The Quincy Scallion: Human cloning technology paves way for possible Clash reunion in Squantum

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Human cloning technology paves way for possible Clash reunion in Squantum

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

In this shocking story, Jacia Hearn, the undisputed leader of Squantum, has come forth with information about a scientific breakthrough that may lead to one of the most bizarre events Quincy has ever seen, a Clash reunion.

The reunion show, which has already been hastily scheduled for Saturday, August 1st, was kept entirely under wraps until this morning, when Hearn went live on the North Quincy High School intercom system, causing local authorities to respond to the scene. He was then apprehended and charged with illegal use of a high school intercom system, as well as possession of what police have described as "more acid than fucking Woodstock," although the charges were dropped almost immediately after when police realized his arrest was in direct violation of Mayor Thomas Koch's "No Squantum Kid Left Behind" act.

"This shit is gonna be nuts," remarked Hearn. "We have found what appears to be a mosquito that at one point drew blood from Joe fucking Strummer. Now, I'm no scientist, I'll admit that one right off the bat. What I am though is a huge Jurassic Park fan, and I'm pretty fucking sure that that movie has one of the most bulletproof plot lines ever. Everything that happened in that movie could happen in real life, I don't think anybody's gonna argue that one. You'd have to be a fucking psychopath to go against that logic. You should have seen this fly though. It just kept coming into my room and then leaving again, it was fucking insane. It couldn't tell if it should stay or if it should go. That's when I knew. I knew that little fucker had some Strummer in him, and that my prayers had finally been answered. I trapped that little guy in an updside down shot glass and just started making calls. Anybody from back in the day who did even remotely well in science class got a call that night. I'm compiling a team of people to head the project as we speak. This shit is going down, there's absolutely no way it can fail. We just need somebody who knows how to clone, but that's literally the only thing we're lacking at this point. The rest is just gravy."

But not all Squantum kids are as hopeful as Hearn, some of them remaining skeptical of the flimsly scientific formula. DJ Silent Partner, who Jacia Hearn recruited to host the event, tells his side of the story. "I like Jurassic Park as much as the next guy," he explained. "But that doesn't mean this cloning process is going to work. Honestly, they don't even explain it that thoroughly in the movie, and I'm pretty sure Jacia hasn't read the book. I can't really see this whole thing working out in anyone's favor, but I guess it's worth a shot. I'd do anything to see the Clash. 02171 is ground fucking zero for Clash fans, everybody knows that. I just don't have much faith in Quincy kids cloning people, I guess you could say. Either way, what was I supposed to do, turn the offer down? I can't do that. It certainly doesn't seem likely that it would work out, but what if, y'know? What if?"

In addition to the Clash and DJ Silent Partner, other acts to be included in the upcoming show will include Vern Roberts and the Mushroom Chocolates, the Ramblin' Souls, The Partiana Tarter Quartet, and the Brothers of Noel Vickery.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...: Should I stay or should I go is a Mick Jones song, not a Strummer song. No one wants a clash with 2 Mick Jones. No one.; June 23, 2009 at 2:12 PM
sweden said...: I think the alcohol and drugs would disturb the cloning process.We don't need more Squantum kids with less brains than they already have.; June 24, 2009 at 7:41 PM
Tha Dogg Catcher said...: My mother's from Squantum; June 24, 2009 at 8:09 PM
HOOPS said...: Your Mother's From G-Town!!; June 24, 2009 at 8:11 PM
Three Sheets said...: "I live by the River..." Can't wait until they figure this out. Can they clone Jimmy Hendix and Jerry Garcia too? Maybe even Michael Jackson?; June 26, 2009 at 2:43 AM

