens of Quincy residents gathered around the bar early yesterday morning and watched as Food Network cameraman, Mookie Pepperjack, filmed shots of a variety of macaroni and cheese dishes.

These dishes were then passed around the bar, where they were devastated by the hungry and wild savages who had assembled themselves strategically within their path, in the hopes of piecing together a free meal.

"It was very obvious to me that these people were not intending on spending any money at all," Pepperjack remarked. "As soon as I finished a close-up of each dish, it was attacked by a local. If anything, this only proves that the Fat Cat's macaroni and cheese is about as addictive as OxyContin. I don't know what it is about this city, but when these people find something they like, they can't get enough of it."

Mookie Pepperjack, taking a quick three-hour break in between filming shoots.

After displaying the numerous varieties of macaroni and cheeses, the Food Network's own Aaron "Big Daddy" McCargo, Jr. came by, ready and willing to fill his face with some of the spiciest dishes the Fat Cat has to offer.

With the bold, starched attire of a New York attorney, and the smooth, rhythmic vocal delivery of Xzibit, Big Daddy McCargo made introductions with Fat Cat owner Kyle Nealy, drilling him with countless questions about the origin of his establishment.

"Holy fucking shit!" a customer screamed, as she felt several layers of her face deteriorate under the powerful impact of bartender Kara Siley's freshly mixed Bloody Mary. "That is one hot motherfucking drink, right there!"

While McCargo offered no words of agreement, the profuse sweating and constant wiping of his brow were all the crowd needed as confirmation.

Big Daddy McCargo, spilling white wine all over the fucking place.

While most of the prominent Fat Cat bartenders and wait staff could be seen within the crowd of spectators, others were unable to attend.

Former action star, Wayne Victor Donaldson, the feline in which the establishment is named after, was rumored to be vacationing in a rehabilitation facility somewhere in the west side of town. As reported by tabloids, the former star of such movies as Paws of Fury and Deadly Whiskers IV: Back in Action had taken to a life of constant cocaine use, causing him to balloon astronomically to the size of an overstuffed suitcase. Fat Cat owner Kyle Nealy eventually took in the cat, naming his restaurant after him and taking care of him during those dark days of withdrawal.

Wayne Victor Donaldson, years before losing his physique to a series of bad decisions.

The Food Network will be airing their Fat Cat special sometime in the near future. It is best advised to keep this channel on at all times, until the special is aired, as we seriously have no fucking idea when this will all go down.


Tacky said...

I was there on Saturday when they were filming. The fire alarm kept going off. Kyle Nealy was not amused.

Anonymous said...

Great. I can't get into the fucking place as it is; once this airs I'll be stuck waiting outside for an hour with all the other dickless wonders.