Self-employed dishwasher nets $20 on winning scratch ticket

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Don Von Bonco, a 61-year-old self-employed restaurant dishwasher from Merrymount, netted a cool $20 from local business Andre’s Market last night upon scratching a winning lottery ticket.

Von Bonco, who has carried a static expression of neither joy nor mind-numbing depression for his entire life, eased his winnings into his worn leather wallet and stepped out into the hot, summer sun, while store owner and AIDS-infested immigrant Andre clapped loudly.

“He won!” belched Andre, whose last name was withheld due to it not existing. “I asked him if he cared to risk it all for the chance to win bigger prizes, but he didn’t respond. I then gave him the twenty dollar bill and let that caged bird fly free.”

Attempts to interview Von Bonco were met with silence as he roamed carelessly back towards the general vicinity of his home.

Neighbors of Von Bonco seemed to be delighted to hear the news.

“I am delighted to hear this news,” remarked Ron Bocash, who has lived in Von Bonco’s backyard since March of 2009, due to a court order.

“Couldn’t give less of a shit about that guy,” added Jap Pandajap. “He’ll probably spend it all on buttered cheese sandwiches. That’s all I've ever seen him eat.”

It was later revealed that Von Bonco used the money to purchase an extremely used DVD copy of Blade II. It is unknown at this point whether he plans to disclose this information on his 2011 tax records.

Homeless people still not attractive, study shows

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A recent study conducted by a team of experts shows that homeless people are still among Quincy’s least attractive residents.

The study, which was conducted in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, consisted of six highly educated individuals viewing a slide reel of Quincy residents, to which they judged each on a scale of 1-to-10.

As to be expected, homeless people did not fare well in the study.

"What do you want from me?" asked Kelvin Springtime, who oversaw the study from a library computer's webcam. "Homeless people are fucking disgusting."

Springtime was last in the news after several Walmart shoppers confused his infamous "Springtime is here" entrance call with a declaration of a change in seasons, resulting in a most unexpected rise in beach chair sales.

For more information on homeless people, hide from your responsibilities.

McDonald's unveils the all-new McMiller sandwich

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the McDonald's Corporation (NYSE: MCD)

McDonald's unveiled their all-new McMiller sandwich yesterday evening at a golden tie event held at the Knights of Columbus hall on Hancock Street.

The McMiller, which is said to be designed after a local piercing shop owner, will be available only at the McDonald's in North Quincy, and is part of a brand new regional marketing campaign called "Burger Xtremes."

McDonald's representatives declined to name the piercing shop owner at this time.

While most who attended the unveiling were impressed by the sandwich, some pointed out the fact that it was nothing more than a pierced cheeseburger.

"The human body cannot digest a piercing," said area man Cheech Holbrook, who looked in on the event from an open window outside. "In a world filled with uncertainties, that is literally the only thing I am completely sure of."


Cheech Holbrook (left) partaking in a grisly scene during the after-party that followed.

If sales of the McMiller go as well as expected, the McDonald's Corporation has stated that they plan to continue their Burger Xtremes marketing campaign, possibly branching out as far as the McDonald's on Southern Artery.

Initial ideas on the drawing board show plans for a tattooed Chicken McNugget, green mohawks in Happy Meals, and a Sausage and Egg McMiller with Cheese.

"This is big," Holbrook added. "This entire city is about to fucking explode."

Witnesses claim local man takes things "too far"

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Prince Patrick Bourbon

Local man, “Average” Joe Muscles, took things too far recently with a public display that included flexing his biceps, twirling in a circle for two hours, and instigating a session where he waterboard tortured himself using techniques obtained from a used copy of a CIA handbook.

Claiming to get more than 95% of his dietary nutrition from the new Grilled Cheese Burger Melt at Friendly’s, Muscles began screaming obscenities at a nearby pigeon, before reminding all within earshot that he was “large and in charge.”

While witnesses to the bizarre spectacle were baffled by what they saw, all feverently agreed on Muscles' overall assessment of his body.

"I'd let that guy be in charge of me," admitted Shalburt Milkseed, a painfully neurotic delivery man from Montclair. "A man like that demands respect. If this doesn't make you wanna go out and grab a Grilled Cheese Burger Melt, I don't know what does."


The infamous Grilled Cheese Burger Melt, which has already claimed three lives.

Goron Manticore, regional supervisor at the box factory that currently employs Muscles, responded to the wild scene by eating two full boxes of saltine crackers and doing a series of subpar Ferris Bueller impersonations.

“Life moves fast, eh?” gasped Manticore, as his dehydrated windpipe slowly collapsed. “If you do not pause to take look around, you could miss it.”

Manticore was found dead just hours later underneath the floorboards of his Atlantic Street bungalow. At this time, there are no services planned, as friends and family have all agreed to mourn privately in the comfort of their own homes.

Man with obvious mental issues redefines waistline, unveils all-new summer fashion

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Quincy Center

A local man was spotted roaming the city streets today, wearing a pair of denim jeans that took up no less than 85% of his already insane looking body.

While some believe this man has simply mistaken the definition of what a waistline is, others believe he may be unveiling a brand new summer fashion. As to where others may obtain clothes of this fashion, no one is exactly sure.

The man, whose name was not made available to the media, due to the fact he is mentally disabled, is said to reside in an inpatient treatment center on Fenno Street.

His name was later revealed by friends and family to be Chipton Smoothly.

Smoothly, who has never made headlines before today, was unable to be reached for comment on this article, as his drastically illogical sense of reality caused his brain to shut down at the simple thought of being interviewed.

Jealous residents and medical staff at his assisted living home then locked Smoothly in a piping hot broom closet, where he was found dead hours later.

Smoothly is survived by two younger brothers and six adjacent neighbors.

Governor Patrick pays visit to Neponset River Bridge project, briefed on Pony Room concern

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

It seems no matter how hard a foreman on the Neponset River Bridge project tries, he just can't keep his workers from straying off and drinking at the Pony Room.

The Pony Room, which is conveniently located just over the Quincy line, in Dorchester, has long since been a go-to point for Granite City residents who are seeking to dabble in the high stakes world of the Neponset area nightlife.

But what will the Pony Room cost us in the end? Some say everything.

"I can't keep anybody concentrated on this project," complained Bill Ricka, who oversees construction on the southbound side of the bridge.

Calling in Governor Deval Patrick to further assess the growing problem, Ricka explained how the magnetic pull and allure of the notorious bar has already caused the project to be set back fifteen years behind schedule. As reported, the project was originally slated to be finished sometime before the end of 2012.

"At the rate we're going, we'll never finish this thing," Ricka added. "At any given point in the day, over half my crew is in that place drinking. You do the math."

Governor Patrick was unable to be reached for comment on this article.

Quincy residents promise absolute chaos after Celtics game, regardless of outcome

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy residents are preparing for what many believe will be a full-scale riot after tonight's Celtics game, regardless of what the outcome of that game may be.

All throughout the Granite City, sports fans and beer drinkers alike have promised absolute chaos to follow what may very well result in the Boston Celtics winning their 18th NBA Finals, a record no team has ever achieved.

But in the game of unnecessary rioting, scores are of little importance.

"It doesn't even matter if the Celtics win," explained Finbar Crothers, an out-of-work dishwasher from Grafton Street. "Either way, this city is gonna explode."

Crothers was last in the news after using an electroshock taser on a newborn baby's face, after becoming too excited during the first quarter of an NBA preseason game. While he was originally expected to serve a lengthy prison sentence for this crime, the baby later invoked his Fifth Amendment rights, refusing to testify in court, leaving prosecutors with nothing to go on but physical evidence.

"The streets will flow with the blood of many," one Celtics fan declared.

This fan was later deemed to be "too cryptic" by all within ear reach, and was escorted just beyond the Quincy border by way of East Milton Square.

"Things like this have only one way of playing out," remarked an anxious Officer Nico Haylen. "If you ask me, chaos is the only true order of things. Tonight could go either way. Maybe I'll blast a drunk in the face with a fistful of quarters. Who knows? Or maybe I'll just fire a beanbag through some college girl's eye, just because I can. I don't really give a fuck if the Celtics win or lose this game. I honestly couldn't care less. Either way, I'm gonna start poppin' eyeballs out with spoons."


Officer Nico Haylen, distracted by a passing pelican.

There is still no word yet on who will win tonight's game, although experts believe that the Celtics still have a "decent chance" at achieving this goal.

For the most up-to-date information on the NBA Finals, look elsewhere.

Newspaper spill hits Route 3A to public indifference, lackluster reviews

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Dozens of newspapers spilled out onto the corner of Coddington Street and Route 3A this morning, causing minor pile-ups and massive amounts of disinterest.

Thankfully, none of the drivers were injured, although several pedestrians were killed when a mid-nineties Toyota Corolla spun wildly out of control, pinning them against the stone wall of the Mount Wollaston Cemetery.

The newspapers, which had been heading east towards the Germantown and Hough's Neck sections of Quincy, were unable to be salvaged.

"I've seen better examples of chaos in my time," said Ray Skardbull. "Shit, I've had a few first dates lately that were more intense than that. Still, a lot of people died today. Whatever. Next time this happens, we'll be ready."

Skardbull was arrested shortly after on several unrelated rape charges.

Every year, it is estimated that hundreds of newspapers are lost during transit. At least half of those are believed to at one point cause a vicious accident. There is no way to currently estimate how many accidents happen in the world each day, although expert analysts believe that number to be in the thousands.

City's homeless strike envy with hard-working residents, "jobs are for schmucks," they say

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of a fucking wild time on Broad Street

All throughout the Granite City, people are enjoying the great weather and fun times of late spring, but none more than the homeless community at Father Bill's.

Father Bill's Place, which has long since housed some of the city's most undesirable homeless residents, is known for it's ability to continuously look after heroin addicts and rapists, rent-free, as well it's award-winning recipe for bagel pizzas.

But bagel pizzas aren't the only thing on the menu at Father Bill's Place.

Take this past Saturday, for example, when the entire establishment was outside barbecuing ribs and burgers for an unruly group of scumbags that consisted of no less than 60% convicted child molesters and drug addicts.


The homeless residents of Father Bill's Place, having a BBQ while you were at work.

"I can't believe how good these pieces of shit have it," said Calvin Shroud. "I was busting my ass on a nine-hour shift, and these guys are out there cooking half-racks on the grill. I swear, this world couldn't be any more mixed up if it tried."

Shroud then casually ingested a lethal dosage of potassium cyanide and crawled onto a nearby bench, where he was largely ignored by almost all who passed.

And as if barbecues and all-day hangouts weren't enough, some of the homeless have actually taken to urinate on the side of Father Bill's Place itself. Becoming too consumed by their luxurious lifestyles, most claim the bathroom is "too far to walk to," leaving those who work on Broad Street with a most horrifying image.


A homeless piece of shit, pissing all over the very building where he lives for free.

"Jobs are for schmucks," one homeless man said. "Why would I look for employment when I can just kick back and eat fire-grilled hot dogs and potato salad?"

It seems that no matter how hard the working man tries, a homeless person comes along a reaps the benefits of his labor. From shelters to detoxes, the bottom-feeding leeches of society seem to have no problem finding a place to call home, while those who work hard and struggle to make ends meet are left with the bill.

To speak to a homeless person, call Father Bill's Place at 617-770-3314.

Germantown sad sack assaulted outside home for refusing to wear shirt in public

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Quincy Police are on the lookout for two young men who allegedly assaulted an overweight Germantown boy over the weekend.

The boy, whose body is said by both family and teachers to be "utterly insane to look at," has apparently refused to wear a shirt since the end of April, and had already been given several warnings by the neighborhood teens.

As reported, the two men assaulted the victim just outside his Shed Street home.

One of the men was said by witnesses to be wearing a pair of black Nike Cortez, where as the other assailant was wearing sneakers of unknown origin.

