Merrymount Park water fountain finally does stuff

Article by Beak Wilder / Photo courtesy of a Nextel i580 cell phone

After what was once described as a "ridiculously long wait," the Merrymount Park water fountain in Wollaston is finally doing what it was designed to do---make water continuously spurt in a vertical fashion.

"This is a great place to take the kids," commented Chucky Blendano, a pill-popping single dad from Wollaston Center, and self-proclaimed number one fan of the Leprechaun film franchise. "I just love water fountains. I could sit here and watch water squirt upwards all day long, it's that fucking exciting. And there's nothing I love more than to just launch all my hard earned money into the water and make fleeting wishes for a better life, it's absolutely thrilling. I'm gonna fill this thing with pennies, you just watch. And who knows, maybe an animal will drink the water someday and end up dying a slow and painful death from copper poisoning. The possibilities are endless. I haven't been this excited since Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood came out."

Other residents of the neighborhood were equally as excited. Some families played frisbee by the water fountain, while others just stood in awe, each of them wondering what makes the water go up. "This is nothing short of amazing," said Christina Behr-Spille, an Adams Shore girl known for her low requirements for getting to "third base" on the first date. "I'm gonna spend my entire summer here. I'll figure out how this thing works if it fucking kills me. I can't wait to be here with some nameless, shitfaced Quincy kid as he's all out ideas and he drunkenly resorts to kneeding my crotch like a pile of dough. That shit never gets old."

But among the amazed and confused spectators, not all were equally impressed. "It's just a water fountain," said Matty Hammers, a top-notch scientist from Allston, known for his ability to turn any situation into an excuse to buy a round of whiskey shots. "It's a series of hoses and tubes, that's it. These Quincy kids act like they've never seen a water fountain before. There's some serious lack of intelligence going on in this city, and it's starting to depress me, to be honest. Isn't this the same park where they put the statue of the three World War II troops the wrong way, and now, when you're driving by it on Southern Artery, all you see is three asses? Who does that? How does something like that even happen? I'll tell you this much, if there's one thing in this whole situation that's guaranteed, it's that this water fountain will be completely filled with cigarette butts within a week. But, either way, this is still a time for celebration, and, if anyone wants to join me at the Hancock Tavern, shots are on me. I hear they have an outdoor deck now."