Silly looking dude claims to have traveled back through time to warn Quincy about something, bottled unconscious outside Irish Pub

Article by Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

An absolutely ridiculous looking white male in his late teens was brutally beaten unconscious outside the Irish Pub in North Quincy late last night after onlookers described him as having agitated patrons with ramblings about time travel.

The unidentified teen, referred to by authorities who were arriving on the scene as “Kid Silly," is listed in critical condition at Quincy Medical Center, with multiple lacerations to the skull and at least one severely “blahsted eye."

According to security footage recorded by the pub's state-of-the-art “VHS hooked up to three Super Nintendos” system, the attack occurred at 12:36AM, but police were not called until approximately 1:15AM, as patrons of the bar simply wanted to wait until last call, with many being seen on camera smoking butts outside and taking pictures of the victim with outdated cell phones.

Sources who were at the pub were eager to talk to the Scallion about the incident. “Dude got mangled," revealed Dan Yabsky, a twenty-one year old from Billings Street who has been coming to the Irish Pub for “close to six years now.” Yabsky can be seen on the surveillance video calling friends and pointing to the unconscious victim, and then whistling obnoxiously at women for a half an hour.

Billy Cusack, 30, of Quincy Shore Drive, claims to have been outside when things went down. “Alright, so this silly looking dude shows up in an orange bubble jacket and silver pants. Right off the bat, I’m thinking Milton. Anyways, he walks up to the front door, all sweating and shit, and telling me I have to take him to the mayor’s office immediately. He’s, get this, from the future, and is trying to warn Quincy about something. I tell him he’s in luck because the mayor's at the bar drinking shots of Wild Turkey. Hah, I sent that fruity dude in there to mess with my boy Biff.”

Biff Tannen, a local instigator famous for duping the Salvation Army out of $25,000 in light bulbs back in 1998, was at the bar when the victim entered. Bartender Swish O'Connor recalls how it happened.

“Biff is furious 'cause he just lost, like, forty bones on Keno," remarked O'Connor. "And then this hilarious lookin’ goofbag comes up to him calling him 'mayor,' and telling him the city's in trouble. He’s going on and on about this shit, and finally, Biff’s like, ‘All right, buddy, tell me about this outside.’ They go out there to talk, and then, two secs later, you just hear the most brutal smash. Ah, nothing better than that---fuckin’ Milton kids.”

Cusack, while still waiting outside, maintains that the victim rambled on about something having to do with “jiggawatts” and “clock towers,” but Tannen, who took this to mean the outsider was “talking shit about his boy Jiggy,” became enraged. “He thought this dude called Jiggy a 'clock tower,' or something like that, so he bottled him and just punched his brain inside out.”

Tannen, smirking devilishly, maintains that “the dude should have went back to a time before they made extra thick Magners bottles.”

The victim was then rushed to Quincy Medical Center and pronounced “absolutely beaten to shit” by Dr. Desmond Shaw.

Authorities, however, declined to comment on another incident last night, which was rumored to have involved the clock tower in Quincy Center, stolen plutonium from Don’s Joke Shop, a silver Chevy Malibu, and the electrified corpse of the infamous recluse mad scientist, Dr. Radek Brownbowski, nor would they acknowledge the possibility of the two incidents being related.