Great white shark spotted in Merrymount lagoon, entire neighborhood buys bigger boats

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

A great white shark was spotted yesterday just inches from land in a remote Merrymount lagoon known as "White Collar Gulf."

The shark, which is estimated to be approximately twelve feet in length, wandered into the lagoon at approximately 5:45PM last night, and has remained there ever since.

Calls began coming into Quincy Police by 5:52PM and continued on late into the evening, as friends and neighbors of the area showed absolutely no signs of attempting to get used to the shark.

Officer Nico Haylen was the first to respond. "I responded to the call just before six o'clock," remarked the infamous diabetic. "It was right before my dinner break, too, which always happens. It never fucking fails. I was about five minutes away from eating one of my special diabetes steaks, and all of the sudden, in comes a call. But that's the life I chose, you know? So I suck it up and take the call, because that's what heroes do. At first, I'm thinking it's a disturbance call, but my dispatcher keeps talking about a shark. That's when I figure he's talking about Marky 'The Sharky' Shea, that bummin' car thief from South Quincy. I get to the scene as fast as I can, pull up to the water, and it's total fucking chaos. People are freaking out, pointing and screaming, acting like fucking animals. That's when I looked over and saw the shark. I don't even remember what happened next."

"That cop was certifiably insane," screamed Steve Winscott, co-owner of Amazing Video and lifelong Merrymount resident. "He just whipped his gun out and starting blasting away. He must have fired twelve rounds at that thing. I couldn't see for sure, but I think he definitely pierced through the thing's dorsal fin. It was like that scene in Jaws 2 when Chief Brody lost control and just started shooting at a school of blue fish with those crazy bullets he made during the obligatory preparation-for-war montage. I'm no shark expert, especially when it comes to their nervous systems, but, if you ask me, getting shot in the dorsal fin has gotta sting a bit. It's probably like getting shot through the ear, which, let's face it, would suck."

Through the evening, police and media swarmed the area, searching for answers as to why the shark had chosen Merrymount as it's resting spot. Local scientist, Matty Hammers, offered a vague explanation as to how this could have happened.

"Great white sharks have become more aggressive in the past few years," Hammers stated. "I don't wanna pawn this off on one of those 'must be something in the water' things, but I think it's something in the water. About eight years ago, the entire city of Quincy was hooked on a workout beverage called Speed Stack, which had 25mg of Ephedrine in each bottle. But after sports players started dropping like flies, and doctors started coming to the realization that it was these workout drinks causing it, anything with Ephedrine in it got taken off the market. It became a black market sensation in this city, and when the feds busted down George Camaro's garage, they found over a thousand bottles of it, which got dumped into the ocean, right in the Merrymount area. Is it possible that all this Ephedrine that was so carelessly dumped into the water is still there, and has caused a rise in aggressive behavior with these sharks---of course it is. Picture the toughest Quincy kid you know, then multiply that by a freaking billion. That's what you have going on right now, if you ask me. If I could offer one piece of advice to the residents of Quincy, I would advise them to stay out of the water."

Mayor Koch was unavailable for comment on this matter, however, it is assumed that he would deny the accusations of overly aggressive sharks, and inform people that the beaches are considered to be safe, and will be open on the upcoming 4th of July holiday. So far, Officer Nico Haylen has not been charged with yet another case of handgun misuse, although Quincy Police have promised to "keep a close eye on both Haylen and the shark."