Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Stump! Trivia host wins prestigious "Most Annoying Dude Ever" award, shot dead by firing squad

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Stump! Trivia host, Hank Stumpwell, got more than he bargained for last night when a prestigious black tie event, in which he was to receive the celebrated "Most Annoying Dude Ever" award, turned into a chaotic display of street justice, resulting in execution by firing squad.

Stumpwell, who has been hosting the Wednesday night Stump! Trivia event at Murphy's Twin Shamrocks for the past five years, was considered by many to be a staple in the community, often being referred to as "The Voice" by all those lucky enough to be assimilated in the North Quincy bar scene.

But not all in the city were happy with Stumpwell's performance, which takes place in many bars throughout the Granite City, as recent Stump! Trivia statistics show his approval ratings dropping a to record-breaking 26% in North Quincy, 48% in West Quincy, and 53.9% in South Quincy.

Approval ratings for East Quincy were unable to be determined, as no Quincy resident had any idea where that even was.

The award ceremony, which was held in the swanky basement level function hall of Murphy's Twin Shamrocks, was interrupted just as Stumpwell was accepting his award, at which point he was dragged off into the distance by an angry, gun-wielding mob.

Early reports indicate that Stumpwell was then brought to Cavanaugh Field, where he was informally tried and convicted of crimes against humanity, being sentenced to death by unanimous vote.

The angry, gun-wielding mob, having a celebration after Stumpwell's execution.

Stumpwell was then brought to Quincy Medical Center, where doctors attempted to piece his body back together using the cheapest materials they could find, as Stump! Trivia apparently offers no health insurance package to it's employees

Stumpwell was pronounced dead at 8:32PM. He is survived by his step-brother, Trim Whitman, and his barber, Carlos "Flesh Man" Fantasia, as well as a handful of those who were somehow able to tolerate his constant, undying voice.

Hank Stumpwell, so fucking boring that even the camera can't think straight.

"I thought he was an okay guy," remarked Sal Milone, a 32-year-old employee of the World Wide Web. "Until he opened his mouth, that is. That guy had the most annoying voice I have ever heard in my entire fucking life. If I wanted to use my mind, I wouldn't be at a bar. I'd be sitting at home, watching Jeopardy!, listening to Alex Trebek. Now that's a host! Who wants to sit at Murphy's and listen to a bunch of shitty questions while everybody just looks up the answers on their iPhones? I'm not saying I'm glad he's dead, but I'm definitely glad I won't be hearing his voice anymore."

A perfect example of how flawed and ridiculous the rising bar trivia scene has become.

Milone then ordered a round of whiskey shots and proceeded to assert his signature blend of drooling and flirting on every waitress in the bar, excluding, of course, the meek, nameless new girl, whose life expectancy at the establishment is predicted to last no more than three days.


Anonymous said...

Dude SUCKS!!!

Beak Wilder said...

Yes, he most certainly does.

paul the pirate (Yar!) said...

Thank God. I was getting tired of filling out "Your mother" 50 times on each sheet of paper that he handed out, anyhow. Dude had no sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

Fuk trivia seriously, fuk it's ass to death!

Anonymous said...

You left alumni and granite rail off the list. You screwed up. You're not part of my ideal Quincy.



Beak Wilder said...

Paul the Pirate, huh?
I'm thoroughly impressed.

Lil biscuit said...

Dude. Paul the Pirate. Awesome. Yar back atcha matey!

BOCA$H said...

Fuck you, Batman.
Love, BOCA$H

Stephanie said...

he did trivia twice in houghs neck where i played. it was almost unbearable.