Friday, May 1, 2009

Slapshot frontman admits to running out of things to get mad about, entire world on edge of seats

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the Worldwide Web

Slapshot frontman, Jack "Choke" Kelly, has reported recently that he is finally running out of things to get mad at, causing a sense of minor nervousness to flow through the Boston hardcore scene. "I just hope their new album's good," stated one fan. "I keep hearing conflicting stories about it, and I just hope it comes out okay."

Slapshot formed in 1985, out of the ashes of early Boston hardcore acts, Negative FX, Last Rights, and DYS. From the very beginning, they were known for speaking out against the people and lifestyles they were against, which, after a certain point, seemed to be just about anything. Early Slapshot classics include "Hang Up Your Boots", "Firewalker", and "Punk's Dead, You're Next", all released on the then-local Taang! Records. Fast forward to 1995, after a couple of failed releases on the We Bite label, Slapshot returned to the music scene with two more editions to the Taang! catalogue, featuring songs more reminiscent of their spiteful past, such as "Lip Service", "L.O.S.E.R.", and "I Want You Dead". It seemed there was no cure for Choke's rage, and that none were exempt from its destructive power.

Since then, Slapshot has continuously released more and more of these songs, each of them more hateful and offensive than the last. And sometimes far more specific in their direction. Songs like "Fuck New York", "Rap Sucks", "Shoot Charlton Helston", "Stupid Fucking Kids", and "Crossover Sucks" showed fans that Choke was definitely making an effort to pinpoint the cause of his anger. But rumors of albums that never made it to light, as well as a public expression of running out of ideas, has dredged up worry in the minds of local hardcore fans.

"Yeah, we've actually scrapped two whole LPs in the last year that didn't quite measure up to Slapshot’s aggressive legacy," remarked former (and current) band member Mark McKay. "There was an ill-advised concept album about this time that Choke found a piece of plastic in his burger at the 99 in Quincy, and a whole slew of songs ranting about some guy in a Toyota Camry with New York plates that cut him off on 93 South. I mean, the music was pretty hard, but how many songs can you have about some dude on the highway? Well, we had nine songs about it, actually. Truth be told, it was just getting repetitive. Choke was coming to practice with a notebook filled with song titles like “Step On It 2” and “Yet Another Mistake".

With a new Slapshot album reportedly in the works, many fans are wondering what the outcome will be. Rumored song titles, such as "The Food Network Sucks", "Get Off the Air (Infomercials Ruin TV)", "Clean Up After Your Dog", "Jurassic Park's Special FX Don't Hold Up", and "I Have Mixed Feelings About M*A*S*H" have many people worried that Choke may have finally, once and for all, lost his mind completely.

"I've had enough of Quincy blogs that rip off the Onion," said Choke, who declined to comment any further on the grounds of hating every question that followed.

As to the state of Choke's mind, or whether the new Slapshot album will conjure up memories from the days of old, mysteries are just another part of life. We can only sit back and hope for the best. Until then, Slapshot offers an extensive catalogue, which can, for the most part, be purchased at fairly reasonable prices at almost any record store that caters to creepy little hardcore kids.


Jeff said...


Anonymous said...

jurassic park's special effects totally hold up. if you want to see special effects that don't watch lord of the rings

Beak Wilder said...

Choke already apologized to DMS. Whatever he said about Jurassic Park doesn't matter anymore.