Local girl turns to sex and drugs to meet boys

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Samantha Rogen lacks the normal level of confidence you would expect from a healthy teenage girl. In fact, she doesn't have any confidence whatsoever. And if it wasn't for the feeling of being completely inadequate, she wouldn't have any feelings at all. She'd be nothing but a hollow, rotting shell.

At night, Samantha sits in a dark corner of her bedroom and listens to music, often times playing bands like Joy Division, The Cure, Bauhaus, and Swans.

Growing up, Samantha had always had a difficult time meeting boys.

It wasn't until earlier this year, when Samantha turned to a world of promiscuous sex and reckless drug abuse, that she really began to open up and meet new people, most of whom just blew loads inside her and never called her again.

"Samantha is totally fucked," said Adam House, a friend and fellow drug user from South Quincy. "She'd do pretty much anything to fit in with us."

But after several in-school suspensions and three arrests for public drunkenness, Samantha shows no absolutely signs of slowing down, even going as far as to threaten moving out of her parents house to pursue an acting career in Hollywood.

"She thinks she's gonna be a movie star," her stepfather explained. "She truly believes it. I don't know how many times I've told her what an insane pipe dream that is, but she doesn't listen. Not to me, not to anyone. If she wants to go to Hollywood, let her. That town will chew her up and spit her out the ass end of the amateur porn business in no time. Maybe that's just what she needs."

It was later revealed that Samantha's stepfather has one of the most massive porn collections this city has ever seen, an addiction that has crippled him for years.

Brad Renfro arrested in LA for impersonating Adams National Historical Park employee

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Hollywood enigma Brad Renfro was arrested outside a Coffee Break Café in Los Angeles this morning for impersonating an Adams National Historical Park employee.

The actor, best known for his roles in childhood favorites, Tom and Huck and Bully, has long since had a career tainted by substance abuse and run-ins with the law.

Staggering through an alleyway behind the well-known coffee shop, Renfro was first spotted by Coffee Break Café security guard, Alf Nelson, who described the uncomfortable scene, as the former child star desperately attempted to sell a handful of Abigail Adams postcards to anyone who would listen.

Mr. Nelson was unavailable for comment on this matter, as he was found only minutes later in a utility closet, hanging from the ceiling by his small intestine.

After several failed sales pitches and three disturbance calls, authorities arrived on the scene to find a confused and helplessly inebriated Renfro, dressed head-to-toe in Adams National Historical Park uniform attire. Renfro was then subdued and held face-down for approximately nine minutes, while tabloid photographers were able to obtain low-demand photos of the arrest, keeping them aside for a rainy day.

There is no word yet on unsubstantiated rumors that Brad Renfro actually died almost two years ago to the day, although experts believe that, even if he had, news of his departure would have been so overshadowed by the death of Heath Ledger, that it almost would have made it so that it never even happened.