Every homeless person on Broad Street disappears, entire city mystified

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

In this most shocking story, Father Bill's Place, the Broad Street homeless shelter best known for giving less fortunate Quincy "residents" a second, third, and fourth chance, has reported that every single individual under their care was unaccounted for as of 7:08AM this morning.

Local authorities are baffled by what could have caused what may be one of the largest homeless disappearances since KFC decided to give away two pieces of their "Kentucky Grilled Chicken" for free.

"We have no clues at this point as to where they could have gone," said Officer Nico Haylen, last in the news after a botched attempt to thwart what he mistook for a massive terror attack. "We've never seen Broad Street this empty. This is usually a very marketable area for the homeless, and they can be found scattered throughout the street, each with their own secret agenda, sometimes even having bum-sex in the little wooded area across from the Bryan VFW. At this point, we have been unable to locate a single homeless person, which is an eerie feeling, to say the least."

This disappearance is not the first that Father Bill's or Broad Street has seen in recent past. The purple Hyundai (or "37 Broad Street," as it came to be known), which was the makeshift home for two local vagrants for almost five years, vanished into thin air approximately two months ago.


The purple Hyundai in all it's glory, just before disappearing for good.

"That purple Hyundai had been there for years," remarked Jimmy Grabass, a periodic drug user who occasionally stays at Father Bill's. "Kenny and Chrissy made a beautiful home out of that little car, and it was a good spot to drill butts when it was raining out. And then, all of the sudden, it was gone one day. I haven't seen Kenny and Chrissy since. I heard a rumor that they were bouncing around from car to car at Flibotte's Auto Salvage over on the Quintree line. I sure hope they're doing okay though. Kenny and Chrissy were solid people. It was always fun to watch that little Hyundai rock back and forth while Kenny was givin' her the business, if you know what I'm saying. Homeless people have needs, too, y'know? Actually, now that I think about it, we have a lot of needs. More than most people, at least."

As usual, Mayor Koch wasted no time taking full credit for the incident. "Obviously these people didn't just wake up one day and decide to get jobs," he stated. "That's never going to happen. I'm a firm believer that the first step to ridding homelessness is to do away with the homeless themselves. Statistics have proven that the number one cause of homelessness is people who have no place to live. You have to look at the figures, you have to scrutinize the facts. Nobody likes dealing with a homeless person, they have nothing to add to the community but suffering and pain. It gets really annoying after a while, and it's only natural to want them to go away. Well, take a look, Quincy, they did go away. Don't ask questions, just embrace it. We are entering a new phase in this city, and it's a phase where modern day problems, such as homelessness, poverty, and hunger, are no longer directly in our faces, allowing us to finally pass it off as someone else's problem. Homeless people in Quincy, you ask---not in my backyard! That's one more problem solved, one more for the books. And it's all because of me. Who's moving Quincy forward now, Phelan?"

The mayor's press conference was then brought to a sudden, unexpected hault as the crowd's attention wandered off towards a homeless man standing just outside City Hall, relieving himself in the freshly trimmed bushes.