Monday, October 12, 2009

Popular Squantum drinking spot revealed to be White Castle hamburger franchise

Article by Beak Wilder and Spanky / Photo courtesy of "Gorgeous" George Camaro

A popular Squantum drinking spot, or "The Rock," as it is called by residents of the peninsula getaway, was revealed to actually be the location of a White Castle hamburger chain yesterday.

This shocking discovery came about when local musician and photographer, "Gorgeous" George Camaro, took a photograph of what he believed to be a shirtless President Obama, walking around in a state of confusion, screaming, "Where is everybody? I was told there would be acid!"

In this photograph, a White Castle restaurant can be seen clearly just behind the alleged President, to his right, causing many Quincy residents to become infuriated by Squantum natives for keeping such a seemingly delicious burger joint a secret for what some have claimed to be "so many years."

"That White Castle has been here for so many years," remarked Matty Screwzlik, a Squantum kid who once went to a Digable Planets show by himself. "I used to run numbers out of the bathroom in there. Every time we fixed a Sailors game, we'd cash in real big and then get White Castle cheeseburger boxes. I guess we just never told anyone because our parents never told anyone. And neither did their parents. It's kind of like one of those small-town secrets, like in Shirley Jackson's 'The Lottery,' where the whole town stones some bitch just because of some crazy ritual that supposedly guarantees them a good harvest. Well, that White Castle is our harvest, and we have to protect that. Although, I guess the cat's outta the bag now, so whatever. If you need me, I'll be burying White Castle cheeseburger boxes in my backyard. I'll be fucked if I'm gonna let those mainlanders come and take my burgers. Those mainlanders are always after our shit. I hate those people. They're weird."

Though the once-thought popular drinking spot has been revealed to be otherwise, most Squantum residents admit to have at least partied there "no less than four hundred times." Authorities have stated that they are now interested in staking out the location during the nighttime hours when it is closed, although the one cop assigned to Squantum refused, on the basis that it made him "feel uncomfortable," as he was not a fan of "going against the grain."

1 comment:

Beakeysdad said...

My friend took a tumble from the rock. Maybe he should have eaten some burgers before he drank that sc.