Friday, May 15, 2009

Homeless residents at Father Bill's Place make vague threats of revolution, demand higher quality ingredients in their bagel pizzas

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Homeless residents staying at Father Bill's Place in Quincy have made it known that they have full intentions of starting an all-out revolution against the city unless they are provided with better ingredients for their bagel pizzas.

Father Bill's Place, which is privately funded, was founded by Father William McCarthy in 1982. Since then, Father Bill's Place has provided multiple services for rehabilitating drug abusers, mentally disabled men and women, down-and-out VCR repairmen, those who like to take it easy, and people who just basically feel like they are exempt from actually working for a living.

"We've been seeing a tougher crowd here lately," said Doris Fundenbacher, an employee at the Father Bill's Place in Quincy for over twenty years. "Every once in a while some group of up-and-coming homeless guys will team up and start making ludicrous demands. It seriously never ends. First it was the foaming hand soap demands, then they wanted the Viva paper towels, then there was the whole Z. Cavaricci fiasco, and now it's better ingredients for their bagel pizzas."

Bagel pizzas, as most people already know, have a long standing reputation as a favorite meal of the homeless. The meal is even widely credited with having been discovered by them in 1985 after a vagrant train-hopper named Lawrence Pewk III rummaged threw the garbage of the now defunct Wollaston Candy Factory for a meal. Having found what looked like the remnants of one worker’s lunch resting comfortably on the remains of another, presumably unrelated, coworker’s breakfast, Pewk knew that history, as well as his dinner, had been made. This story was not entirely lost on the residents of Father Bill’s, although many employment opportunities were. Taking into account the history of bagel pizzas amongst the homeless, some have stated that these recent demands are arguably understandable.

"There's nothing wrong with what these people are asking for," said John Schnatter, founder of Papa John's Pizza. "Better ingredients, better pizza. At least that's what I always say. I just wish they'd buy the pizza from me."

Paul McGranite, author of Homeless People Ruin Everything, had a different take on these demands. "I'm no doctor," he explained. "But these guys are certifiably fucked in the head. What kind of people demand better quality ingredients in their already free pizza? Not only are these people demanding better quality food, they're also adjusting for inflation when it comes to their begging tactics. Begging for spare change has become asking for a couple dollars, asking for a cigarette has turned into asking for an entire pack---what's next, are they gonna ask if they can throw your girlfriend on the ground and then have sex with her face?"

At this point, nobody knows if these demands will be answered with compliance, or whether they will just be tossed aside into the pile of unanswered ultimatums the homeless have made over the years. Until then, Father Bill's Place has promised to keep serving bagel pizzas, no matter what the ingredients.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If you live at Bill's and you re not a Drug abuser or a cat III sex freak you are treated worse than by the general public