Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Massive amounts of smoke and mirrors used in alleged Olindy's marketing scams

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Olindy’s Bowling was shut down indefinitely today, following a three-month-long investigation into their business practices.

Officials from the city’s Nightlife & Entertainment Task Force (NETF) raided the location and placed head honcho, Big Bob Olindy, under arrest.

According to professional eavesdropper, Tips Sweeney, the bowling alley allegedly used various scams, cons, and grifts to lure customers to their location.

Most recently, Olindy's was accused of intergalactic fraud, claiming to offer "Galaxy Bowling" to customers, which, as described, is a "complex series of lights, lasers, and images, weaved into an even more complex array of overbearing sensations."

"Galaxy Bowling is a scam that we in the science world have been following for a long, long time," claimed Matty Hammers, a high-ranking Allston scientist. "For years, we have worked hard to disprove the theory that it actually has something to do with galaxies, although legal loopholes and red tape have prevented us from making any major breakthroughs, as politicians seem to have their hands in this deeper than you can even imagine. Through a shitload of testing and research, we have determined it to be nothing more than just regular bowling with the addition of neon lights. But that was as far as we could go. Until now, that is. If you ask me, Olindy's Galaxy Bowling scam was worse than that Ladies Night shit they tried pulling a few years ago. But, in the end, that had very little to do with science."

The infamous "Ladies Night Scam," which cost Olindy's billions of dollars in settlements.

Another scam of recent past took place three months ago, when Hollywood sexbomb, Laurence Fishburne, went on public record against the bowling alley after being told that Olindy's was "a wicked fun place for blacks."

This, of course, could not be further from the truth, causing Fishburne to fly into one of his famous rampages, which inevitably ended with one of his more epic speeches about peace, love, and equality.

Laurence Fishburne at Olindy's, obviously not having that great of a time.

"This is some racist bullshit," exclaimed Fishburne, as he brought his fist down on a countertop with the force of a thousand dragons. "That's exactly what this is. I'm sick and tired of people treating black people differently, just because of the color of our skin. Just because we look different, and derive from completely different areas of the globe, and have entirely different opinions on everything, and a totally opposing view of classic music, doesn't make us any different than the white man who owns a bowling alley. You can't lure us in here with the promise of a good time, just to take our money and leave us sitting around with our giant fucking dicks in our hands. Just because we wear different clothes, and talk slightly different, and have a totally different tolerance to temperatures that may, or may not, make us sweat, doesn't mean that we are unlike you. It is time for us to rise against the tyranny of this bowling alley. It is time for us to strike. It is time for equal treatment."

While charges against the establishment are being brought forth, valued customers of Olindy’s are being urged by management to donate their time and money to the defense of the business.

“Mr. Fishburne is wrong. Dead wrong. Olindy’s is a great place for all people,” responded Kip Charbroil, a 30-year-old veteran of the South Shore Competitive Bowling League and an amateur falcon trainer.

Charbroil was later seen accepting a briefcase full of single dollar bills for his comments from a man wearing an Olindy’s Bowling Team shirt. He was much later found dead in a ditch with a single gunshot wound to the throat. A man wearing an even more elaborate Olindy’s Bowling Team tuxedo was seen fleeing the area. That man was later found dead from what appeared to be a self-inflicted sniper rifle shot to the back of the head, which caused his car to spiral wildly for approximately three minutes, eventually flying off the Neponset Bridge into the river below.

Both deaths have been ruled “accidental” by a Dr. Mysterio, a coroner who happened to be on the scene of the car crash, as he was shooting geese with his gold plated rifle.

While Mysterio is not employed by the city in any way, his outstanding bowling record at Olindy’s and his 95% ownership of the business are all the credentials the city needs to accept his conclusion.

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