Charming kidnapper steals the hearts of Quincy residents, shot dead outside Taco Bell

Article by Beak Wilder and Brunk Edwards / Photo courtesy of the World Wide Web

Known kidnapper Karlos Gesuhnteit, who has been using the alias Kent Vanderbuilt, charmed the city with his delightful antics yesterday, but was then shot dead outside a Wollaston Taco Bell.

The kidnapper formerly known as Kent Vanderbuilt built up a hilarious comedy routine outside the Mexican-themed eatery on Hancock Street as crowds gathered to watch and Quincy Police closed in. Wanted for questioning in the disappearance of over seventy children over the course of two weeks, Gesuhnteit was spotted by local snitch, Paulie “Walnutz” O’Brien, feasting on a “double-decker” taco and enjoying a bum fight taking place directly across the street at Alumni Pizza. As authorities rushed to the scene, crowds began to form on the sidewalk when passersby noticed the alleged kidnapper from posters placed throughout the city's fast food parking lots.

"We're just lucky we got there in time," said Officer John Steele. "This is what we in law enforcement consider to be a very dangerous man. In addition to the reported kidnappings, we had received multiple reports about a man lurking creepily behind groups of young girls at Wollaston Beach. And while that is far from abnormal, it is our duty as police officers to look into it, even if it's only to appease the parents. Each of the reported victims are female, each of them being between the age of fifteen and seventeen years old, all of them residing in Quincy. Now, traditionally speaking, the females of Quincy are not particularly attractive women---no offense. It is because of this that we do not believe these kidnappings were of a sexual nature. Nobody is going to kidnap an ugly girl and then just keep her in the basement for weeks and do a bunch of weird shit with her, there's just no reason to. It's pointless to even look for these girls, they're definitely dead. I'd bet a hundred dollars on it right now with anyone willing. He was a charming guy though. He was doing this hilarious juggling act when we arrived at the scene and, I gotta be honest, I almost reholstered my gun and let him continue. It's too bad we had to shoot the guy, he'd probably be able to help out with a lot of questions we're being asked."

In a seemingly unrelated event, authorities apprehended a young man with approximately five hundred pounds of high-grade marijuana after he accidentally rear ended six vehicles when attempting to squeeze in between the mess of police cruisers during the shootout. Buckley Tannerfield, 25, of Wollaston, will plead "not guilty" to charges of attempted distribution, claiming all five hundred pounds of marijuana were for personal use.

"That kid was ridiculous," said Timothy Morton, a flat rate technician from Quincy Point. "Who the hell packs that much weed into a Smart car and thinks they're gonna get away with it? And for what, so he could order a few tacos? That kid must have been stoned out of his fucking mind to pull that shit. You should have seen it though, there was literally full bags of weed just falling out of his car, right in front of the cops. Nice and subtle, dude! Have fun in jail."