Friday, April 24, 2009

Quincy Quarries suffers steady decline in jumpers since being filled, report says


Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A recent report has shown a steady decline in the amount of jumpers at the Quincy Quarries since being filled in the late nineties. The report was conducted by a six-person team of public officials, hand selected by Mayor Thomas Koch, using city funds that would have had to have been put into the following year's budget, if unused. "After conducting the necessary tests," Mayor Koch explained in his City Hall rooftop speech. "We have determined that there has been a sufficient decline in jumpers at the Quincy Quarries, which we have found to be directly linked to the fact that it is now filled. A lot of the city's dirty laundry was buried when they filled that quarry, namely a bunch of dead prostitutes, but it's good to know that some good came out of it, too." As usual, Mayor Koch declined to answer any of the Quincy Scallion's thought-provoking questions.

Since elected, Mayor Koch has refused to go on record with the Quincy Scallion on any issues regarding the city, nor has he made any attempt to grow to the height of a respectable man.


City of Quincy graph showing the steady decline in jumpers at the Quincy Quarries
Notice the immediate drop in the amount of jumpers once the quarry was filled with hookers

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I always wondered if Jimmy Hoffa was in there

Anonymous said...

Mr. Wilder,
This has nothing to do with the article but I just have to ask you....................WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING ON YOUR CHEEK ......A ZIT?????? MY GAWD IT IS SO HUGE IT SHOULD HAVE IT'S OWN ZIP CODE! OHHHH I'M SORRY........ NOW THAT I HAVE GIVEN IT A CLOSER INSPECTION I'M THINKING IT MAY POSSIBLE BE A BLOSSOM FROM ALL THOSE NIGHTS OF DRINKING CHEAP BOOZE.................NEVER MIND.

Anonymous said...

my reebok classics are in there