Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Mayor Koch vows to start buying pizza from local businesses throughout second term

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of The Patriot Ledger

Mayor Thomas Koch was put in the spotlight yesterday evening at North Quincy High School, as he was asked by high ranking officials of the Quincy-based Tomato and Cheese Union to begin purchasing pizzas from local businesses, as opposed to repeatedly ordering from Papa Gino's, the restaurant chain based in Dedham.

Head of the Tomato and Cheese Union, Michael Thincrust, organized the event, where Mayor Koch swore under oath that he would no longer purchase from the non-union pizza delivery chain.

Since Mayor Koch's election in November of 2007, Papa Gino's has seen massive growth, opening up five new locations throughout New England, and reporting record gains in all eight quarters.

Mayor Koch, as well, reported massive growth and record gains, putting on no less than seventy-five pounds over his first term alone.

Excusing himself immediately after his sworn testimony, Mayor Koch then rushed to the bathroom, as the impending doom of explosive diarrhea began to wreak havoc on his already beaten down intestines.

Eyewitnesses in the bathroom all confirmed that the shriveled, pockmarked ass cheeks they bore witness to were as repulsive as Kim Cattrall, the aging, washed-up, Crypt Keeper-like whore from HBO's Sex and the City.

Mayor Koch, asking to be excused before explosive diarrhea farts nearly ended his career.

After a most unsavory trip to the men's room, Mayor Koch returned, hungry for Papa Gino's delicious blend of bread, meat, sauce, cheeses, and Italian spices.

"I stand before you a new man," the mayor spoke. "To rule a city is one thing, but to sacrifice everything you love for that city is another thing entirely. And that is what I have sworn to you today. I shall no longer fund the chain of Papa Gino's, who cares not of the well-being of Quincy. From this day forth, I shall only use local businesses, such as Tony's, Super Chef, Napoli's, Buccini's Mister Sub, Nick's, and the other Nick's that opened up a couple years ago on Route 3A, who apparently did not care that there was already a Nick's Pizza in Quincy. I would like to apologize to the Tomato and Cheese Union, and, more importantly, I would like to invite you all up to the stage in a moment, where we shall enjoy fresh, hot slices of Papa Gino's meatlover's pizza. It is a personal favorite of mine. And there's no way I can quit."

There is still no word on whether, or not, the mayor was serious about his last comment, as a maroon velvet curtain drew down before him immediately after his speech, blocking him from the view of all those in attendance.

Those in the audience who dared to attempt entry to the backroom of the stage found all doors to be locked, but all stated that the sounds of perpetual chewing were quite noticeable, even through the thick layers of polished oak.

All North Quincy High School students have been instructed to stay clear of the men's room closest to the auditorium. Repairs to this bathroom will be made courtesy of Chenette Plumbing and Heating, the Quincy Point plumbing powerhouse, who have provided quality service to this city since 1973.

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