Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Mayor in hot water over Olympic antics

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Myor Koch, returning from a two week trip to Copenhagen, Denmark, is facing intense questioning over the nature of his visit to the non-South Shore based country.

The Mayor left with a hand-picked team of advisers, a suitcase full of Clubman® brand aftershave, and $23 million in loose cash.

The money was allegedly pilfered from his own campaign fund and had been donated by various members of the voting community, stric
tly to finance his upcoming re-election bid.

Initially convincing the city that he would secure the 2016 Olympic games by "wowing" the International Olympic Committee (IOC) with the latest jokes from the parking lot of the Quincy Center train station, Koch boarded an 18th century Russian whaling ship, The Demeter, from Quincy's Fore River Shipyard and set sail in the general vacinity of Europe.

With no one in the mayor's seat for the past two weeks, crime dropped by a remarkable 300%,
and at least four lost dogs were returned to their rightful owners, mostly unharmed. Pizza sales, however, plunged dramatically, resulting in the forclosure of one local pie pad.

Alf Nelson's Pizza Bucket, located behind the more prosperous Domino's Pizza in North Quincy, folded after a record thirteen minutes of public service. Although the death of founder and sole worker, Alf Nelson, is believed to be a major factor in the closing of the restaurant, others blame the lack of Mayor Koch's insatiable, Lovecraftian hunger for pizza.

Upon his return Monday evening, Koch was bombarded with questions as to what exactly he was up to abroad. Suspicions arose when it was revealed that Rio de Janeiro had won the rights to host the 2016 Olympic Games last week. Responding to allegations that he merely jaunted off on a foreign vacation amidst an upcoming election where he is facing stiff competion from bitter rival, William J. Phelan, Kock became angry.

"I went all the way over to Denmark---fucking Denmark---for you people to get the Olympics over to Quincy. This is the shit I put up with when I get home? I told you, I just took the money with me so no one would spend it while I was gone. I needed two weeks because of the time zone differential, and I am not wearing solid diamond sunglasses, these are just the---uhhh---3D glasses I got on the plane ride back. They were playing The Final Destination."

Questions as to why it took two weeks, including a full week after the IOC had decided on Brazil, were brushed aside by the mayor as easily as a drunk Quincy kid brushes aside the responsibility of paying for cab rides from Boston.

Reading further into things, the more culturally awake residents of the city noticed that Quincy had never been submitted at all before the IOC.

"That slimely motherfucker," gasped Grips Touche, a 36-year-old couch potato from Merrymount. "I knew something was up when I saw all them Brazilians going buck wild on TV, and there was no mention of Quincy at all. Come to think of it, why the fuck would they hold the Olympic games in a city that was once called 'the cess pool of the American dream' by Carl Sagan? Nah, something about this whole thing just didn't add up at all. If I wasn't under house arrest right now, I'd go down to City Hall and blast some people. Straight up blast them!"

Grips Touche, finishing his breakfast in the bathtub in an enraged drunken state.

Jordashe LaSwamps, a self employed woodchucker from Elm Street, was also alarmed at the mayor's cheekiness.

"That dude borrowed six bucks from me the other day! He was behind me in line at D'Angelo's and suddenly decided he wanted the new toasted chicken, bacon and lettuce sandwich instead of a steak and cheese. If I knew the son of a bitch had over twenty million bucks in his fucking pocket, I never would have given him anything. He even asked me for a ride to the docks, but since I have multiple trespassing warrants for that area---which I won't get into right now---I had to turn him down. Fuck that shit."

Jordashe LaSwamps, just minutes before being asked to leave D'angelo's for the third time.

Joe Schlopp, former assistant to the mayor's assistant, and perenial punching bag for Quincy reporters, was adamant that the mayor's trip was on the level.

"We tried. We really did. No, we didn't get the Olympics. But at least now the world knows about Quincy's vast high school drinking spots. We had an extremely detailed map showing every cool underage drinking spot in the city. Ugan Ver Dassle of Brussels was very impressed. We even had a slide show showing them our planned opening ceremony. You know how China had all those kids dancing in perfect formation? Well we were going to have ten thousand Quincy kids drinking Icehouse cans in absolute perfect synchronicity. And then, when the camera pans up, you would see the Olympic rings logo laid out in a dazzling display of bud light bottles. We even gave the go-ahead to bulldoze half of Faxon Park to achieve the space. We really had everything all planned out. It's too bad. It really, really is."

Looking wistfully at the useless legs of a nearby cripple, Schlopp remarked that the whole thing "would've possibly been better than world peace."


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