"You can't really blame whoever did this," one neighbor said. "I'm sorry the kid had to get hurt, but he was really starting to bum everybody out. Even if I knew the two kids that did this, I probably wouldn't even say anything."

No further information on this case has been made available at this time.

Merrymount parents lash out against Mayor Koch using homemade signs with Microsoft clip art

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

Merrymount area parents are lashing out against the mayor in the wake of publicly announced budget cuts that may result in the loss of their school bus route.

The bus route, which operates throughout the neighborhood on weekday mornings and afternoons, takes students to and from Merrymount Elementary School, which is tucked away in a near-hidden location on Agawam Road.

As of this September, the bus route may be eliminated indefinitely.

"How do you take a bus route away from a kid that age?" asked Lufa Rigno, the neighbor of a concerned parent from Greenleaf Street. "I understand that budget cuts are making it hard to make ends meet, but you can't take away buses. Without school bus routes, we are nothing more than filthy pieces of shit."

Rigno was last in the news back in 1969, after he and a fellow business associate invented the Adidas shell toe, which remains a popular footwear even today.


Lufa Rigno (right) and his business partner, holding the very first Adidas shell toe.

But while the concerned residents of Merrymount disagree with the elimination of the bus route, those who are in control of the cookie jar say it is unavoidable.

"We just can't afford to keep the route operational," Mayor Koch said. "These kids are gonna have face reality and start walking to school. They're just gonna have to suck it up. The everyday luxuries of modern living are a thing of the past, and there's no way I'm going down in this sinking ship alone. I'm taking everyone with me, kids included. A little exercise never hurt anybody."

It was later revealed that Mayor Koch once blew a hamstring while pitching underhand during the annual City Hall vs. Napoli's Pizza softball game.

For more information on Quincy's school budget, spit in your child's face.

Dennis Quaid in hot seat after all-night stripper party, faces Quincy judge for alleged assault

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Dennis Quaid is in the hot seat again after an all-night stripper party ended at Club 58 with a slew of misdemeanors and an alleged assault on an underage girl.

The girl, who asked that her name not be mentioned in this article, is Pamela Campervan, a 16-year-old junior at Quincy High School, who claimed she used a fake driver's license to get past the otherwise impenetrable fortress of the nightclub's front door. An act that club owner John Tonic finds astonishing.

Campervan has been said by friends and teachers to appear at least twenty.

Police responded to a disturbance call this morning, at approximately 1:30am, where they found an inebriated and uncommonly slithery Quaid, surrounded by girls.

As reported, the nightclub had been reserved for a personal party for Quaid.

Upon first glance, responding Officer Nico Haylen knew that something was off about the scene, prompting him to draw his weapon and unload upon the crowd.

"I could tell something was awry," Haylen told reporters. "Partly because the young girl looked familiar, but mostly because of the guilty look on Quaid's face."

It should also be noted that Haylen had been accused of having an affair with the very same girl last summer, although she later refused to testify, shortly after receiving a brand new 2008 Audi RS4 from an anonymous donor.

After backup arrived, both Quaid and Campervan were taken into custody, where Campervan told authorities the actor had attempted to tear her breasts off.

On top of over a dozen smaller charges, Quaid was then placed under arrest for assault on a minor, to which he would only admit to "tweaking her nipples."

Quaid, explaining away the nipple tweaking fiasco during Friday morning arraignment.

"I honestly had no idea how old she was," Quaid pleaded. "I had no idea how old any of them were. They were all so soft, and everything was just fuzzy."

While Judge Naples E. Maples of the Quincy District Court is given time to sift through over three pages of eyewitness accounts, Quaid's wife is expected to file for divorce, where she will most likely take the celebrity for everything he is worth.

"This isn't the last we'll hear from Quaid," said Craig Billings, a local black.

Billings then swallowed several handfuls of high potency painkillers and proceeded to make pointless observations about the rising divorce rates in the South Shore.

Mayor Koch proposes over $40 billion budget cuts

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Mayor Thomas Koch's face

Mayor Thomas Koch has proposed over $40 billion in budget cuts for next year, which would be more than enough to put the city back in the green.

The only problem is, Quincy doesn't have anywhere near that budget.

In fact, the budget for July 1st, 2009 to June 30th, 2010 was just over $226 million, leaving quite an unexplainable gap between what the mayor is proposing and what he can actually deliver. But it's politics as usual in the City of Presidents.

From budget cuts to layoffs, it seems there's no good news for Quincy Public Schools. And it appears it may be getting a whole lot worse before it gets better.

But with a man like Tommy Taxes in charge, there's no need to fear. And as long as there's still jobs and supplies, there will always be something to remove, especially if it's something unnecessary, like deans or librarians. Who needs librarians when we can just look everything up on Google?

"We're facing a financial crisis," Koch told reporters. "What I'm suggesting is that we just chisel away at the outer edges until it all works out."

But what if one of the students decides they want to learn how to read?

"Reading is an excellent way to gather information," Koch admitted. "But it's no longer a top priority. With the amount of texting these kids do, it's hard to imagine anybody needing a librarian. We need to remove whatever we can to stay afloat. We're just gonna pluck a little off the top and see what happens from there. This seems bad on the surface, but it will all unravel quite smoothly in the post-production."

It is uncertain at this time whether the mayor thinks he is filming a movie.

"If Mayor Koch gets his way, the entire school department will be eradicated," one resident said. "He thinks it's a game. He's running this city like it was a fucking lemonade stand. Somebody needs to do something before it's too late."

For more information on where Koch is taking us, move to Bridgewater.

Bridgewater's financial crisis makes Quincy residents feel better about themselves

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

All across Bridgewater, residents and city workers alike are taking drastic measures to survive, as services and supplies continue to diminish.

With a public library that is open a measly 14 hours a week, and a fire department that is in danger of having to close down one of it's substations, it appears that Lady Luck just hasn't quite made her way down that far on Route 24.

But not everybody finds this news as hilarious as we do.

Take Sandy Narco, vice chairwoman of the Bridgewater Public Library, for example. Due to budget cuts, she now has to clean the shit off the library's toilets.

Don Larue and Sonny Thaves, both members of the town's Highway Department, now have to patch all 185 miles of Bridgewater’s roadways. Before the budget cuts, all they had to do was sit on YouTube all day and make money.

Mike Hearst, an English teacher at Bridgewater-Raynham Regional High School, has over thirty students in his ninth-grade class. Almost twice what he should.

And John Fingerton, who was once a high-ranking Bridgewater selectman, now spends his days giving people "ten fingers" to the second level of the Town Hall, as the decrease in funding became so bad that they couldn't even afford stairs.

"Go ahead and laugh at me," Fingerton said. "Get a good chuckle out of it."


John Fingerton, walking away from reporters with an unattended corn cob pipe.

Hearing of Bridgewater's misfortune, Quincy residents then decided to hold an all-night rager, hosted by local legends DJ Silent Partner and Stenny.

"Knowing that other people have it far worse than I do really helps to take the edge off," Silent Partner said, as he lit three Marlboro cigarettes with a flaming $2 bill. "The people of Bridgewater need to stop having sex with cows and start learning how to live like a civilized society. For them, this is a serious wake-up call. For us, it's an excuse to party. I think it's safe to say that we won this round."

Excusing himself to play a Biz Markie classic, Silent Partner began closing the party down in style. "This next song goes out to Bridgewater," he declared, as he ended the night with his own remix of Simon & Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water."

Listen: DJ Silent Partner (MySpace)

World Cup fever reaches dizzying lows in City of Presidents, shows record-breaking disinterest

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The 2010 FIFA World Cup, a sporting event of some sort, which is held every few years, managed to disinterest a record number or Quincy residents this year.

The contest, being held in South Africa, involves grown men effeminately kicking a ball around while keeping their hands and arms glued firmly to their sides.

Waulrice Numblord, a 40-year-old garbage collector from Finagle-A-Bagel, remarked, “I just beat my wife into a coma.” The statement shocked his coworkers with it’s stunning lack of World Cup relatedness.

Numblord was arrested shortly after, although charges were later dropped, as he recanted his previous statement, giving authorities nothing to go on.

"A criminal trial without a confession is about as exciting as a game of soccer," remarked Officer Nico Haylen, whose ongoing battle with diabetes has been both crippling and hilarious. "I couldn't name one soccer player ever, nevermind one from today. If you ask me, soccer isn't even real. It's all just smoke and mirrors."

Gulf oil spill hits close to home for local feline

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Gulf of Mexico oil spill has affected many since the drilling rig explosion of April 20th, but none more than local feline Smokey San Pedro.

San Pedro, who is said to have been in a clinically depressed state for the past six weeks, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier this year, a condition that has prevented him from performing normal daily tasks for quite some time.

"In his heart, there is a great sadness," said San Pedro's owner, Juanita O'Keefe-Clark, a twice-divorced mother of six. "A black cloud has cursed his soul."

Believing his decline in mental state to be stemming directly from the recent oil spill, O'Keefe-Clark began forbidding San Pedro to watch television during peak news hours. This, of course, resulted in an epic battle for supremacy, which, in turn, ended with San Pedro filing for separation from his owner of four years.

"You can't tell a cat to stop watching the news," said one neighbor.

But while some have pointed out flaws in O'Keefe-Clark's style of feline parenting, others have questioned why a cat is even allowed to file separation papers.

"It's just a cat," another neighbor said. "Who cares about it's feelings?"

When asked why the recent oil spill would affect San Pedro so deeply, Dr. Wayne Jetski, who has worked with San Pedro since January, could not say.


Dr. Wayne Jetski, who was unable to help with this story in any way.

"I honestly couldn't say," remarked Dr. Jetski. "I have an overabundance of clients, it's easy to get them confused. I also haven't been sleeping very well lately."

It was later revealed that San Pedro is Dr. Jetski's only feline patient.

Mysterious car wreck appears at front steps of local high school, "happens every year," kids say

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the cell phone in Quincy Center

A mysterious car wreck has appeared at the front steps of Quincy High School again, causing many residents to slow down and look at it while passing.

But what may seem like an isolated event has apparently been an ongoing problem at the school, reportedly happening every year around prom time.

But how does the car get there? And where does it come from?

The answers to these questions may never be known, as it appears even the school's administration is baffled by this seemingly annual occurrence.

"Beats me," said Principal Jaswald Suppertime. "It's definitely not my car."

While a banner on the side of the vehicle declares that it was donated by Schlager's Towing, of West Quincy, some believe that this is nothing more than a clever trick, designed to deflect inquiring minds from discovering the car's true mysterious origin.

Local gas station to auction off historic camper

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone in Merrymount

Bearde's Gulf station on Route 3A has agreed to auction off a historic camper to raise funds for Quincy High's new Gonorrhea Awareness program.

Owner and proprietor Jim Bearde, a longtime advocate for STD awareness, is also said to be a known carrier of the bacterial infection.

The Chevrolet G-Series camper, which has been owned by various locals since the late-1970s, has a long history in the Granite City, and is said to be worth over a thousand dollars. This estimate, however, while confirmed by amateur auto appraisers, has been disputed by those who are certified in the field.

"This is a great opportunity," Bearde said. "This van has so much history."

Just last year, Andre, the former owner of Andre's Market in Wollaston, received a full blood transfusion in the back of the van, in an attempt to rid him of AIDS.

In 2003, the infamous "Case of the Adams Shore Virgin" was brought to a close, as James "Slinka" Benuto deflowered Quincy High School cheerleader Cheryl Shawmack. Footage from this escapade was shortly after uploaded to Benuto's home computer, where it was then played constantly on YouTube and MySpace until Shawmack's suicide a month later.

In 1998, a Wollaston girl was fingered in the van by the bassist of Papa Roach.

In 1993, a Germantown father of three was arrested for using the van to manufacture methamphetamine, which, at the time, was known by the name "ice."

And in 1981, lifelong Quincy resident Jeff Brophy was born in the back of the van, after his mother refused to pay the emergency room deductible required by her Blue Cross Blue Shield plan. Jeff Brophy would later go on to drastically lose a 2009 Quincy mayoral campaign to incumbent Mayor Thomas Koch.


Jeff Brophy, celebrating Christmas of 2007 in a near-blackout.

"This auction is going to change the face of everything," Bearde optimistically added. "I'm expecting a really high turnout for this one. It's such an amazing van, with such a rich history to it. And it's for a really great cause, too. Kids these days need to be aware of gonorrhea. It's real and it's all around us. Trust me."

The auction will be held on Saturday afternoon in the basement level of the former Quincy Records & Tapes, where the starting price will be $1,200, although experts have predicted that the van may sell for as high as $1,500.

For tickets to this auction, please call Jim Bearde at 617-472-9161.

Quincy man stabbed by two assholes on Hollis Ave.

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy man was stabbed by two young men as he walked home after midnight from the North Quincy MBTA train station, police are reporting.

At this time, the man's name has not been released, although demographic experts believe he is most likely of Irish or Asian descent.

As reported by more reliable news sources, the man attempted to fight the two culprits off, and was stabbed in the abdomen. The pair then fled towards Hancock Street in the direction of Boston.

Both men were reported to have been wearing Adidas shell toes.

Police responded to the call at approximately 12:30am, to find an unexpectedly bright crime scene, possibly due to the illumination of the Aurora Northquincyalis.

"We found a knife with a three-inch blade on the ground," said Officer Nico Haylen, who made no attempt to hide the fact that he was also wearing Adidas shell toes. "It was covered with blood. But, like I said, it was pretty small. If the perps had a little better taste in knives, the victim would probably be dead right now."

The stabbing took place on the very same street Atlantic Middle School is on, although authorities do not believe this has anything to do with the crime.

In regards to the recent rise in violence in the North Quincy area, reporters reached out to Body Xtremes owner and everyday normal guy, Mik Miller.

Body Xtremes owner Mik Miller, a completely average man-about-town.

"I have no idea why North Quincy is becoming so violent," Miller reported, as he plunged a 14 gauge piercing needle through the nipple of some trashbag whore.

Quincy Police have asked that anyone with information on this recent stabbing please call the detective bureau at 617-745-5764.

For more information on Mik Miller's face, take an entire sheet of acid.

Squantum residents compete for position of great nobility and power, legendary license plate

Article by Beak Wilder / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Squantum residents took it to the streets in an epic battle for supremacy this weekend to see who would be given the right to use their official license plate.

The "SQNTUM" license plate, which was given to the 17th century Native American inhabitants of Squantum by English colonists in exchange for a bag of mollusks, has been given to a new resident of the peninsula each year since.

Every year, near the end of spring, residents of this tightly-knit community gather together to challenge each other in games of sport, intellect, and feats of strength.

He who survives to the end of these challenges is made the King of Squantum for a term of one year, and is given the license plate as his crown.

But with great rewards can also come vast corruption. Or so it seems.

Most recently, controversy was abound when Squantum resident Jacia Hearn was disqualified from the javelin tossing contest when it was determined that his javelin was being operated by a makeshift remote control.

In 2006, Bernard Koch, cousin of Mayor Thomas Koch, was twice disqualified from a headbutting match after judges realized that all members of the Koch bloodline have heads the size and density of an oil drum filled with Quikrete.

But when did these dirty tricks and illegal maneuvers begin?

Some say that the urge to cheat has always been there, but most believe it began in 1876, when Daniel "Swing Vote" Robittaile, a simple dockhand from Pratt Road, attempted to win the sympathy contest just by being black.

Being fairly unfamiliar with the ways of black people, the Squantum residents did the only thing they knew how to do: take him to the shoreline of Nickerson Beach and carve his right hand off, covering him with honey and leaving him for the bees.


The Squantum townspeople, tearing Robittaile apart after the alleged cheating fiasco.

"I don't know what Robittaile expected," said Teddy Crumble, great-grandson of then-judge Festus Crumble. "The sympathy contest was a major part of that year's festivities. But you had to work for it, you couldn't just milk it with something obvious. Of course they were gonna feel bad for him. He was fuckin' black!"

The legend of Daniel Robittaile has been disputed by many Quincy historians.

Going along with Squantum tradition, the winner of this year's event will not be announced outside of the peninsula, as the King of Squantum moniker is merely an unofficial title that bears no actual political power.

Dairy Freeze sign predicts yet another celebrity death, this time more vaguely than before

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Actor Gary Coleman died earlier this afternoon, due to an intracranial hemorrhage, making yet another Dairy Freeze celebrity death prediction come true.

Dairy Freeze, who has served the Quincy community delicious ice cream and fried foods for hundreds of years, is also known for it's cryptic forecasts of death.

Just last year, in fact, Dairy Freeze foretold the exact date of death for pitchman Billy Mays. Prior to that, the popular ice cream stand had precisely predicted the deaths of actress Farrah Fawcett and singer-songwriter Michael Jackson.

According to neighborhood residents, Dairy Freeze has eluded to Coleman's death multiple times since the 1978 pilot episode of NBC's Diff'rent Strokes.

"How could they have known?" one resident asked. "It's so eerie."

But as the questions accumulate, the answers appear to be far from reach, as representatives of Dairy Freeze have so far refused to make any official comment.

As to what fuels Dairy Freeze's secret power, the world may never know.

City workers up to same old fucking tricks, devise plan for free prescription meds

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Wollaston Beach

City workers are up to their usual antics again, this time asking that residents drop off their household hazardous waste and unused prescription medication.

But what may appear as a helpful city service to some is nothing more than a shameless attempt for city workers to rifle through the pill collections of unsuspecting residents, setting aside the valuable painkillers for themselves.

City workers, who are known for their incessant opiate addictions, have long since been involved in the high stakes world of backroom pill popping, often partaking in the use of Percocet, Codeine, Vicodin, OxyContin, Dilaudid, Hydromorphone, Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Morphine, and Methadone.

"There's no way all those pills are gonna be disposed of," said city worker Vance McGuard. "Those DPW boys will tear through those things like vultures."

Vance McGuard asked that his name not be mentioned in this article.

Each year, approximately 6-8 million prescription pills are dropped off to local DPW yards in the United States, about 3-4 million of which are never accounted for. At this time, there is no central data reporting agency for DPW prescription medication drop-offs, so these numbers are estimates.

"There's a lot of things going on these days," McGuard added, as he carefully washed the time release coating off his 80mg OxyContin. "A lot of things indeed."

For more information on pill addiction, look at a city worker's face.

Asian man infuriates residents by refusing to return bicycle to rightful owner

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of Little Johnny Spicy Pants

For years, Han Sook's neighbors thought he was nothing more than a simple Asian man. Just another sucker who thought he could achieve the American Dream.

From the paved front lawn, to the constant unfinished projects going on in his backyard, to the mid-nineties Toyota Previa minivan with absolutely no power steering, everything appeared normal. At least on the outside.

But what the people of his quiet neighborhood never knew is that Sook had been joyriding their children's bicycles and then leaving them wherever he saw fit.

It was an act of vandalism that Sook had been able to commit off the radar for a number of years, as a lack of communication between police and neighborhood watch officials paved way for a free-for-all of theft and petty crime.

But in the early morning hours of Sunday, when a city councilor woke up to find the bicycle he uses to get home drunk from the Irish Pub to be missing, the people of Montclair had finally had enough.

The city councilor asked that his name not be mentioned in this article.

"We responded to a call about a missing bicycle on Taylor Street," said Officer Nico Haylen. "By that point, it was already the fourth complaint we had received about something of that nature in the past week alone. It wasn't long before all the clues we uncovered began to point directly to Mr. Sook."

Sook, who vehemently denied knowing the English language, refused to comment on this matter, although rode away on a bike matching the city councilor's description.

According to police, Sook has so far refused to return the bicycle in question.


Han Sook, as he rode past reporters yesterday afternoon.

"When we arrived at the suspect's home, we found three bicycles in the basement," Haylen continued. "The suspect was uncooperative and had to be restrained and outmaneuvered on several occasions."

As reported, the serial numbers on all three bicycles had been removed, making it virtually impossible to prove they are the same ones that were stolen.

"These are scary times," one neighbor said. "This used to be the type of neighborhood where you could leave a hundred dollars on your front steps and wake up to find at least fifty of it still there. Now, I bet they'd take it all. These fucking Asians will bleed us dry if it's the last thing they do. If I said it once, I've said it a thousand times; this won't end with just bicycles."

Quincy Center sandwich salesman’s license revoked over alleged deli meat scam

Article by Brunk Edwards and Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Quincy Center salesman’s commercial food license has been revoked indefinitely after allegations of a scam involving forged documents was brought to light.

Val Vickson, 29, of Farrington Street, appeared before Judge Heathcliff Dagwood in the frozen food section of Super Stop & Shop, as the Quincy District Courthouse is currently being fumigated after several complaints of flying scorpions.

Vickson, shivering violently in his sleeveless "Big Johnson Bar & Casino" shirt, pleaded not guilty to forging signs for his sandwich shop, which indicated that he exclusively used Boar’s Head quality deli meats.

The signs were discovered to be forgeries when a customer noticed the company's name misspelled as “Boarz Hed,” along with the horrifying similarities between Vickson’s sandwiches and Lunchables brand snacks.

Vickson was unable to be reached for comment on this article.

Hough's Neck bus loses windshield wipers, brake lights mid-route, area mechanics baffled

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The MBTA's 216 bus lost its windshield wipers and brake lights during a routine trip to Hough's Neck this morning, causing temporary holdups on Sea Street.

The bus, which had just passed a standard safety inspection less than a month ago, was said to have experienced the electrical failure as it headed east, past the Our Lady of Good Counsel Parish. Both functions stopped working simultaneously.

But what could have caused this unexpected and tragic malfunction?

Some say that the problem was merely coincidental. Others, however, have taken to point fingers at the chief automotive inspectors of the MBTA.

"We're going to need to investigate this further," remarked Jim Bob Dunkin, who oversaw the safety inspection of the vehicle last April. "I've seen brake light bulbs go bad before, but never both at the same time. That's very peculiar."

As to why the windshield wipers would act up, Dunkin declined to comment.

Bus driver Annie Porter was unable to be reached, as she was treating post-traumatic stress from the incident with a couple of cold ones at the Presidential Pub.

According to passengers on the bus, Porter remained calm throughout the ordeal, although expressed several vague signs of nervousness and frustration.

"Another bus driver would have just pulled over and given up," one passenger said. "But she just kept going and made all the stops. It was like something out of the movies. If it wasn't for her, I would have gotten home much later."

Representatives from the Blue Hill Observatory in Milton also commended Porter, as local weather reports were shown to have been at a constant drizzle.

Local park to honor dead man with statue

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Donnie James Rio, a fondly remembered shuttle bus rider from Montclair, died last Thursday after playing 152 straight hours of the Nintendo game, Duck Hunt.

Rio, whose measly top score of nine ducks killed left a bitter aftertaste to his life, will be memorialized in statue-form at a local park to be named later.

Mayor Koch’s office was unavailable for comment on this matter, although his automated voicemail system oddly wished all a “triumphant Veterans Day.”

Jade Tree Records signs Coffee Break Café to three-year record deal

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Coffee Break Café in Wollaston has been signed to a three-year record deal by Jade Tree Records, representatives of the coffee shop have announced.

Jade Tree, the Wilmington, Delaware-based record label, began operations in the early-nineties, and are known for releasing popular, independent acts, such as Alkaline Trio, The Promise Ring, Lifetime, Jets to Brazil, Onelinedrawing, Avail, and, to a much lesser extent, Kid Dynamite.

As reported, the contract will provide free promotion in Cambridge and Allston.

While the local coffee shop expressed enthusiasm and eagerness towards what this record deal may bring them, no one could say for sure what that may be.

"It doesn't matter what the contract is," one customer said. "Coffee Break is the most highly-regarded independent coffee shop around. It's like they took all the bass lines from Pavement's first album, combined them with the lyrical integrity of Highway 61 Revisited-era Bob Dylan, tossed in a little bit of Neutral Milk Hotel's eclectic instrumentation and mystique, and somehow figured out a way to make it into a cup of coffee. This is good day for music fans and coffee drinkers alike."

Mik Miller running out of ideas for disturbing facial tattoos, promises to make body "more extreme"

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Mik Miller, owner and proprietor of the Body Xtremes Tattoo and Piercing shop at 417 Hancock Street, is running out of ideas for disturbing facial tattoos.

Miller, who has a longstanding history of being the most ridiculous looking human alive, expressed hope that he would soon think of something, although appeared to be stuck in what friends and family described as a "creative stalemate."

"He's just out of ideas," claimed piercing apprentice Chuck Wellington.

Miller, who became Massachusetts' first licensed and registered body piercer in May of 1996, has a total of 3,986 tattoos, over half of which are above the neck.

"I don't even know what else he could get," Wellington added. "Just on his face alone, he already has a lobster, a crab, a scorpion, and countless spiders and insects. In the realm of disturbing images, that pretty much covers it."

While some believe Miller couldn't possibly offend the public with his display of facial recklessness any more than he already has, others tend to disagree.

"I know he can do it," one supporter remarked. "He'll think of something."

While the controversial piercing tycoon vows to maintain shock appeal in the Granite City by continuously making his body "more extreme," expert tattoo forecasters have been unable to predict the exact nature of his next tattoo. Theories on what this tattoo may be have ranged from a "dragon with gigantic testicles" to a "funky, breakdancing vulture," although none have been substantiated at this time.

Joe Piscopo impersonator conjures up bad memories for locals, has residents on edge

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Joe Piscopo impersonator has created quite a stir among locals, causing many residents to rethink what form of entertainment they will allow in the Granite City.

The impersonator, who was said to look and act so much like the former SNL comedian that it was described as "chilling," was eventually asked to leave before completing his second act, although was reported to receive full compensation.

Visibly shaken, the impersonator appeared to be too bewildered to comment.

While it is a well-known fact that Joe Piscopo is not allowed within Quincy city limits, there is speculation as to why, exactly, this rule came about in the first place.

Some say it is a torrid tale of lust and betrayal, others aren't quite so sure.

"It was scary how much that man looked like Joe Piscopo," remarked Davey Goodness, an Easton resident who attended the event with his mother. "I don't know what Quincy's deal with Joe Piscopo is, but they obviously weren't ready for this. It was too real, too authentic. I'll never forget those cold, piercing eyes."

When asked the reason why Piscopo is not allowed to penetrate the Quincy border, City Hall claimed to have conveniently "misplaced his file."

"We don't talk about Joe Piscopo," claimed Eileen Donna Milkshake, a domestic engineer from Squantum. "I have no idea why we even thought we could handle this shit. There's too much bad blood. It was all just too much, too soon."

Joe Piscopo was unavailable for comment on this article, as his website and contact information were listed as "currently down for construction."

Headless homeless man spotted on Broad Street

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of a cell phone on Broad Street

A headless man was spotted walking into the Father Bill's Place homeless shelter on Broad Street earlier this afternoon, eyewitnesses claim.

Spotted by a vacationing couple from Orlando, the man was photographed just moments before he was able to slither out of view into the safety of the shelter, at which point authorities were alerted to the scene.

Representatives from Father Bill's Place declined to comment at this time.

According to Broad Street historians, this is the first incident of supernatural, jobless activity documented in the area in over two months.

On March 1st, Flex Edwards, a self-employed conquistador, was returning to Broad Street from a business meeting when he was violently accosted. Mr. Edwards was stripped of his newly acquired collection of Taang! Records hardcore tapes and raped in a non-sexual fashion. The culprit was later revealed by way of closed captioned security footage to be a heroin-addicted werewolf wearing a Father Bill’s Place "Homeless of the Month" wifebeater shirt.

While thousands of experts have come forward to inspect the mysterious photo, none appeared willing to go on record and verify it's authenticity.

"I know what I saw," said John Lemonshark, the Florida resident who took the photograph in question. "It was a headless man walking into a nearby homeless shelter. I'm sure of it. To say that that man had a head would be nothing short of a lie. In fact, it would be safer to assume that he had a home than it would be to assume he had a head. In a world of uncertainty, that is the only thing that's real."

Level 3 sex offender found in Marshalls clearance aisle, sent to Linden House in Whitman

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A Level 3 sex offender was found roaming the clearance aisle of the Marshalls on Newport Avenue yesterday afternoon, authorities have reported.

Quincy Police detectives responded to the department store at approximately 3:30pm, where they apprehended convicted rapist Ricky Peppers, a 29-year-old waste of life from the undisputed rectum of Plymouth County.

According to the police report, Peppers was in violation of his parole.

As told by his case worker, Peppers is forbidden to go within a hundred feet of any clearance aisle, as he becomes "too aroused by the amazing bargains."

In accordance with Massachusetts state law, Peppers will be sent to the Linden House in Whitman, where he will have the chance to live rent-free until he decides to rape again. He is currently being held at an undisclosed location in Quincy while authorities can carry out the long and complicated extradition process required to transfer him across county lines.

Always available for comment was local black, Glenroyal Smoothshave.

"White people is crazy," remarked Smoothshave, in his signature blend of anger, spite and ethnicity. "Why do they always have to offend women sexually? A black man might offend a woman on a CD, or even in a movie, but never sexually."

It was later revealed that black people have offended women sexually on numerous occasions, often times ending with the birth of an unwanted mulatto child.


Glenroyal Smoothshave, telling it how it is to an overwhelmed cameraman.

"Why do white people always have to rape?" Smoothshave added. "Why don't they just go to Club 58 and pick up a stupid bitch with low self esteem? It ain't like it's hard. Just tell some chunky bitch she looks good on the dance floor, tell her you have some cocaine at your apartment, and let it all ride out from there. I ain't sayin' I done it, but what if I had? This shit ain't even about me, motherfucker!"

For more information on local rapists, check out the Mass Sex Offender Registry.

Quincy Fire Department still up to same old antics

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

The Quincy Fire Department is under tight scrutiny again after more of their antics have been made public by media sources throughout the city.

Thousands of residents have called for the immediate resignation of over a dozen Quincy firefighters, demanding that City Hall take action against a department that is so out of control, some are referring to it as "the Wild West."

Most recently, the department was accused of hosing down Grafton Street resident, Cheryl Dumpa, an unemployed mother of seven.

Dumpa claims that an unmarked fire truck had pulled alongside her this past weekend and began hosing her down with a high-pressure fire hose, all while firefighters watched and heckled her from inside the truck.

Dumpa, who has a history of suing everybody, has threatened to file suit against the department, although is expected to settle out of court for cash.

Charles DuMarr, a "between jobs right now" kinda guy from Wollaston, dialed 9-1-1 last Tuesday to report a suspicious fire in the vacant lot behind his home. When no fire trucks responded, police officers found all on-duty firemen drinking in the woods behind McCormick baseball field.

“We saw at least 30-40 firemen dwelling around in the woods,” recalled Officer Timothy Shoegoo. “When we saw the words ‘no fate’ carved into a nearby picnic table, we knew exactly what was going on. They were reenacting scenes from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, yet again. I tell you, every spring this happens.”

Disciplinary action is being sought against firemen Walter Kocheck, Hu Jalopy, Carlos Santana, and Michael Fornier. With Fornier also being charged with conduct unbecoming of a city official after repeatedly screaming “I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle,” while completely naked.

Michael Fornier, making a giant spectacle after being told to put his clothes back on.

"These guys think they can run around and do whatever they please," commented Jake Jowels, a retired train conductor from Hough's Neck. "Aside from the obvious, name one thing a fireman has ever done for anybody. I don't care how many fires they put out, that's their fucking job. You don't see people praising me for all the hard days of work I had when I was out there conducting trains. Talk about a thankless job. I still have nightmares to this day. All these firemen do is stir up bullshit."

But as more and more bullshit gets stirred up, who will pay the price?

Just last summer, after nearly six weeks without negative publicity, two Quincy Fire Department trucks were spotted outside of Nick's Pizza on Southern Artery, illegally parked next to a fire hydrant.

"We're on lunch," one fireman said, when asked why they had parked there. "Why don't you go play with a book of matches or something."

The illegally parked fire trucks, which have yet to be explained.

Allegations of negligence and corruption continue to be made by countless residents. Representatives of the department, however, have consistently refused to make any official comment, as grooming Dalmatians and comparing recipes for 3-alarm chili appear to be more of a priority than appeasing citizens.

"This the same shit that's been going on since the beginning of time," remarked amateur historian Albert Cheeks. "The fire department is an army built to do as they please, and that's exactly what we have allowed them to do for thousands of years."

Chief of Fire (CoF) Noddy McCaulkin has announced that all allegations against his department will be looked into by a highly trained team of Internal Affairs officers, after they wake up from a weekend-long bender that began at an illegal Chinatown strip club and ended on the roof of Kennedy’s Carpet Cleaners.

Local girl turns to sex and drugs to meet boys

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Samantha Rogen lacks the normal level of confidence you would expect from a healthy teenage girl. In fact, she doesn't have any confidence whatsoever. And if it wasn't for the feeling of being completely inadequate, she wouldn't have any feelings at all. She'd be nothing but a hollow, rotting shell.

At night, Samantha sits in a dark corner of her bedroom and listens to music, often times playing bands like Joy Division, The Cure, Bauhaus, and Swans.

Growing up, Samantha had always had a difficult time meeting boys.

It wasn't until earlier this year, when Samantha turned to a world of promiscuous sex and reckless drug abuse, that she really began to open up and meet new people, most of whom just blew loads inside her and never called her again.

"Samantha is totally fucked," said Adam House, a friend and fellow drug user from South Quincy. "She'd do pretty much anything to fit in with us."

But after several in-school suspensions and three arrests for public drunkenness, Samantha shows no absolutely signs of slowing down, even going as far as to threaten moving out of her parents house to pursue an acting career in Hollywood.

"She thinks she's gonna be a movie star," her stepfather explained. "She truly believes it. I don't know how many times I've told her what an insane pipe dream that is, but she doesn't listen. Not to me, not to anyone. If she wants to go to Hollywood, let her. That town will chew her up and spit her out the ass end of the amateur porn business in no time. Maybe that's just what she needs."

It was later revealed that Samantha's stepfather has one of the most massive porn collections this city has ever seen, an addiction that has crippled him for years.

Questions raised as YMCA junior wrestling program proves to have disastrous side effects

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

The YMCA junior wrestling program has been shut down indefinitely due to multiple complaints of awkward behavior amongst it's participants.

Among the many concerned parents is Guswald Fendercat, a professional shoeshiner from Squantum, who claims to have found his 8-year-old son in what he describes as a "compromising position" with a fellow neighborhood boy.

"There was just something off about how they were playing," remarked Fendercat. "I can't say what it was, exactly, but it just wasn't natural."

Head wrestling coach Stephen Clubberts was unavailable for comment on the matter, although chose to do so anyway.

"It's just wrestling," he said. "It's a perfectly normal form of exercise."

Clubberts, who is now unemployed, is expected to apply at a handful of coffee shops in area, as bills at home show no signs of diminishing.

While attentions appear to be focused on the wrestling program for now, head honchos in the school department have already decided to do away with Central Middle School's fencing program, as well as Sterling Middle School's boxing program, which, as it appears, is nothing more than actual schoolyard fistfights.

"I dunno about this shit," added Fendercat, who was fresh out of a boiling hot shower intended to help him feel clean again. "It's fucking gross."