Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Unmarked Netflix envelope causes mass violence on Old Colony Avenue, also murder

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Police were dispatched to an apartment complex on Old Colony Avenue in Wollaston Sunday morning, when an unidentifiable movie rental caused tenants of the building to resort to barbaric violence. Five people were severely injured and six others were placed under arrest following the carnage.

Occupants of the multi-family apartment building began violently confronting each other at approximately 9:30AM, after an unmarked Netflix envelope was spotted on top of the main lobby's mailbox.

Netflix, a popular online movie rental company, where users subscribe for a small fee in order to have DVDs directly shipped to their homes, refused to respond to phone calls from members of the press. As of this moment, it is believed that all copies of Val Kilmer's Mindhunters are still available.

Mindhunters: The movie where nothing is what it seems, and everything is what it should be.

Upon arriving at 136 Old Colony Avenue, Quincy Police officers Chirp Spizzukie and Steven Pants were greeted by every single person residing in the building battling each other on the front lawn.

"The first arrest was obvious," commented Pants, while he carelessly burned a bag of human hair on the hood of his cruiser. "We grabbed this guy who was fuckin' busting his wife's jaw loose with a hardcover edition of Infinite Jest. Now, that's a long book, her jaw just didn't stand a chance against that thing. Nope, even if it was the paperback edition, we'd still be hauling him in for attempted murder."

Mitch E. Obryenne, 32, was charged with assault with a deadly weapon. Obryenne was last in the news after being arrested for breaking into cars in the North Quincy MBTA parking lot using an original King James version of the Bible to smash open passenger side windows. He later fought those charges on the grounds that he was given the idea from the film, The Friends of Eddie Coyle, although this argument was later found to be flimsy, at best.

Officer Pants, twice awarded the "City of Quincy Police Bravery Award" for finishing all The Legend of Zelda games in a row, without responding to a single 911 call, made the next arrest.

"It was clear what was going on," Pants said. "They were all trying to lay claim to this mysterious Netflix delivery." Pausing briefly to unintentionally quote Madball into his walkie-talkie, Pants continued. "Each of the tenants felt they were the rightful owner. It's a great feeling getting something in the mail, especially a long-awaited movie, but what are the odds that everyone in the building had a Netflix DVD due at their apartment that day?"

"I maced the first two people I saw and then calmly got into my cruiser and headed right to Old Colony Ave.," Pants continued. "Using standard issue police handcuffs, I managed to subdue and arrest Mr. Abscondalido and place him in the back of the police car. It was pretty easy, considering he was already unconscious. Someone shattered a full bottle of Dan Aykroyd's Crystal Head Vodka in his face."

Dan Aykroyd, raising his third consecutive crystal skull full of pure vodka.

Mazhir Abscondalido was charged with 4th degree bullshit, being ridiculous, and destruction of a vodka bottle without consuming it's contents first. He was arrested and taken to the Hancock Animal Hospital for stitches.

Next to be placed under police custody was Brendan "Stremi" Strem, 25. Mr. Strem is believed to be responsible for the rash of false trivia information found under 1-out-of-10 Snapple bottle caps. He was charged with gratuitously launching Lay-Z-Boy recliners off of his third-story porch onto the battle royale below.

Val Vickson, 31, Henry Hill, 50, and Murph Swiggens, 44, were all charged with beating elderly Wollaston resident, Alf Nelson, 98, to death, using a giant sack filled to the brim with alligator meat.

Using megaphones and promises of free pizza, officers eventually managed to calm the fighting down. Seizing the Netflix delivery and taking more than twenty seconds to investigate it, the envelope was, in fact, discovered to be only a Netflix junk mail advertisement postcard. Clevely designed to look like an actual DVD envelope, it caused much mischief amongst the dwellers of the apartment complex. When it was later revealed that none of the occupants had ever actually signed up for Netflix, Officer Nico Haylen was then ordered to execute them all by way of firing squad behind the Dunkin' Donuts on East Squantum Street. A law that was just passed last month, as part of Mayor Koch's all-new "Sucker Free Quincy" act.

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