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by Mike McCuddy

Quincy Police were called to intervene regarding a domestic disturbance incident on Safford Street yesterday, stemming from a routine plumbing incident gone awry. Dumpling Wong, a local man-of-soy, known throughout the community for knocking over invalids and children on the Red Line, called 9-1-1 on Monday afternoon to report unruly behavior on behalf of Emerald Isle Plumbing and Sheetrocking, a plumbing outfit from the Vietnamese-smelling part of Savin Hill. The incident began after Wong clogged his toilet that morning with an unusually large defecation, resulting from a previous night’s order of fried Basset Hound, smothered in MSG, from Mr. Chan’s in Milton. Based on a recommendation from a drunken neighbor, Wong called Emerald Isle Plumbing, which promised same day service. Showing up three hours late, the plumbers ignored Wong’s request to remove their shoes at the door, instead dragging mud onto the carpet and dropping scone crumbs throughout the house. “This place smells like fucking shit,” announced supervisor Pabst McMurphy, a man who once set a 3-state record in 2006 for saying the word “cocksucker” an estimated 2,453 times during happy hour at Darcy’s Pub. After surveying the clogged toilet for less than five seconds, the plumbers mumbled about needing a “Johnson Rod” at the shop, but continued to loiter at the Wong residence. Apprentice Cork Sullivan, a Shepard’s pie with a green card made out of Irish Spring soap shavings, proceeded to fire up Nintendo Wii, and soon bottles of Tsing Tao beer began disappearing from Wong’s refrigerator. Wong finally called the police after a Mr. Sub delivery man arrived at the door while the crowd had erupted into singing. Police are expect to revoke the company’s Local 12 Plumbing charter, where they will then discover that none of the men are licensed to plumb, or even be in the United States.

Quincy Police have released a statement claiming they have shut down the Andre’s Market convenience store in Wollaston. This act will also be coupled by stripping sole proprietor, Andre Squanto, of his vendor’s license, for selling expired inventory. Andre, a 58-year-old homosexual Indian, who inexplicably wears cowboy hats, was known as a minor Quincy celebrity for his frequent disgusting sexual rendezvous behind the Village Auto School, as well as his memorable stint as Danny on the mid-nineties Nickelodeon program, Hey Dude. Police were notified of the suspicious inventory based on numerous customer complaints, including local chimney duster, Flem Borsiquot, who stated, “I walk in here every day to play the numbers and see some crazy shit. Massasoit behind the counter is selling Pub Fries from what looks like the Reagan Administration, and he’s sellin’ Heralds with Mo Vaughn on the cover. This fuck even has a BayBank ATM in the corner.” Other inventory, such as 25 cent juice boxes with no label on them, Crystal Clear Pepsi, and Mass Millions lottery tickets have been dismissed as “fucking ridiculous.” Longtime customer, Quack McTavish, claims, “I think most people were willing to ignore the dusty ice cream cooler that looked like a portal to Hell, and the leather jacket on the wall that may, or may not, have been for sale, as long as that Andre guy didn’t talk to, or even look at, one of our sons.” Police say the vacant property is expected to be sold to Mung Realty, where a nail salon, bottle/can depository, or shitty bakery is expected to crush the soul out of the neighboring community.

Dorchester Copperpot, a hickory smoked, fall-off-the-bone pork rib from Merrymount, was detained by Quincy Police on Monday and committed to the McLean Mental Health Facilities after inciting a riot during a monthly Quincy City Council meeting at City Hall. Copperpot, an 84-year-old homeless maniac, credited with being the first person to buy a compact disc at Quincy Records & Tapes in 1989, was rescued by police after being attacked by an unruly mob for a series of blasphemous comments. The Quincy City Council was called together for an emergency meeting on Monday to discuss suggestions for renovating the notoriously underfunded Quincy Center, which yielded solutions such as attracting more discount shoe stores, Greek pizza shops, and the construction of a methadone clinic inside the Quincy Center MBTA bus terminal. Council President Lo Hong Duck blurted out “fuck this shit," before excusing himself to murder his newborn daughter. The meeting began winding down around 8:15pm, when the front door flew open and Copperpot ambled in, wearing two different shoes and Army fatigues from the Korean War. Copperpot quickly seized the podium and began reciting a recipe for split pea soup before making a myriad of baseless, inflammatory accusations ranging from former Mayor James Sheets being a bullfighter in Spain, to a mysterious bridge on Nut Island being an elusive second road into Squantum. “Lets kick the shit out of this crazy fucker!” shouted City Comptroller Evan Marmaduke, who led an all-out assault on Copperpot until police were called to remove him from the premises. Police expect Copperpot to be sentenced to six months in McLean Hospital, wherein he is then expected to be released back into the dumpster behind Shamrock Variety on Beale Street.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Human cloning technology paves way for possible Clash reunion in Squantum

5 comments:

Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards

by Mike McCuddy

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