Assault charges against two Squantum kids dismissed, street justice yet again prevails

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Milton man invoked his Fifth Amendment right yesterday at the Hingham District Court, refusing to testify against two alleged assailants for attacking him with a golf club almost one year ago today.

This decision led to the immediate dismissal of cases involving Michael Pacreno, 28, and Walsh Johnson, 26, both of Squantum.

Pacreno and Johnson had been scheduled to go to trial for the beating of Anthony Gaul, 39, of Milton. The incident occurred on January 25th, 2009, outside a bar in Rock Vegas, where Gaul works as a daytime table dancer.

As reported by CNN and Fox News, the attack was said to be in retaliation for Gaul breaking the jaw of Johnson's sister a day earlier.

Hingham District Court Judge Ricky Rambunctious dismissed charges against the two Squantum youths without prejudice, however, prosecutors could re-file charges against them if new evidence should resurface.

This, of course, is not expected to happen, as no one gives a flying fuck about some Milton dude who got his head kicked in one night, especially if he laid his grubby mitts on a Quincy resident.

Without Gaul's cooperation, prosecutors found themselves unable to proceed against Pacreno and Johnson, stating that he had become noticeably less accommodating after realizing that "stop snitching" had been written on every stop sign between his work and home.


One of the sixty-seven "stop snitching" signs that can be found throughout Gaul's commute.

"I have absolutely nothing to say in regards to this story," said Silent Mike K., a Charlestown resident who once saw The Sixth Sense in the theatre and then refused to tell anybody his opinion on the surprise ending.

Both men were initially charged with attempted murder, assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, and malicious damage to a Milton dude's face.

Gaul was previously facing a charge of aggravated assault and battery for the incident with Johnson's sister, however, these charges were also dismissed due to lack of witness cooperation.

"I'll tell you exactly what this is," remarked Johnny "The Guns of Brixton" Greasepot, a Squantum resident, known for constantly telling people exactly what things are. "This is Squantum street justice at it's finest moment. Let this send a message to those who think that they can fuck the island."

It was revealed shortly after that Squantum is, in fact, actually a peninsula.

Johnny Greasepot, making a giant fucking spectacle out of not having his face shown.

"I'll tell you what else this is," Greasepot continued. "This is a bad day for Milton kids. Whoever told that town that it was okay to fuck with us should be beaten within an inch of their life. We might take our fair share of shit in this city, but we will not take shit from Milton. And that goes for Braintree, Weymouth, Dighton, and East fucking Sandwich. You step into this town, you play by our rules. And we don't settle our shit in court. We settle our shit in the streets."

Greasepot then stepped back and was immediately joined by a dozen hot-as-fuck girls, each of them dressed in traditional "Squantum casual" attire. Fireworks and exploding nitrous balloons filled the air, and the Clash's "London Calling" began to blare out at an ear-splitting volume through the Causeway's brand new Bose speaker system, all while Greasepot and the Squantum Dancers performed a surprisingly well-choreographed dance number.

It was as unexpected as it was marvelous, and it ended up being one of the better parties Squantum has seen in years.

Most likely, it was the best party the tightly-knit peninsula community has seen since the time Jacia Hearn ate an entire sheet of acid and spent over three hours trying to properly sync The Wizard of Oz and Dark Side of the Moon.