Thursday, May 28, 2009

Quincy-originally-being-part-of-Braintree revealed to be nothing more than Wikipedia rumor


Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In an exciting, new revelation, a twelve person panel of high ranking city officials have discovered that Quincy was, in fact, never considered part of Braintree, as was previously thought by many historians. The investigatory panel, which was handpicked by the mayor last Tuesday as part of the city's new "Fuck Braintree" campaign, uncovered this truth late last night, just after they scientifically proved that, on average, any one given Quincy kid could take two Braintree kids in a fight, even if both arms were tied behind his back.

"We did a crazy amount of research, and we literally couldn't find a single piece of evidence showing that Quincy was originally a part of Braintree," commented former assistant to the mayor's assistant, Joe Schlopp. "Other than what Wikipedia says, it's all just a bunch of hearsay. People like to talk. They like to run their mouths and stir the pot, especially if they're from one of our less fortunate bordering towns. This is obviously a rumor started by Braintree, most likely out of jealousy for how many train stations we have. We have four, and Braintree only has one. And don't even get me started on bus routes---we have millions of them. It was a pretty extensive study we did, and I'm confident in the fact that we have nothing to do with Braintree whatsoever. We didn't exactly reference any actual books, or anything like that, but we asked around on message boards, talked in chat rooms, checked out some of the leading websites, busted out a little Twitter action, and stuff like that. See, the mayor got everybody these new iPhones, and, to be honest, we couldn't really take our hands off them, so we were pretty much all set with going to the library. Did you know that you can point an iPhone up to the sky while a song is playing and it will tell you what song it is? It can figure out any song in the world. Well, it couldn't figure out my own band's song, now that I think about it, but that was probably just a glitch, because my band is actually starting to get really well known around here. We're playing tonight at Firefly's with Ernie & The Automatics, if anyone's interested."

Some Quincy residents took the recent news as a chance to further slander the notoriously boring town. "I don't even consider Braintree an actual place," said Spanky, a former Iron Chef winner from Quincy Point. "What do they even have aside from the mall and Chili's? Nothing---that's what they have---nothing but a bunch of pussies and some disgusting, cheap motel next to a rundown Bickford's."

Braintree residents, however, had no hesitation forming their rebuttal. "This only further proves the ignorance that Quincy is known for," remarked Dick Strong, head historian for Braintree's Water and Sewage Department. "If you look at Braintree's sewer system, it's set to run directly into the heart of Wollaston Beach. Would our town ever have been able to pull that off if we weren't, at one point, their leader? Quincy kid's are gonna have to come to the realization that they were once Braintree. There's just no way around it. The facts are the facts."

5 comments:

dink said...

watch your back quincy.

Anonymous said...

just so you know Bickfords is now an Italian Restaraunt-check out your facts--

Beak Wilder said...

If you're going to keep posting anonymously, can you at least utilize the proper usage of capitalization, apostrophes, dashes, and periods?

If so, I'll do my best to get more familiar with Braintree.

Until then, act accordingly.

Jen said...

Holbrook and Randolph were also part of the Braintree thing.

Beak Wilder said...

It sounds like Braintree was, at one time, the Roman Empire of the South Shore.

Not so much anymore though...