Monday, May 4, 2009

First recorded use of the phrase "I'll blast ya" found in basement of G-Town housing complex

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Archaeologists and linguistic experts from the Norfolk County area made a startling discovery yesterday in the Germantown section of Quincy, Mass. After four years of research, which was funded by the city’s controversial Parks, Recreation, and Treasure Hunting Department, a team of twenty-two experts have inadvertently uncovered what they believe to be the first documented use of the popular phrase, “I’ll blast ya", in the basement of a Section 8 housing complex.

“It was actually very much by accident that we made this stunning discovery,” stated famed language enthusiast, Dr. Mervin Hooper. “The mayor’s office had us tracking down documents in the area that might be related to an anonymous call regarding the Holy Grail. The call was placed early last Saturday morning by someone with a vague Scottish accent, and the number was traced to somewhere in Venice, Italy, or possibly even the Wollaston train station, which, for some reason, apparently have very similar phone codes.”

The phrase was found scrawled on a town hall letter from 1891 regarding the growing number of unruly citizens, all complaining about the bordering town of Milton. The phrase is most commonly used today as a drunken threat towards both friend and foe, often with the subject of said threat being referred to as “kid”.

Although there have been reports of recent prank phone calls to the mayor’s office regarding similar subjects, authorities are taking every tip in this matter quite seriously. Officer Sean O’Brando remains optimistic. “We’re doing all we can,” he stated. “I know that the recent re-release of Indiana Jones & The Last Crusade on Blu-Ray DVD has many people in this great city excited, myself included. It has always been considered a classic around here, but that doesn’t mean people should call into the police station, or Mayor Koch’s office, with fake tips on the whereabouts of the Holy Grail. Let’s keep our heads on our shoulders and, with all of us working together, we can find this damned thing once and for all.” The grizzled ten-year veteran, permanently on “rookie status” after various life threatening mistakes on his part, also added that he was thrilled about this recent discovery. “While it may not be as exciting as the Holy Grail to some people, it does finally put to rest the debate of where this phrase originally came from.”

Scholars, who have long argued on the origins of the phrase, were more skeptical than others. Most agreed that Quincy residents were scummy enough to coin the threat, but others pointed to its use in low-brow sections of Greater Boston, like Dorchester and Southie. Neighborhoods as far reaching as Hyde Park and Charlestown were once in consideration, as well, but more modern advances in sociology have since disproved these theories.

Celebratory plans by the city will possibly include a promotional tie-in with homegrown mega-corporation, Dunkin’ Donuts, where upon showing a valid form of identification, proving that you currently reside in Quincy, followed by uttering the famous phrase out loud, customers will get a free “blast” of whipped cream on their iced coffee. It has also been recommended that an annual memorial day be officially enacted whereupon residents of Quincy will be allowed one day in which “blasting” another person in the face will have absolutely no legal ramifications.

Jeff Brophy was unavailable for comment on this matter.


Jeff said...

Skata John is gunna be pissed that this information finally surfaced.

Beak Wilder said...

Skater John is gonna have to deal with the facts: Quincy invented everything hilarious.