Thursday, January 7, 2010

Winter paves way for vicious beatings and "white washings" of those less fortunate

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Snowy conditions have paved way for the vicious winter beatings and "white washings" of all those less fortunate, as little Bobby Humpherton, of Hobomack Road, learned yesterday evening.

Humpherton, an unfortunately dressed young man, who was merely looking to fit in with the "in crowd" and partake in low-risk winter games, found himself pushed to the ground almost immediately after arriving at a local hangout spot in the small, wooded area behind the notoriously mediocre Grumpy White's.

Dressed head-to-toe in Winnie the Pooh winter gear, Humpherton found himself face-down in the snow, yet again, where neighborhood bullies pummeled him within an inch of his life, stopping only briefly to fill his snowsuit with icy cold snowballs and dousing him with countless bottles of Clubman® brand after shave lotion.

"Another winter, another beating," said Humpherton, as he picked the bits of gravel out of his forehead and unwillingly basked in the fresh-out-of-the-barbershop aroma. "I'm only eleven-years-old, it's not like I can afford to buy my own clothes. My mother buys me this stuff, and then, every winter, I get my ass handed to me. I dunno, maybe I should tell her to start letting me pick out my clothes. Not that she'd even let me. She can be a bit of a control freak at times. What a fucking cunt."


Anonymous said...

I mentally picture Bobby McSparechange.
What ever happened to that kid?

Beak Wilder said...

I'm not sure, but his sister can be found here: