Wednesday, July 1, 2009

South Quincy declares war on Squantum, demands "SQ" abbreviation back


Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Violence has broken out in the streets of Quincy as residents of the South Quincy area have declared war on Squantum, with both sides of the dispute claiming rights over using "SQ" as the official abbreviation of their respective areas.


Fighting between the two factions began this morning, just after daybreak, as morning commuters witnessed Joe "The Rock" McLash, a lifelong Squantum resident, shot down in front of the Beechwood on the Bay child care center on East Squantum Street, or "The Causeway," as it has come to be known by locals.

The shooting was the culmination of at least forty minutes of heightened tension between the two sections of Quincy and was reported to police in the early hours of the day. Officers first on the scene could only reveal that the shooter was a white male, possibly human, and driving a four-wheeled automobile of some kind that was blaring Boston’s “More Than a Feeling” as it sped off.


While this has been the sole murder between the two, it is already being called the worst case of Quincy infighting since a Dunkin’ Donuts dispute led to widescale warfare between the Wollaston and Montclair sections of the city, which has recently settled into a state of trench fighting. Casualties in the Wollaston-Montclair war were last accounted for as being in the thousands.

Authorities were quick to point out that this recent attack in Squantum does not guarantee the same horrific results.

McLash's murder represents the first case of violent dispute between the two subsections since Jacia Hearn and his Squantum lackeys raided the home of Matty Southside, a socially prominent South Quincy kid, resulting in one of the most confusing fist fights ever, as all participants of the rumble were wearing "SQ" shirts at the time.

"This violence has got to stop," said DJ Silent Partner, a Squantum resident who has been mentally torn over the recent carnage, as he frequently performs gigs at the Southside Tavern. "We're pretty much talking about the absolute extreme ends of Quincy, I don't even see why it matters. If everybody just stayed in their own area, the 'SQ' abbreviation wouldn't even be a problem. But all the young punks in this town just won't let it be. Those South Quincy kids just showed up and took Joe McLash out with an outdated tommy gun, it was so fucking brutal. Everywhere you looked, it was just a bunch of white kids going crazy. It was a white riot, that's what it was. If it keeps on going like this, there'll be more casualties than the English Civil War. If I had the remote control from that Sandler movie Click, I'd use it to get the hell out of this country. I'm so bored with the USA, it's not even funny."


“All they got is a band that had two good albums thirty years ago,” rebutted Phil Tang, a South Quincy resident and frequent Hollywood Video customer. “They live on a friggin’ peninsula, for Christ’s sake. Plus, they wear their hats cocked to one side. That’s our thing! That’s the thing that we do!”

While peace talks between the two factions are being hastily assembled to avert further catastrophe, discussions on a firmly neutral location are becoming another hurdle altogether. Papa Gino’s in Wollaston was deemed “too controversial,” as an "SQ" tag was found carved in a table and neither side could remember who had done it. Meanwhile, two unassociated Merrymount teenagers were sent to Quincy Medical Center with brutal concussions after unfortunately walking into the pizza parlor and being the only ones in there without an “SQ” symbol on their jackets.

Until a truce has been reached, authorities have asked that all Quincy residents refrain from wearing any territorial townie shit, as it has become increasingly clear that no two sections of Quincy can ever get along. Authorities have also warned the public about the upcoming 4th of July weekend, and have promised that all those who decide to "act the fool" will be found and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. In other words, stay the fuck off Quincy Shore Drive.

12 comments:

Silent Partner said...

This just in.... Josh and I have made SQ Tee Shirts to celebrate the 100th year of Squantums' existence! they will be on sale as of July third and we will be reppin' hard at the rock or the wall..err where ever the cops let us..uhm.. congregate.

The True SQ

Anonymous said...

Is the Silent Partner talking using only Clash song titles ???? Cause if that's the case I'm totally jumping on that fucking band wagon. On a dif note, just to be sure, I can grab my girls small at the bonfire at unspecified locations in the real SQ
(on fri night?? Cause if so Ill see ya there Pahtnah!

signed
Former Merrymount now SQ

Anonymous said...

)

sweden said...

Merrymount-now there's a name that must have had some teasing for kids. The girls especially. How tough can you be if you say your from Merrymount-

Anonymous said...

Not tough at all, just stating I lived in Merrymount and now reside in SQ. And I was teased.... BUT only because I was a huge dork apparentley. Also I was usually teased by other kids from Merrymount. So I don't think that my being from Merrymount was the key teasing factor. Or maybe it was b/c i shaved my head wait that was at Broad Meadows.... ahhhg who knows. Damn the good ol days!

signed
Former Merrymount now SQ

sweden said...

Former Merrymount now SQ-No offense meant-I was trying to joke on the gang thing--I'm Sweden and never took the side of the tough guy--give me a nerd any day..but I was never smart enough for the nerd..as you can tell by my writing.

Darth Vader said...

As I continue to witness refugee's from sqcuntum wash up onto holy ground on there make shift rafts, it makes me think,"do these mofo's have permission to be here?".The answer is "no". As the crime rate soars, presidents pharmacy continues to be loitered with what can only be decribed as wannabe's. I have taken action and called in the Rebal Alliance to assist in the erratication of these deseased pheasants.We cannot stand around and watch as these men, women and children infultrate the same 7-11 I use and drink my mountain dew. I demand that squantum be pawned and the money used to get some really good weed.

All sorts of Sillyness said...

As for SQ kids leaving SQ.... dont think its ever happened. There pretty attached to that little island. Also if for some reason they did part. I highly doubt South Quincy would be the location point. If that is indeed the turf you are speaking of Darth.

All sorts of Sillyness said...

correction, they're

DIAMONDZ IN THE CUT said...

SQUANTUM SMELLS LIKE SHIT!!!

Darth Vader said...

(cuuhhhh-caahhhh) Apparently you didn't read the story where they broke into SouthSides house...hmmmm...they would have had to leave sqcuntum to do so.

Darth Vader said...

Thank's for playing