Thursday, October 15, 2009

Local girl deemed "too ordinary" to partake in weekly girls' night, found dead in dumpster


Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A local girl was found dead in a dumpster behind the George F. Bryan VFW post on Broad Street last night, just hours after being told she was "too ordinary" to participate in a Merrymount-area girls' night.

Barbara Crankish, 21, a retail clerk from Hough's Neck, was found just before midnight by a local homeless man who was rummaging through the trash in th
e hopes of finding a late-night snack.

Crankish, whose interests included watching reality television, listening to Jam'n 94.5, and drinking Bud Light in a can, was last seen at the home of Sally Sohott, a socially prominent waitress from Highfield Road.

It was at this house where it was determined that Crankish was far too boring to partake in the weekly girls' night, which basically consists of drinking wine, talking shit about all those not present, and watching Christian Troy sexually lambaste herds of women on FX's Nip/Tuck.

After being told she was not allowed to take part in the elitist event, it is said that Crankish "made a sad face" and began walking back in the direction of her home. Eyewitness accounts place Crankish on the corner of Sea Street and Quincy Shore Drive at approximately 9:45PM, at which point she was not seen again until her body was recovered shortly after.

Initial reports placed Crankish at approximately 3'2", although this was later determined to be due to the fact that she had been sawed in half. Crankish's body was otherwise unharmed, causing authorities to believe the cause of death was directly related to the fact that she had been severed at the waistline.

As with other murders in recent past, a Dunkin' Donuts Great One cup was found in the vicinity of the victim, this time crumpled up into a ball and lodged in her throat, leaving little question as to whether this murder is related to those still unsolved.

Officer Nico Haylen, the diabetic cop in charge of the case, was first on the scene.

"This is just another example of how fucked up the people of this city are," Haylen said, as he repeatedly sprayed Binaca in his mouth, while maintaining a constant dead stare at a passing female. "You're not supposed to saw people in half. It's not hard. You just don't do it. It's simple shit, really. As soon as I find this guy, I'm gonna rip his fucking throat out and send it to Saugus."

Haylen then paused for approximately ten minutes, as he became distracted by yet another female. This one being significantly less attractive than the last, although resulting in the exact same display of awkward eye contact, unnecessary breath refreshment, and misguided testosterone.


Nico Haylen, pondering what life would be like without diabetes.

Haylen then offered no explanation as to why no leads have been obtained in the case of the Great One Killer, although did promise on several occasions that he would "try wicked hard."

There is still no word yet on what authorities are planning for their next move, nor has any reason been given as to why Barbara Crankish was so incredibly bland.

The Quincy Police Department has asked that all suspicious individuals turn themselves in for questioning, and have promised to remain firm-but-fair through the process, offering complimentary coffee and donuts to all who attend.

Mayor Thomas Koch was unavailable for comment on this matter, as he was vacationing in Squantum's Orchard Beach, where he was enjoying a delicious meal of imported wines and cheeses with what appeared to be a retired daytime stripper.

4 comments:

Beakeysdad said...

There is a serial killer roaming around Quincy

Beak Wilder said...

That's true, Dad. There is.

TomTurkolio said...

Best conversation between father and son, right there!

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