Friday, May 15, 2009

Local police officer brought up on multiple charges after accidentally murdering over thirty surprise party attendees

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Officer Nico Haylen, last in the news after a botched attempt to remove a cat stuck in a tree on Hancock Street ended with three dead, will yet again face charges of extreme negligence and public endangerment. Charges of murder, however, were dropped before the case even began, making this case the first to comply with the mayor's controversial new "Cops Can Never Be Charged With Murder" policy.

It all started at approximately 6:00PM last night, when Officer Nico Haylen arrived at his home after a day of civil service. It was just after getting home when Haylen allegedly filled his living room with armor-piercing bullets, killing thirty-two of his friends and family members, all of which were gathered together for a surprise party celebrating his 30th birthday.

"This is nothing less than a witch hunt," claimed Sol Shrewdman, Haylen's on-call attorney. "These people are looking to crucify an innocent man. Where I come from, you don't just jump out of the shadows and yell 'surprise' to somebody who has a loaded gun in his hand. That's a recipe for disaster. My client had absolutely no intentions of harming anyone, he was merely trying to protect his friends and family. The fact that the victims ended up actually being his friends and family is the real tragedy here. The media, yet again, has spun its web, and this time they're looking to make my client appear like a man who has no business upholding the law. They'll tell you all about how three people ended up dead when he was attempting to save a cat. You know what I think of when I hear that story? I think about a man who went above and beyond to try to save a cat, out of the kindness of his heart, and his undying desire to keep Quincy safe. See what I'm saying? It's all in how you spin it. The media can make the best things sound so bad."

"I disagree," claimed Johnny Yahbro, a local youth known for loitering in 7-Eleven parking lots. "This guy is a mad man. This isn't the first time he's pulled something like this either. Isn't this the same guy who was firing rounds off on the beach earlier this week? Every single time I hear this dude's name, somebody takes one in the face."

In addition to the accidental slaying of three on Hancock Street and the allegations of firing his weapon on a public beach, Haylen is currently being sued by Comcast Cable Company for the wrongful deaths of five of their employees. Representatives of Comcast have alleged that Haylen would schedule an appointment to have their trademark On Demand service installed, but then forget about scheduling it, causing him to panic when the cable installer showed up, thinking it was an intruder. Using his standard issue Desert Eagle .50 caliber gun, Haylen would fire twenty-to-thirty “warning shots" aimed directly at his front door. "These would obviously annihilate the door and kill the cable guy every time," explained Craig Lupredo, a representative of the well known cable provider. "Apparently, this particular officer is still ignorant on the concept of warning shots being fired away from the target."

Nico Haylen, if convicted, will face a two-week, unpaid suspension.

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