Local music fan wanted for questioning in shooting

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photos courtesy of the World Wide Web

Local music fan and driving instructor, Chris Brown, is wanted for questioning in regards to a shooting in the Wendy's parking lot on Southern Artery, which took place late last night, after a reported 9-hour-long wait in the restaurant's notoriously mismanaged drive-thru.

The incident occurred just after midnight, where eyewitnesses say an altercation broke out between Brown and Milton fire sale coordinator, Joe "Funny Man" Wong.

The argument, which ended with Brown allegedly firing a .45 caliber handgun into Wong's abdomen, leaving Wong in critical condition at the For-Us-By-Us Asian Medical Center in North Quincy, was said to have stemmed over a
Baconator sandwich with pickles that both men claimed to have ordered.


Chris Brown, who asked that all but his sweater and collared shirt remain unseen.

Head drive-thru coordinator at the location, Chippo Pottamoose, was also questioned by police. Mr. Pottamoose, known to authorities as having an illustrious history of letting things spiral wildly out of control, was shaken by the events, and attempted to explain what he witnessed.

“The Baconator was ordered with a muffled voice, leading to mass confusion," Pottamoose commented. "This is most likely due to the fact that our drive-thru operators use Sony Walkman headphones from 1992 that are covered in grease. No one knows why, but that it certainly explains the occasional mishap.”

Pottamoose was then questioned extensively by Quincy Police over the disappearance of hundreds of boxes of recalled Sony Walkman headphones from the former Tweeter Electronics store in the mythical East Quincy.

Adding to the confusion outside, Wendy’s workers had to deal with several unruly costumers within the restaurant. “Silent” Mike K, a Charlestown native who visits Quincy exactly once every blue moon, absolutely refused to talk when asked what he would like to order. This caused the already short-handed staff to divert much needed manpower into surrounding Mike K and repeatedly demanding his order. Head fry cook Wally Ifrit was then summoned in from the fiery depths of the back grill area to try his hand, but, like all others, it was to no avail.

At the time of this article, Chris Brown remains at large. It is expected that he will turn himself in by tomorrow morning, as his driving school-issued Porsche Cayman was seized by authorities this afternoon.

There is no word yet on if Joe "Funny Man" Wong will survive his injuries, as his status remains critical at this time.

There is also no confirmation on whether, or not, Brown muttered “say goodbye” to Wong as he shot him. As more details of this "sick plot" come to light, The Quincy Scallion promises to be there to report them.

Joe "Funny Man" Wong (right), posing for a photograph with an African American male.

Authorities have asked anybody with information as to the whereabouts of Chris Brown to please contact them immediately, as he is considered to be armed and dangerous, and has been known for his strong capabilities of maintaining no regret, as he is a "rebel without a cause" who "never asked to be born."

It is the opinion of this publication that, while the Southern Artery Wendy's drive-thru may be poorly managed and excruciatingly annoying, no man should take it upon himself to attempt to take another man's life. And with that, we leave the alleged shooter this message: Settle down, Chris fuckin' Brown!