Friday, May 8, 2009

Controversy brews over another possible election miscount due to dimpled fucking chads

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Another voting fiasco is in the midst as a Quincy elementary school prepares for what may be a long night of recounting votes for its latest election. The most recent elections, which were held yesterday morning, would decide next year's class president, and have been plagued with controversy since the very beginning.

"It's because of these stupid dimpled chad things," claimed Scotty Funkman, 9, of Adams Shore. "Nobody can tell who voted for who, it's not fair." Scotty Funkman, who spent the entire year basing his campaign on the completely unfulfilled promise of "no homework forever," was thought by many to win by a landslide victory. After three counts, however, it appears that the dimpled chad voting system may not be without flaws. "There's no way Billy Phillipson could ever beat me," he added. "Nobody even likes that kid. That kid is such a giant stupid face."

This is just another strike against the dimpled chad voting system, which is remembered mostly for it's involvement in the controversial 2000 U.S. Presidential election. Although the two elementary students did not seem to recall the prior faults of the chads, they did express sympathy with former Vice President Al Gore regarding his hard-fought campaign ending in disappointment.

“My mom stayed up all night baking cookies so I could get some votes,” declared Billy Phillipson, 9, of Germantown. “I didn’t even get to bed until almost midnight, mostly because I was stuck on the last level of Halo, but also because I was really excited to become ruler. I thought I’d wake up and this crap would be over with. This country is a joke.” The opposition agreed, with a visibly upset Funkman stating he would “sue the living shit out of whatever company makes those chad things.”

The elementary school election, a yearly tradition in both Quincy and normal cities, is facing it's toughest year in recent memory. As a high unemployment rate and rising taxes become a shocking reality for most, parents who would normally remain uninterested in their children’s activities are starting to take a more active involvement.

Joel Funkman, 31, of Adams Shore, vented his frustrations regarding his son's campaign to the Scallion. “This is utter bullshit. I mean, I thought I was pissed about the 2000 election when these stupid things didn’t work, but now this? This hits way too close to home for me. Normally, I wouldn’t give two shits about what Scotty was up to, but ever since I was layed off from Home Depot, I’ve just been milling around the house. So when he came home and told me that he might not be class president next year because of these chads, I hit the roof. There's no way in hell my son is gonna lose to Mike Phillipson's kid. No way, not that piece of Germantown trash.”

Though both sides of this argument have not yet reached an agreement, the school, which asked to remain anonymous throughout this article, has asked that a peaceful sit-down discussion take place later on this afternoon, with the ideal outcome being both sides agreeing to a "do over".

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