Monday, May 25, 2009

Beloved breakfast place closes to dismay of Quincy residents, resulting in awkward renaming


Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

Overwhelming panic has filled the streets of Quincy as a mysterious sign replacement was revealed to have occurred while nobody was looking at the restaurant once known as the Egg and I. The sign change, which states the new name of the restaurant as Lori Anne's, caused a citywide freakout almost immediately after being noticed by nearby Wolly Mount kids, resulting in an all-night riot, leaving many critically injured and at least one dead.

"We have quite a situation on our hands," said Officer Nico Haylen, a diabetic cop known for his constant handgun misuse. "So far, these riots have resulted in thirteen people getting blasted in the face, eight people who have been hit with a brick, one unfortunate dude who was drowned in a pool of his own urine, and at least two back alley brawls that make the twelve-minute fight scene in They Live look like an ordinary scuffle. Anybody who tries to pull this shit while I'm here is getting a needle full of insulin right in the fucking temple."

Some of those who survived the riots claimed to have an odd sense of empathy with those who lost control. "I'm not saying it's right," claimed Jeff Archaic, an aspiring dancer from North Quincy. "I sort of understand though. That place has been the Egg and I for as long as I can remember. They should have just kept the name the same and everything would have gone so much smoother. All they did was literally change the letters on the already existing sign. It's like they were trying to pull one over on us. I don't even know how to feel about this, it's all a bit confusing to me. This entire city is spiraling out of control."

Authorities are still on the lookout for multiple key players in the riots, especially in one case where a man apparently got so confused by the recent change of ownership that he actually grabbed a baby out of a passing lady's stroller and spiked it on the ground like a football. "That was so brutal," commented Neal James, a known troublemaker from Wollaston. "He spiked that baby so hard that you could actually hear it hit the ground. It sounded like a trash bag full of wet Koosh balls hitting the pavement. It was the most out-of-place sound I have ever heard come out of a baby's body, and I once saw a baby puke and shit herself at the same time."

No word yet on if the baby has made public his intentions of a counter attack, although it is assumed that this matter is not finished. Until further information is available, the city has advised it's residents to remain indoors until the majority of people in this city have come to terms with the fact that the Egg and I is gone.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

quincy sucks

Beak Wilder said...

Nuh uhh!

Anonymous said...

yea - it's not Quincy-it's people and ideals not lived up to.

Beak Wilder said...

Your accusation is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Go tell the old timers who spend their entire lives slugging shots of Wild Turkey at Tully's Cafe, or the countless kids who have overdosed and died from OxyContin that they didn't live up to the ideals of Quincy.

Everything seems in order to me.

Anonymous said...

that's sad

Beak Wilder said...

So is continuously posting anonymous opinions but it still happens.

Jeff said...

Dude, I noticed that the other day and was utterly disgusted.

BaloneyNo.8 said...

I love Quincy. This Anonymous character is most likely from the North Shore.